Having sex with someone you don't like

**Magnetism** · 02-17-2010 04:49 PM

Sounds like an oxymoron, BUT how common is this?

I feel guilty as I'm about to write this, but I was trapped in an abusive situation where I thought there was no way out. I had sex with this person for months, because I thought I had to. I would rather not get into detail, but let's just say I had no self-esteem during that time. When you have no self-esteem, standing up for yourself is tough. You do things you don't want to do.

The weird thing was I got no physical pleasure from it, yet I still kept having sex with him. Can anyone relate to that? As for telling him that I wasn't satisfied, let's just say that he would have reacted in an intimidating way. As my confidence built up, I finally ended the toxic situation. He got angry and verbally attacked me, but I didn't care anymore. Honestly, it was a catch 22He berated me for having sexual feelings, but still berated me when I became abstinent?

I've been purposely single and celibate for a few years now, because I don't want to go through that again. I have a high sex drive, BUT I strictly want to share it with a person that respects me and who I love. Honestly, it has been the best thing to do. My self-esteem has improved greatly, and I'm more satisfied pleasing myself...than having sex with someone that I'm scared of.

I hope that makes sense. Serious comments only, please. Just want to know if anyone can relate.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-17-2010 04:54 PM

Ahhhh.

See, the thing is, is that you gained confidence and walked.

Why fear over a past that has nothing to do with your future?

I don't disagree to take a step back, and to know who you are and what you want and only seek and find that. But, being celibate for a few years, means that your also hidding in a way, which is not good for you.

It does make sense. My ex-husband called all women in magazines names and frankly, made me just have "sex" not intimacy, and I didn't enjoy it either, he was also verbally abusive.

But, knowing that I walked. Knowing that I knew what I wanted. Meant that I hung about for over two and a half years, dating, certainly, entering into a relationship with constant sex? No. Now? I'm in one and it's perfect so far.

So, please just take what has happened as past. Take your confidence and self-esteem to the level of I am who I am, I love myself, and in that I will find someone who will love all about me and all of me... and just go with the flow with dating, you need to be loved, kissed, held. You can't do that on your own

CW

**WildChild** · 02-17-2010 04:56 PM

I think a lot of people do this in negative relationships, especially when there is a concern for physical safety.

**stressed** · 02-17-2010 05:06 PM

I can relate to that. But then again, he was physically abusive, I had no sense of self worth and was afraid of him. Sex was the only time he found nothing negative to say about me. It took me 2 years to get over it.

Advice: There are MANY men out there who DON'T make you feel like that. You are correct waiting for such a man and I am sure you will find him.

**Magnetism** · 02-17-2010 05:18 PM

Hi

Thanks for your replies! Stressed, this man I speak of also criticized other women. In a way, sex was a way of receiving attention, because I had nobody at that time. It's like some of us would settle for any kind of affection/companionship we would get, even if it's not that good.

Sex hurt with him, but that's only b/c I wasn't properly aroused. There were times where I tried, but nothing would work with him. I think my body was saying "Dont come in me!"He used to put me down for not being able to "take it" vaginally, but I think he was the reason! =/ It doesn't hurt at all when I use vibrators or sex toys.

Don't get me wrong..I do go out on dates, kiss and hug. But, I would like to experience the feeling of having sex with someone who I feel is right for me. I admit I do like the tension of passion building up!

**stressed** · 02-17-2010 05:41 PM

It's amazing how the quality of the relationship effects its sex life. With my ex everything was great in the beginning and the sex was the best I've ever had (unfortunately, but it was). Yet, when his attitude changed and he became violent I just didn't enjoy it anymore, I was trying to avoid it. It also hurt for me, I got ill a couple of times because of it. Yet I stayed for a few more months. I thought that I wouldn't be able to make it without him, that he was all I had, that I needed his guidance and that he was even right to act like he did.

