Why does sexual aggression scare men?

**golf fan** · 02-25-2010 05:42 AM

Why can't I find a man that can keep up with me sexually? It seems to me when I am the one who starts sex they don't want it, it seems like it has to be their idea. I get so upset I get aggressive about it some times. Last night my husband slept on the couch. Is there something wrong with me? I am nice looking, not over weight I work out I sometimes ride my bike 18 miles a day in the summer? Why is aggressiveness a turn off to men? I am married and I want to stay that way but my husband won't even talk to me about it?We have only been married 2 years! It started on our honey moon night? Before we got married he wouldn't keep his hands off, now I can't get him to keep his hands on me! What is wrong?

**WildChild** · 02-25-2010 05:46 AM

Welcome to the club. We have found that this is a common complaint. I don't think of it as agression but as being proactive, initiating, interested, but whatever you call it there seem to be a lot of men who can't handle it.

**chillingoutinthesun** · 02-25-2010 05:48 AM

I am 26 and my gf sometimes wants to be aggressive

**Aqemini1977** · 02-25-2010 05:54 AM

Can you give an example of an "aggressive" episode?

How often does he initiate sex? How often do you have sex per week?

Him not wanting to talk about sex strikes me as odd. Most men love sex. We love doing the act, practicing, getting better at it, and talking about it. It seems that you spouse might be the atypical male. But I would like for you to clarify a typical aggressive situation.

**pretzel** · 02-25-2010 06:06 AM

Originally Posted by Aqemini1977

Him not wanting to talk about sex strikes me as odd. Most men love sex. We love doing the act, practicing, getting better at it, and talking about it. It seems that you spouse might be the atypical male. But I would like for you to clarify a typical aggressive situation.

Personally, I don't find it that odd. Remember a guys conversations amongst guys will be so totally different from a guy talking to a girl about sex.

It takes someone who has the self confidence about who they are to be able to open up to what others want. That isn't always the case.

**chillingoutinthesun** · 02-25-2010 06:07 AM

As a guy I would find it weird for a woman to be in control

**ocularone** · 02-25-2010 07:15 AM

i know for a FACT some men (ahem...) love an agressive woman. Golf, it sounds to me like there is a deeper issue at hand. It kind of throws up a red flag for me that he USED to not be able to keep his hands off of you, but now is all but completely disinterested.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-25-2010 08:17 AM

Thing is... not all guys have an insatiable drive like many women are lead to believe. The single man, the man not in a relationship that wants sex from you on a date with such desperation it makes you think sometimes that men just must want sex alllllll the time.

But once a man is in a relationship, especially a marriage, when the sex is predictable... when they know they can get it when they want it... that hunter no longer has to hunt -- then his sex drive is more accurately showcased. And it varies as much as womens do. Some still want it all the time... and some.... not so much.

I think most guys can appreciate being seduced and have a woman inniciate... but you also have to give them the opportunity seduce and inniciate with you. If you turn sex into a chore like taking out the garbage , no matter how fun it is , nobody wants to feel like they are expected to do something... and build resentment.

The only thing is most guys have this need to release every so often just to keep their bodies comfortable.... if they aren't having sex with you, its likely, doesn't have to be, but its likely they are masturbating to take the 'edge' off.

But an overindulgence in that can lead to them, in some cases, withdrawing from actual intimacy with you. Either as a form of punishment, a form a control (especially in cases where they know their partner wants sex with them). It could also be an indicator that they aren't happy with something else in the relationship...

Have you guys been getting along? Is he still affectionate outside of sexually? Is he under any stresses? Financial problems? Work or family problems? Have you guys had a child recently?

Does he spend a significant amount of time on pornography?

Does he drink alcohol regularly or is he on any medicines? Antidepressents? Any medical conditions?

Sometimes there is a physical reason for why he isn't as interested in sex, sometimes there is an emotional one.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is just pull back a little. If your drive is higher than he can handle, pick up on some masturbation to take your 'edge' off, no it isn't as good... but it may keep you from pouncing on him constantly.

Spend time being sexual with him WITHOUT expecting sex at the end of that. You can flirt with him, make out with him, massage his back/body then leave it at that with no more requested.

You can dress up in his favorite outfit, just for the heck of it... not expecting or inniciating sex. Let him feel like he felt when you were dating... where he had to work a little to get you into bed... maybe that will revive some of his passion?

**maverick** · 02-25-2010 11:33 AM

I can't help but noticee that you are using plurals in your post. Maybe you are refering to previous relationships... if so, that's understandable. If not and you are searching for a man or men that can keep up with you while in a supposedly dedicated relationship, that may be why your husband no longer finds you desirable and is sleeping on the couch.

Personally, I like aggressiveness in a woman, but people are wired differently. I also find that attractiveness increases when there is an emotional bond. The stronger the bond, the hotter the attraction.

HD has posed a lot of good questions above, I'll offer more. Is he stressed? Overworked? Depressed? Having an affair? Or possibly suffering from ED? Any of these things can affect a relationship and libido. They can also be hard to discuss with you significant other.

**rcoreyus** · 02-25-2010 11:35 AM

Sex drives vary wildly for different men and women. Some people want sex all the time, for others a few times a year is all they want (if that).

The OP said she couldn't find a man who could keep up with her - but how many have you tried? It sounds like you unfortunately have a husband who happens to have a much lower sex drive than you do. (a sad thing)