Tired of hearing "Tomorrow"

**stressed** · 03-07-2010 01:02 AM

I'm sick and tired of hearing "tomorrow" whenever I suggest sex or anything non-sexual done to me. Whether it takes place 'tomorrow' or not it doesn't matter, it ruins it for me. It doesn't matter the day, or the time, it's always "tomorrow". And if my mood goes downhill for the rest of the day then he tries to start something right afterwards, as if he does it just for me, or at least that's how I see it. I'm tired of "pity sex" and jokes of the kind "if you're lucky you might get it tonight", they're not funny.

Saturday night, we had the whole day free, nothing to do, I was hoping he'd want it later in the night, I spent a whole hour looking extra nice and finding nice clothes, but all of the sudden he starts "... and tomorrow you will get something". I asked "why tomorrow" but he just smiled and we continued watching a film with me. I was hurt for the rest of the night, then he tried something, joked, hugged etc., it didn't improve my mood, he tried to make a joke about it being possible that he gets oral later (as if that's what I wanted, right) so I told him he's not getting anything tonight, but "tomorrow" and that if he wanted something and I'd tell him "tomorrow" he'd be sulky too. He said he was trying but I was just moody. I thought of sitting down for a talk with him but it's pointless, he doesn't get it.

If he's going to try anything today I'll just say "tomorrow", I don't care. He doesn't understand that every "tomorrow" is a "no" or that "doing it for me" sounds like it's a job to him.

I'm just bitter and fed up.

**WildChild** · 03-07-2010 06:31 AM

Been there. Sounds like a control issue. He wants it when he wants it, tough luck when you want it.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-07-2010 09:18 AM

I think I've heard WC discuss the notion that when in a relationship, its the person with the lower sex drive that has all the power and I really do think thats true.

When one partner has a high drive and is rejected often... it makes it harder for them to reject the partner that finally comes around now and then. So they never really get to experience that 'denial of service'... when they want it , they have a willing partner... and when they don't want it, it just doesn't happen.

Some people don't even recognize that and its a non issue in the relationship but some people will take that power and use it to control their mate.

You see this more often with women, I've noticed. That will be more inclined to sex after hubby/bf does something for her outside of the bedroom be it financial or just a chore.

And its awful whether either sex does it. I've dealt with sexual rejection before in the way that my boyfriend has been too tired to have sex some days when I wanted to and its an extremely difficult blow to take. 1. Just in not getting your needs met 2. In feeling rejected in general 3. Worrying about feelings of worth and adequacy "why doesn't he want me"? It is just all around a hard thing to deal with.

He's not done the 'tomorrow' or 'if your lucky' comments I think I would be just as furious as you, no, I KNOW I'd be just as furious as you if he ever said those things. So I undestand your hurt and frustration.

I think the problem with telling him 'tomarrow' when he wants it too, is just giving him even more of an excuse to say 'tomorrow' to you the next time. Unless you genuinly just don't want to do it then of course don't. But if you want sex and he wants it... I wouldn't avoid it just to prove a point.

**sourpuss** · 03-07-2010 10:43 AM

I totally agree with WC and HD! It's so frustrating. I'm sorry.

**stressed** · 03-07-2010 11:06 AM

Well, "tomorrow" didn't come today either, as I expected, but at least we had a talk about this situation. What annoyed me today was that we behaved casual all day and then I suddenly walk in the shower to find him pretty much erect, which made all my blood come up to my brain out of frustration (i.e. I have to beg for it a day before and he just takes a shower and there it is, WT?). So we had a talk after this and he admitted he gets those often but is too tired to act on them. Further into the discussion though he also admitted that he feels he's bad in bed and that he tries to plan for sex on the days he's less tired to make it all 'perfect' and 'great' for me to not disappoint me. He thinks/thought that all I want is a great sexual experience every time and nothing less.

I tried to explain that he's wrong, that it's not what I'm after every time, that it doesn't have to be perfect. He was very happy to hear that, even got teary eyed; apparently he hadn't thought of that before and he seems to be very insecure about his skills. I don't know how he got this impression, but I didn't think that men could be so insecure after years of being with someone.

But it's true, avoiding it when they want it, even if we're the one on the rejection side, is probably not a good idea. I've tried it once and he was sulking for a whole week (yet if I sulk for a day then I'm "overreacting").

There just seems to be this general impression that "men have to be good lovers, otherwise they're not men enough" that gets into their head and they're afraid of underachieving.

I've even regretted telling him that I can't reach an orgasm during sex, as I get the idea he thinks it's his fault. I didn't tell my ex'es that and they never had any doubts. I wonder if that's related to his attitude...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-07-2010 03:44 PM

I wouldn't ask, I would just act.

If I saw my man in the shower erect, I would either smile and say, "there's something really sexy about seeing that" and smile, and walk out, or I'd touch it, smile and say, my man... and see what he does, not act further, or I'd just jump in the shower with him.

I think "words" stay in a person's mind, but I also think that it's perfectly okay to discuss a problem or else how do you solve it? It's more of a matter of how you discuss it, rather than just making a statement. Ie) it could be because your always tired and therefore, that's in my mind and I can't just let go and let it all happen.

CW

**stressed** · 03-08-2010 01:37 PM

But that's also the problem. If I'd do anything he'd just smile and make up an excuse -and eventually lose the erection-, therefore turning me down yet again, or just be playful and throw some water on me. Even walking into the shower doesn't do anything for him, but I know now it's more mental than anything else. That's the problem with being turned down often though, that you are afraid of making a move to avoid getting hurt again.

But since the talk we had last night he seems happier and not afraid to touch me. I remember in another post where you said I should make it so that not everything leads to sex, so I do that now and he's the one making it lead to sex, which is fine by me.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-08-2010 01:52 PM

I've taken the edge off him thinking every touch will lead to sex by simply not taking his inniciations every time were close or not giving any of my own. That way its still a surpise and not... okay every time she sits this way or touches like this it means she wants sex... I like to keep him guessing as to what indicates I want more and it makes him have to be more creative in how he also indicates its sex that is on his mind.

Sometimes I turn a cuddle into a blow job and sometimes a sexy kiss into a nap and sometimes I will just crawl to him and start licking his pants when he's cooking lol and then LEAVE it there. Just a tease now and then though when he is good and wanting it I make sure to not leave him hanging as I don't like to be left that way myself.

But I think its good to promote touching , even sexual touches when sex isn't the end result of them... it makes the encounter, when it does happen , all the more anticipated than just oh gosh there she goes again I know what happens next :P

**Texasred** · 03-08-2010 08:30 PM

It looks like the OP once again shows that it's more often a communication problem and not a sex problem.
Another thing is for sure: like CW said, "Words stay in a person's mind," so it's a good idea to be real careful that you don't say anything out of spite that you wouldn't want to have endlessly running through you SO's head.
Yeah, I know: that's not really pertinent to this thread, but it's worth saying if only to remind myself.