Having sex with someone you don't like

**pretzel** · 02-18-2010 07:11 AM

I'm not trying to diminish the conversation, but there are times where the opposite is true. Unfortunately, my wife has shut down to the point where intimacy and passion are rare. Indifference is very hard pill to swallow.

As with the verbal/physical abuse it's control. Breaking someone of their self esteem and self confidence is the most effective way. The lucky ones fight back. Days become just going through the motions. Sex (not intimacy) becomes just another to do on one's to do list. It's been said, it's easier to just lie there than to take the punishment.

**Magnetism** · 02-19-2010 03:03 PM

It's comforting to know other people have been through the same. My experience in the past is that people would judge, but it's different here.

Have any of you ladies been in a situation where your man put you down for having a high sex drive? I'm not generalizing or putting down men, BUT it's a bit hard for me to relate to guys saying, "I would love to have a woman with a high sex drive."

My exes used this trait of mine to make me feel like a desperate ugly joke that nobody likes or wants. Some articles say some men want women to initiate sex, but my exes say "Only desperate ugly women do that." The other strange thing is that they would guilt me by saying, "You're using me for sex! How dare you!" BUT, the next day they would ask, "Want to be my f*ck buddy? Why don't you want to meet me up for sex?" Huh? Talk about mind games. Or, maybe they wanted to me to feel ugly and unlovable, so they could keep me attached to them and nobody else.

I'm just thankful that's all done with. Just wanted to vent. I just want someone who will cherish my sexuality, and not make me feel dirty or unlovable for it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-19-2010 03:06 PM

It's their problem if they think that a sexually driven woman is "dirty"... It's their up-bringing, mindset and their non understanding of a woman and a woman's sexuality.

Never, change. A mature man will welcome it and not judge.

**Magnetism** · 02-19-2010 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

It's their problem if they think that a sexually driven woman is "dirty"... It's their up-bringing, mindset and their non understanding of a woman and a woman's sexuality.

Never, change. A mature man will welcome it and not judge.

Ha, and my ex prided on himself being the "Only trustworthy guy that doesn't talk carp about women having sex."

EDIT..Wait, I meant "As long as women are having sex WITH ME ONLY and nobody else, then it's okay."

**Magnetism** · 02-21-2010 01:56 PM

Off-topic, but has anyone been blamed by others for staying in these situations?

I've found places like yahoo answers to be quite hostile towards questions like these. The fact is controllers and abusers are good at what they do. It's not easy to escape overnight, and it doesn't do any good to tell someone, "You're allowing it to happen. You have no right to complain. You're enabling them to control you." I just wish more people understood.

This applies to not only significant others, but controlling parents as well. My mom was the female version of my ex-boyfriend. Not all parents want what's best for their kids. They only care about their needs being met.

I hope I marry a STRONG person who can endure and understand my mom's narcissistic nature, because she will try to sabotage him and our relationship as much as she can. She has a history of doing this, and there's no stopping her or confronting her. I have moved 16 hours away from my mom, but she's still determind to find any way to control or undermine me. Distance does make it less easy for her though.

This is another reason why I'm single. I don't want to rush into a relationship where I'm married to someone like my mom!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-21-2010 02:18 PM

"You're allowing it to happen. You have no right to complain. You're enabling them to control you."

Lucky, it's Yahoo and they're not physcologists

Nobody "allows", shock probably is the first reaction, then from there, it's "it won't happen again" and from there, it's, "distaste but a committment is a committment or love is love" and before you know it? Walking on egg shells wishing it didn't exist and finally, walking...... as your self esteme gets stronger and your distaste turns to "hate" strong word but more than likely that's the case, or a better term " fall out of love"...

This is another reason why I'm single. I don't want to rush into a relationship where I'm married to someone like my mom!

For some reason a lot of people mirror image what they don't / didn't like as a child into their relationship. I think they mistake "strength" for "controlling". They see a form of strength and admire that, only to all of a sudden re-live a part of their life the really, really, didn't like.

We are all individual people made up differently, don't have that fear. You'll know as you have known simularities and you won't marry someone like that. You may find a few simular along the way but you really need to just look deep inside yourself, tell yourself what you accept and will n ot accept, tell yourself you are happy 100% who you are and in that so will the next person that walks into your life, they will let you be you and love all of you, all that about you or else they can go.

To do that you have to toughen yourself up. Believe in yourself. Really believe in yourself and what you want in life and put it out there.

