Husband and Premature Ejaculation

**MelG** · 03-08-2010 10:09 PM

My husband and I have been together 13 years and have 2 children. However we are having marital problems - my husband says he isnt in love with me anymore, however we are having counselling to try and work things out - at his suggestion.

Since the birth of our children, the result of 3 years infertility and IVF, our sex life and emotional intimacy has been bad. I have felt removed from him, without realing knowing why.

Anyway as a result of him pushing me to answer why and how things could be different in the future, plus visits to a counsellor, I have realised that one of the reasons is due to the fact we never dealt with the problem that he suffers from premature ejaculation.

He has suffered with this from day 1, and in previous relationships. I love him, but we never resolved what it means to us, or me, or even tried to solve it. I didnt want to make an issue of it so I think I buried my feelings about how it was impacting me many years ago. It is difficult to complain when your partner is also upset by it. I still love him, and will continue to do so whatever, but it needs to be talked about.

Now I have told him this though he has withdrawn even further from me. I was in a lose/lose situation whatever I did it seems. I am not sure what is going on in his head now. If we have a future I need him to recognise this as a problem, but know I am there to work with him to find a way to live with it. I will stand by him whatever, I love him, but only if he admits that it has caused some issues and gets help.

Am I asking too much? Has anyone else experienced this problem with a partner? How did you deal with it and lead a satisfying sex life? I would appreciate any advice.

**Mes T** · 03-08-2010 10:33 PM

Okay. It's difficult for me to believe that premature ejaculation is the root cause of these problems, for him to go as far as to say he doesn't love you anymore?

There are a few different tricks you can try to help him with this. Firstly, how long does he last on average, and do you orgasm from intercourse alone, or do you prefer manual/oral stimulation? That might help others get a clearer picture of the situation.

Anyway, some tips I've heard in the past:
- Have him masturbate some time before sex. Hopefully that would help lessen the "urgency."
- Use a penis ring.
- Switch it up often. If you notice him getting close, stop intercourse, and move to oral, coming back to it later.

**rcoreyus** · 07-28-2010 11:56 AM

Infertility treatments can be devastating to your sex life. It is a problem not often addressed, though I've seen some articles. Both parties can feel like they have failed. Sex can become a scheduled baby-making job. I wonder if this is part of the problem?

**WildChild** · 07-28-2010 12:51 PM

My kid's dad had ED. Or I should say developed it, he didn't have it at first. I did some research, talked to him about it and about what we could do to help this, his response was that he enjoyed it and saw no reason to change. When we were breaking up he saw a doctor who gave him some 'exersizes' to do and he had the balls then to ask me to help him with it - after years of refusing and leaving me high and dry.

This can be a big issue. Men are very touchy about it. Somehow it's supposed to be OK for them to comment on any aspect of a woman's sexuality, what she does and doesn't do, how responsive she is, and we are just supposed to take it with a smile. Of course it's all over the covers of half the women's magazines - how to please a man, how to at least act like you want and enjoy sex (it's would be better if they focused how to really orgasm). But what do men's publication's focus on? Well I can't recall having seen cover teasers like, "How To Give Her the Orgasm of Her Life and have her begging for more", "Become a Master at Cunnlingus - 7 easy tips", or "Get a Handle on Getting Her Off - Let Your Fingers Do The Walking, The few things I've seen about ED seem to focus on the possible health issues, which are very important, but not much on things like how a man can retrain himself to last longer.

It's like there is an unspoke agreement that men can't handle any conversation about this - it will crush them. Getting out into the air and the light and finding out that it is a fairly common problem would probably be helpful but there is just no 'dissing' male performance allowed it seems. If both men and women had a better understanding of this and what can be done and were more able to talk about it there would be more happier people in the world.

**jns** · 07-28-2010 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Well I can't recall having seen cover teasers like, "How To Give Her the Orgasm of Her Life and have her begging for more", "Become a Master at Cunnlingus - 7 easy tips", or "Get a Handle on Getting Her Off - Let Your Fingers Do The Walking

WC, these seem like perfect titles for threads on this forum. Has anyone ever tried anything similar? I'm sure many will say every woman is so unique that space travel is simpler than coming up with a great technique for each one. I'm not sure that there is that much uniqueness, but I have had experience with only a very, very small sample of the total pool.

**ItsASecret** · 07-28-2010 11:32 PM

Well I can't recall having seen cover teasers like, "How To Give Her the Orgasm of Her Life and have her begging for more", "Become a Master at Cunnlingus - 7 easy tips", or "Get a Handle on Getting Her Off - Let Your Fingers Do The Walking

Actually pick up a Cosmo magazine and they will have little blurbs like this all over. The "give her the earth shattering orgasm she has been waiting for" is a very popular one. The problem is they are pretty vague and quite predictable. Like a "get her off" would include-make sure she is aroused by everything otherwise there may be something wrong with her!, or "master at cunnilingus" would be-lick all around her vaginal area and then focus on the outside of the clit!. And of course the "orgasm of her life" answer-make her comfortable and make sure she tells you everything she wants you to do!.....like how much more predictable can it get? lol. Theres nothing new in those that people have not already heard of. The worst is when they believe that the same technique works for all women, and those parts get slipped into everything. Its so dumb.

**jns** · 07-29-2010 08:03 PM

I'm glad I haven't used Cosmo as a source. My key is observation. I notice it wasn't in your possible stories.

**WildChild** · 07-29-2010 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by ItsASecret

Actually pick up a Cosmo magazine and they will have little blurbs like this all over. The "give her the earth shattering orgasm she has been waiting for" is a very popular one. The problem is they are pretty vague and quite predictable. Like a "get her off" would include-make sure she is aroused by everything otherwise there may be something wrong with her!, or "master at cunnilingus" would be-lick all around her vaginal area and then focus on the outside of the clit!. And of course the "orgasm of her life" answer-make her comfortable and make sure she tells you everything she wants you to do!.....like how much more predictable can it get? lol. Theres nothing new in those that people have not already heard of. The worst is when they believe that the same technique works for all women, and those parts get slipped into everything. Its so dumb.

One has to wonder how many men read Cosmo anyway?

**ItsASecret** · 07-29-2010 10:46 PM

One has to wonder how many men read Cosmo anyway?

lol I certainly hope no guy has, the info is horrible.

**Texasred** · 07-31-2010 10:52 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Infertility treatments can be devastating to your sex life.

Boy, you can say THAT again!
My wife and I went through this several years ago at the Vanderbilt Clinic - a place which I strongly do NOT recommend! - where it was learned she couldn't conceive normally. I'll confess to not feeling enormously comfortable with the whole process, but I was "on board" with it completely. The doctors, nurses, etc. at that clinic make the man involved just feel he's an unpleasant but necessary accessory to the whole process, and he's treated with all the consideration the rancher gives his prize stallion - the one who's going to be milked for the sperm bank.
"Here you go - fill the cup. There's a stack of dirty magazines behind the door if you need them."
"Have your wife go in there with you? Whatever for?"

No, I take that back; most ranchers treat a good sire with more consideration than Vanderbilt does.

It was some time later before my wife and I got back to anything remotely resembling a normal sex life, and the resemblance was still remote.
For that matter, it still is, but that's another story...