You are so lucky to be out of that relationship. So many women stay out of fear, convenience, dependency or because they have nowhere else to go. I don't think you will make the same 'mistake' again, you will recognize the signals.

**heryseshta** · 02-17-2010 07:24 PM

I can definitely relate! My last actual relationship was like that. If I wanted a cuddle I had to either give him sex or a bj even though I was never wet and so tore a lot. I also had other types of pain from it. There was one time that I had to have an abdominal surgery with only 2 weeks recovery time, he wouldn't let me touch him or touch me. He made me give him bjs a lot during that time and 2 weeks to the day after the surgery he decided I was better. He also tried to hide my birth control and refused to wear condoms because he wanted me pregnant, even though I had said I never wanted kids.
That was last year. This year I have a boyfriend who loves me and is constantly trying to make comfortable. I was still having problems getting aroused until recently when I wasn't feeling too well due to a UTI. He was goofing off, nibbling on my neck and grabbing my hips. I thought he was just going to jump me but he said "If you actually want it then you will have to make it happen", well for the first time in a long time I actually was able to become aroused. Now he is having a hard time keeping up with me. Not only that but he is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how perfect I am. He is also always doing little things like foot massages.
It might take a while, but you can definitely find someone who cares for you. Not all guys are jerks, it just seems like it!

**bangbangbby** · 02-17-2010 09:11 PM

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

Sounds like an oxymoron, BUT how common is this?

I feel guilty as I'm about to write this, but I was trapped in an abusive situation where I thought there was no way out. I had sex with this person for months, because I thought I had to. I would rather not get into detail, but let's just say I had no self-esteem during that time. When you have no self-esteem, standing up for yourself is tough. You do things you don't want to do.

The weird thing was I got no physical pleasure from it, yet I still kept having sex with him. Can anyone relate to that? As for telling him that I wasn't satisfied, let's just say that he would have reacted in an intimidating way. As my confidence built up, I finally ended the toxic situation. He got angry and verbally attacked me, but I didn't care anymore. Honestly, it was a catch 22He berated me for having sexual feelings, but still berated me when I became abstinent?

I've been purposely single and celibate for a few years now, because I don't want to go through that again. I have a high sex drive, BUT I strictly want to share it with a person that respects me and who I love. Honestly, it has been the best thing to do. My self-esteem has improved greatly, and I'm more satisfied pleasing myself...than having sex with someone that I'm scared of.

I hope that makes sense. Serious comments only, please. Just want to know if anyone can relate.

I've had pretty much the exact same situation.
You're not alone.
When it comes to men, we women aren't very smart or confident sometimes.

**LilahX** · 02-17-2010 09:35 PM

I can totally relate. For the last 15 years of my 24 year marriage I didn't particularly want to have sex with my ex. I didn't love him. I didn't dislike him either, I just felt nothing. Ikept having regular sex b/c I didn't want to go into a long discussion with about why I didn't want to. There was no way to fix it, I just didn't feel anytihng for him so didn't enjoy sex with him. I stayed in the marriage until my kids finished school.

Whenever he put his arm around me in bed as a prelude to bed my stomach would clench. Luckily he was a 'one minute wonder' and it didn't last long.

After I was single (and admittedly for a while towards the end of my marriage) I had 'meaningless sex'. Very little of it was memorable (I can't remember anything about most of it). Now I am lucky to have a man a love sex with and I know it's b/c I love him.

At my age (55) I have no interest in sex with someone I don't have another connection with but I think if I was younger I would be up for fun just for the heck of it. I'm lucky that now I have a man in my life and an awesome sex life.

You're not alone, or strange - each to their own. Just enjoy being who you are.

**WildChild** · 02-17-2010 09:46 PM

Lilah, I can really relate to your story. At 52, meaningless sex is, well, meaningless. It is simply of no interest. Thought I'd found what I'd wanted all my life, it was great for 3 or 4 months and has died a slow death. It may be a while before I feel up to even thinking of trying again. It doesn't hurt any less as you get older.

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