CW

**WildChild** · 02-21-2010 02:24 PM

Panera, this is a problem that is hard for many people to understand.
Some people, particularly those of us raised with some disfunctionality, (who isn't but I mean more extreme) have been trained from infancy to accept behaviors from others or treatment of themselves, which isn't healthy. Recognizing it and freeing yourself is quite a step in your development. It's easy to get out of one bad situation and move into another, which may be different but still negative. The problem is that your natural self protective instincts were over riden, if the person(s) you need protecting from are the ones who should be your natural protectors, such as family, how do you learn to trust appropriately or act in a self protective manner.

I look at is as being rather like a person who has to do VSE (visual self examination). People with conditions that cause nerve damage can't tell when they have been injured, they don't feel pain. They have to trained to do frequent scans of themselves to see if they have been hurt, otherwise they could literally bleed to death without knowing they need attention. People who have been conditioned in their emotional responses to accept unacceptable treatment, have to learn to do "self exams". Over time you get better at reacting to abusive treatment without so much thought but at some level you will always need to have a sort of check list to watch out for. You have to be careful even of friends and family's take on things (especially family) if they came out of the same environment, they will have some of the same trouble recognizing the abuse. Having a narcisstic mother would put you right in this category.

Stay away from people or sites that are essentially frequented by bullies. You don't need another layer of self doubt or cause to chastise yourself. Know that you are growing and healing and working on recognizing and getting free of this behavior. May I recomend a book I found helpful? Iyanla Vanzant's, In The Meantime, deals with being at the time in our lives when we are healing and growing and working on ourselves to get to where we want to be. She likens it to a house. When you are in an abusive or negative situation you are in the basement and where you want to get to is the love nest way up at the top of the house. You have to get each area in between clean and organized before you are ready to live up there.

**Magnetism** · 02-26-2010 03:03 PM

Recognizing it and freeing yourself is quite a step in your development. It's easy to get out of one bad situation and move into another, which may be different but still negative.

Exactly! Thank heavens you said this. If I would have left my mom ASAP, I wouldn't be in a good situation. The best thing for me was to slowly work my way out and just learn to cope with where I was.

Sure, living with my mom wasn't the best environment. Some people said that staying with her was a horrible thing to do. BUT, I was able to save up money, finish my education with good grades, and worked on my anxiety/self-esteem step by step in therapy (Rushing things overnight might have made things worse). Being patient with the situation landed me where I am now.

I suppose these going through these abusive situations and leaving them are like driving on bumpy roads to get where we want to go.

As someone who has worked in women's shelters and homeless shelters, those places can be just as re-victimizing (at least the ones that I've worked in). People recommended me to go to one when I had no money and friends, but I was hesitant after I saw the things I saw.

**echoskybound** · 02-28-2010 10:04 PM

The original post here really resonated with me.

My first serious relationship was in college and lasted about two years. I didn't really like sex, and he tolerated no sex for a while. Eventually he got frustrated and became abusive, and finally left for someone else.

I was extremely fragile and didn't have a lot of willpower at that point in my life, and I didn't really protest much when another guy swooped in like a vulture and really gave me no choice. He never took "no" as an answer, yelled at me if I said I didn't want a relationship, screamed at me if I said anything about still being hurt over my boyfriend leaving me, hitting things and throwing tantrums when I didn't act like his "girlfriend" and basically forcing sex. I hated it and wanted to cry during it, I only did it to make him stop being angry at me. Afterwards he said, "By the way, that was a hate****" and I felt like the most screwed up, unloved person there was.

The worst part was that I had recently met a remarkably wonderful person who I adored and wanted the freedom to pursue, but I basically wasn't allowed. I remember crying because I thought the wonderful person I liked was always going to be out of my reach, and my heart ached unbelievably bad for him.

But I got out of that, and now that wonderful person is my boyfriend. I had always thought I hated sex, but I was proven wrong when my boyfriend showed up. I just needed to love someone enough.

**needanswer99** · 02-28-2010 10:58 PM

yes it is difficult situation and what Chandlers wish said below:

shock probably is the first reaction, then from there, it's "it won't happen again" and from there, it's, "distaste but a committment is a committment or love is love" and before you know it? Walking on egg shells wishing it didn't exist and finally, walking...... as your self esteme gets stronger and your distaste turns to "hate" strong word but more than likely that's the case, or a better term " fall out of love"...

it takes time and I have good wishes for all of you who suffered and this is also true that NOT all males are such freaks!!!

but i need few comments on

what if really u do not feel to have sex , even u feel discomfort but still u love your partner and he is also good with u....then u uderstand that he wants sex desperately (may be testesterone playing game) and u feel if u refuse , he would be frustated (not abusive or angry)...so in that case if u allow ...would it be ok.....it happens with me many times ....now i m thinking that may be i m wrong as far as my self esteem is concerned????...should I refuse him in such situation......please give me advice.

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