Thread: Sexually Frustrated Wife

I am a sexually frustrated wife and I feel hopeless about my situation. The quality of our sex is beautiful. Our desires complement each other well. The problem is our differing libido frequencies. My husband doesn’t want sex as much as I do. I would love to have sex one or two times per week. He wants sex maybe once a month. We have been together for 13 years and frequency has been a problem almost from the start.

Aside from sex, our marriage is really wonderful, we are best friends and good life partners. We have had many in depth conversations in which it has come out that he does have some hang ups about sex. He resents that it is something he is expected to do along with other stereotypical things that men are supposed to want like motorcycles. I can tell he is trying but in some ways, that just makes it worse to think that he has to work to want to have sex with me. I work out and try to wear nice pj’s to entice him. I am a little overweight but I don’t think that’s the problem since I was this way when we fell in love.

Currently we have sex about once per week but at least every other week, there is some weirdness about it, for example, he’ll start coming on to me but in a really half hearted way, as if he knows it’s time to do it but he’s not really that interested. I am very giving in bed. I give at least 10 blow jobs, which he loves, for every one time he goes down on me. That does not bother me, because when we are really in it, he always takes care of me. I try to take turns initiating but when he turns me down, the rejection makes me feel undesirable and sad. I know this has more to do with him than me but it takes a lot of mental energy to keep myself from going into low self esteem territory.

I have asked if I can find a lover on the side (polyamory, in which he could also be free to do the same) and he says he thinks that would make him emotionally distant from me. Sometimes I fantasize about finding some sexually frustrated husband out there to meet up with to have a sexual affair just to satisfy my needs. I have considered leaving him but it’s so hard to fathom not having him in my life. Leaving someone just over sex seems like a really trivial reason. Especially when I consider how much I value him as a friend and husband.

I am just so sad over being at this point in my life at 38. I am so happy in my career and my life but sex is something that continually makes me feel upset. I find it distracting in my daily work.

Could it be depression? Could it be low male libido? Is it just a fact that men turn off of their women once they “catch” them? It seems so unfair. I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this.

you are not alone in this area. many couples have the same issue, but sometimes the roles are reversed.

there are any number of reasons his drive has lowered, some medical, some emotional, some without any real reason.

i think he is right that having an open relationship might drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

when you two have discussed it, what has he said about why?

PaS-

Sorry about your situation. It is very common for a couple to develop problems over the course of a long relationship. I think a lot of couples tend to get into a rut over time, sex becomes a mechanical function.

It seems like your SO has stopped viewing you as a sexual woman. It is okay for you to pull out the stops now and then to remind him. Try dropping him a suggestive text message. Just a tease to get his imagination going. Or surprise him with a new toy or sexy outfit. Or take a laptop to bed with you and tell him you are going to watch a movie then start watching a little porn... There are so many ways to get the mind back into the fun.

My theory: having a vast arsenal of different sexual activities that you both enjoy can really help stave off bedroom boredom. Spice is the key. It takes open communication which can be hard to get back in a long term relationship.

It sounds like you and your husband have a lot going for you. Don't give up! Have another talk with him and you might find he has a few nice suggestions too.

best of luck!

Thanks you guys. Those are good suggestions and things that I have totally thought of but once you've been rejected a few times, it is really makes you timid about putting yourself out there with a sexy text or picture. But! You are right. I should try.

I am really curious to know if anyone out there has overcome the frequency issue.

Originally Posted by pagansandsaints

I am really curious to know if anyone out there has overcome the frequency issue.

I had a heart to heart with my boyfriend, no blame. Talked about his own personal sexual needs... how often his body drives him to want satisfaction as it was clear to me that his needs... just in a biological need for release of built up 'tension' were not matching the frequency of his interest in sex with me.

I was right and there were times that he was self-serving, because he didn't realize how very much it meant to me to share all the intimate moments he has in him ... or at the very least ... the majority of them

It was a communication issue... although he realized he had a high drive, he wasn't pushing for sex unless he felt 100% he didn't realize that I could careless if every single session is a making love in the sunset romance novel encounter. Quickies, oral play/touches, mixed in with those longer more involved sessions were just perfect for me.

