Sex life is a mess! Please Help!

**angelella** · 03-08-2010 01:24 PM

Hi
I am new here so hopefully I can make some new friends who can advise me and support me. Basically I have NO sex life with my BF of 3 years due to personal and deep deep issues. Before I start I want you to know that my BF doesn't ever open up so I find it hard to talk to him. He suffers from impotency and takes pills to help him during sex. He didn't tell me at first, I think he was embarrassed, but I am so supportive and understanding and knew that any negative response would kill our relationship. I found it tough 'planning' sex as I always had to count his pills. If there was one missing I knew he was 'up for it'. Otherwise, I would end up making him feel pressured if I spontaniously initiated sex and he wasn't 'prepared'. My self confidence is quickly deteriorating as he has been caught by me in the past texting pics to other girls. This hasn't happened in the last year but it still kills your confidence. To top it off, he hasn't any pills left and as I have no confidence (neither does he) neither of us are giving the come on and I feel soooo Unsexy and not like a sexy lady at all! I wish I could have the confidence to initiate but I am always wondering if he is turned on by me. Its hard enough knowing that its not easy for him to get a full erection without me feeling ugly and unsexy. How can I gain more confidence and turn my man on? Its too much! And if I bring it up it'll just make him feel inadequate because of his 'problem'!!! Argggggghhhhhh. Hope that makes sense to someone. Nutshell - lack of confidence results in NO SEX!

**LanaBear** · 03-08-2010 01:44 PM

Meh, I don't think lack of confidence is resulting in no sex (well, not completely), I think it is lack of communication...

Three years is a long time to be in a relationship and feel this way. You BOTH need to open up to the other about your thoughts, worries, likes, dislikes, etc.

You just have to talk about it. Bring it up in a calm, relaxing environment. After dinner, sitting down, lounging together, just tell him that you need to talk about something important that you feel is holding your relationship back. Be supportive of him, offer to go to Dr's appts with him, but also, let him know how this is effecting you.

**stressed** · 03-08-2010 01:49 PM

He is obviously going through a medical issue that hasn't been solved in the last 3 years. He needs pills to have an erection, it's official and it does not have to do with you. I fully understand your feelings and him sending pictures to other girls is very hurtful considering the situation (it would have been hurtful anyway, but when you have no sex life it hurts 10 times more).

You have to discuss your feelings with him and ask him to show you how much attractive he finds you without the sex. That you need to be told you are beautiful and the only woman he wants. It's not his choice to have this disfunction, it probably hurts him even more than it hurts you, as he wants to please you but his body doesn't allow him to. The pills may not always help either.

Choosing to be with this man means that you have to take for granted that sex will not be in your top 10 list of things to do or of showing your feelings to each other. You can hug more and be playful but you should keep in mind that he's no always able to offer you sex. Not because he doesn't find you attractive but because of his condition. This hasn't improved in 3 years so there is a small chance that it will in the future. You have to either ask him to be more sexual with you without expecting an intercourse (he can still use his hands and mouth) and slowly gain your confidence back, or decide that sex is an important part of every relationship and choose a man who is not dealing with this. As even if you both love each other a lot, if you feel sexually unsatisfied for too long and he is only focused on his problem and not your needs, then this will never work.

**Rainbow Rider** · 03-08-2010 07:46 PM

I agree with the others. 3 years is a long time to be unhappy, have trust and fidelity issues, and to have poor communication. Does he and the situation meet your standards? Life is too short to not be happy!

**Texasred** · 03-08-2010 08:03 PM

I agree with the above: these problems you have are not about sex, they're about communication and ALSO about your own lack of self-confidence. You need to know that your sexuality and sexiness are not defined by your bf, but by you yourself.
He's not "making" you feel ugly or unsexy - that other person in this relationship is...

**MissMeSha810** · 03-15-2010 08:56 PM

Hey sweets. Some men can't speak out on certain things. You will find that there are other ways that the two of you can express yourselves sexually with each other without the full penetration. If you love him and he loves you, you will be able to overcome this obstacle with ease but he has to be willing and you have to be confident as you do so. Try to set the mood first with romance, music, candles. Put on your prettiest lingerie and lay your man down on a soft bed of rose petals. Tell him you just want to spend time with him and hold him, touch him, kiss him. Try to get to a point where you are naked and rubbing your bodies against one another. The objective here is to make yourselves feel comfortable about his current situation and to let him know by the actions of your physical that we can still make love in more ways than one. Good luck sister. If this does now work and he is not willing to open up to you and either express some kind of emotion about his condition when you where only trying to help, THEN you kick that bucket to the curb! Be Beautiful my sister!!!

**jns** · 03-15-2010 09:12 PM

Erectile dysfunction is no fun but it is not a death sentence to a sex life, either. There are many other things he could do. If he wants to be more spontaneous, there are medications that last all weekend. He could spend all his time pleasing you as an alternative, as long as you are receptive.

**angelella** · 03-20-2010 01:58 AM

Thanks guys, I am really going to try to build the confidence to address this situation, we are becoming more like friends, not lovers and that ain't good. I'll take one all mighty deep breath and start the ball rolling. I will let you know what happens.............xxx

**MissMeSha810** · 03-20-2010 05:59 PM

Good luck to you and we're here for you whenever you need.

**Joy** · 03-20-2010 06:11 PM

ok so 3 years is a long time - what causes his ED? Cholesteral, lifestyle, diabetes, age, porn addiction? ok i know it hurt you - him sending pics to other girls but..... i on the outside can see why he did it - those girls didn't know he has ED - so he was "normal" functioning to them.

This is not your problem of not turning him on - it's a health problem. There are so many other ways to give each other pleasure without penetration. Massage's, toys, oral, ect..... intamacy is so much more than just sex.

Do you ever go to his dr's appointments? you guys needs to talk about this. good luck