And ever since we talked about it our sex life , which was already as awesome as can be has gotten even better because he is more apt to inniciate even if he's a bit tired or stressed and not in the mood for something major.

I think some guys put way too much worth into their ability to knock our socks off that if they don't feel up to the task... they'd rather masturbate, and get back to us when they have more energy.

Its a good thing to let them know , if you do desire more intimacy... that you want what they have, as much as they have, as often as they have. I think they sometimes think we expect the moon and the stars when it comes to sex, and yeah, some women do. But for me as long as we have those occasionall 'moon and stars' nights... im just as happy with a bent over in a kitchen quickie... in fact the passion in those moments rival that of the most intimate love making sessions.

But talking about your wants needs expectations (and lack their of) is what will yeild the most results. Asking him what you could do that would take the pressure off, tapping into his fantasies, sharing your own... from the sounds of your relationship I think you will be fine if you guys are able to come up with a compromise that leaves you both feeling special, loved, desired and satisfied... and not used, not neglected and not pressured.

Originally Posted by pagansandsaints

We have been together for 13 years and frequency has been a problem almost from the start.

Here is a key point, for those out there inclined to give advice: things have been like this from the start.

There are many folks out there who start out seemingly evenly matched, but one or the other changes; this relationship doesn't appear to have been like that.

Yes, we have had this problem from the beginning but for some reason, this past year the tension over it has just really gotten out of hand on my part. I think I am just freaking out over it way too much and it's affecting everything - especially the way he feels about it. And it's really not fair for me to make him feel bad if he's not up for it at certain times any more than it would be okay for him to make me feel bad. I acknowledge this.

We had another long talk. I came up with the idea of a restart - take a 6 week break from sex so that there can be a time where there is no expectation on my part or his. He was not so excited over taking a 6 week break which made me feel encouraged that he has not lost interest. He suggested that maybe he should try just saying yes everytime. We met in the middle. He is going to try to be more open to it when I suggest it. I am going to work on accepting my situation and work on my seduction game.

We both agreed that it would be nice to get to a more relaxed place about it. I came away from the conversation feeling like it's not a lost cause. The only thing I can really change is how I deal with the situation. So, I am committed to working on acceptance.

Putting this all out in the forum was helpful to me. It's not something that is easy to talk to my friends about because they all know my husband and I don't want to shame him in front of them since we know how society sees guys with low sex drives. I really appreciate the feedback I received and would appreciate anything else anyone has to offer.

I am in nearly the same situation...11 yr marriage, we are the best of friends, no kids, good health, all else is great in our lives... but there's never been much passion. We have sex once every other month or so... I would like it once a week. We have talked about the situation, but my husband just doesn't have much interest... he's trying to become more "into it," but our sexual relationship has always been fairly non-existant, even when dating. I hoped it would evolve through the years with trust, love & committment (he wasn't extremely experienced when we got together), but so far it hasn't changed. I'm losing faith that our marriage can withstand this difference... I feel sad and superficial to even think about leaving because of sex, but I don't want to spend the rest if my life like this. Please advise. I look forward to any comments, questions or similar stories that might help.

Sex is important. Its not "sad and superficial" to leave "just" because of sex. If you have made a real effort to fix it - have talked with your spouse, have offered to do what he / she wants in bed, then you are really short on options. Your choices (as I've posted several times here) are:

1. Leave the person you love
2. Cheat
3. Live like a monk / nun.

None of these are good. The longer you wait, the more difficult 1 becomes. 2 will make you feel guilty, and when your spouse eventually finds out, all the relationship problems will be YOUR fault. 3 leads to long term unhappiness and resentment.

I am experiencing the same thing. He explains that he's under a lot of stress, and he can't help that fact that he's just not in the mood. Other than that, our relationship is amazing. The best thing to do is talk about, and I have over and over again...

And sadly enough we just have to be patient and let the rut come back up. Good Luck, and know your NOT ALONE!