Thread: Is it wrong?

I don't think you are wrong for your feelings... AT ALL. I do , however, think your relationship may not survive this block if it doesn't work itself out.

People always go on about men and this biological nature of attraction and why they look for certain features at its ingrained in them what makes good breeding stock on some basic caveman level.... Full breasts, baby makin' hips, etc etc...

But if there is a hint of truth to that , there could also be a hint of truth to women biologically seeking, becoming attracted to (even if they don't want kids) the most ideal candidate to father their babies ... a provider, healthy, strong, good physical traits to pass on to the youngin's.

I'm sure the possibility that he may impregnate you with a kid that may have odds stacked against its health has you not organically shutting down sexually.

But humans are evolved to the point that its not all about breeding, we have birth control, we can choose adoption or to not have kids at all... etc. So the mate you choose doesn't have to be based on breeding if we don't want it to be.

But you have to decide what you want. I think, in all honesty, If I was him... my heart would be so broken. The sexual rejection, feeling like some genetic freak, I would feel defected in a major way. My feelings for you would change. They'd have to. Not feeling good enough for someone is an increddible blow to take.

I am NOT saying thats how you feel about him, I'm saying if the concerns you had were being relayed to me, and I was him... that is how I would feel.

Do you know how you will feel if the results of the test show he has the gene? Are you planning to leave him?

I know you are upset about him not telling you about the possiblity of a future illness he may or may not get, may or may not pass on... but I , personally, think its a bit unfair.

Would you have been as outraged if he has an overweight mom, overweight grandma, overweight genes running in his family that he didn't tell you about? Dwarfism? A cousin with diabetes?

I don't feel like, unless you were TTC, that it would be something to be upset about him not mentioning the family health history prior to sex with you while you're on bc.

It's not so much that I blame him for not just being like "hey now that we've dated a few times I should tell you this". No...I feel incredibly sorry for him that he's carried this burden for 10 years. But in my defense, he will even admit that he was dead wrong for sitting there and saying nothing, and that what he should have done was after the first pregnancy test said "THANK GOD...." and sat me down and if nothing else, backed himself up from the relationship a bit. But better yet, tell me the situation, let me know that you're thinking about more than just yourself, let me know that my well being and my future is something you care about too. But that didn't happen. I felt disregarded.

I'm very open with him, and have no way made it look like "I don't want to have sex with you because you might have this". What I tell him is what I have told you all, that I felt like he disregarded me, my future, my life. I felt like he put his own sexual satisfaction before good sense. And I felt like God was watching out for us in a time when I could have easily gotten pregnant (on antibiotics). For that reason I felt like in order to be FULLY aware of what we were both getting into, abstaining from sex for 2 or 3 months was the best idea. I didn't think that was unreasonable, and he didn't disagree, but yet brings it up to me last night out of the blue which results in me feeling pressured.

I'm not saying how I feel is the right way to feel. That's why I'm here. I don't do anything to try to make him feel less "worthy" because he might have this disease. His mother died from it, his grandfather died from it, his sister tested positive for it........ and it is VERY serious to me. Someone who tests positive for this gene has a 100% chance of developing the disease. Google it: Huntingtons Disease, and maybe that will help you understand my stricken fear about our future. But in no way do I even indicate that his test results have anything to do with ME, this is for HIM...he has sat on this for 10 years and he needs to know in order to plan for his future one way or the other, in order to be able to be honest and FAIR to a partner, and fair to future children. PS. An adoption agency in my opinion would never adopt to a family with a parent suffering from this disease. It would be absolutely horrible for a child.

As for what the results mean for US, we've talked about it. He told me if the situation was reversed he'd like to think he'd be willing to devote the rest of his life to taking care of me and forgoing his dreams of marriage and children and financial stability.........but he admitted he's not sure that after only dating 6 or 7 months he'd be willing to do that. I feel the same way...I'm not sure. And yes.....I know that sucks for him horribly. I hate the way I feel, I wish I was some saint that felt differently, but I'm not. And because I DO care about him, I just hope we can get past it. He has ALOT of growing up to do in relationships, and I'm not sure whether we're compatible or not even if the test is negative. But it sucks badly to be put in this position so soon into a relationship.

I think actually ... that being put in this position NOW... as opposed to later on is good because you will be able to have the option to go away if you don't think its what you want for your life, with minimal damages done in the way of seperating finances/children etc... and we all know couples dating 1/2 a year have broken up for far more squirly reasons than this serious one your facing now.

You just never know with life.... you can leave him and marry a perfectly healthy man that gets hit by a bus (i certainly hope to God that you dont obviously) but its just what life is. Its fragile. We never know from one minute to the next what we have and what will be taken away without notice.

Look at the women that come here and post that one day they woke up in their happy marriage to find their husband packing his bags, moving in with a chick from work... I'm leaving you, honey... that is all, no warning... just boom. Life changes.

Obviously we can make choices that can reduce the risks, picking a mate without a fatal genetic disorder, picking a mate that doesn't have a history of being a ladies man... but all in all... it really doesn't matter because what will be, will be.. and there isn't anything any of us can do about but ride that wave.

I commend you for your honesty, to us, to him, and to yourself on how you feel about his condition.

I do think that he should have been open with you, but I can also see why he wouldnt be. The fear of all this that is now, and it will be a fear he has to carry in every relationship going forward. As he can not wear a bumper sticker on his forehead warning off girls that are seeking to have children to choose someone else.

He obviously loves you, you have convinced him to get a test he wasn't getting on his own, one that is necessary for his life and so that does show how much you also love him.

I can't blame him for bringing up the lack of sex. I can't. It is what it is. He is just telling you how he feels, you tell him how you feel... he does the same , its only fair.

You are a strong woman from everything I've read you write and I don't think he can guilt you into sex you don't want to have. You can continue to punish him and yourself for the damage that was done by his silence... or you can seize the moments you have every day, to feel joy and happiness in all the little ways life lets us feel it... maybe sex, maybe not. But it serves no one, not you... not him... to live with a chip on the shoulder.

He hurt you, you felt disregaurded. He was sorry. You guys are moving past that... allow yourself to be happy today, even if you know 2 weeks from now may be a different story. That different story will occur when it occurs, no matter if you are upset or happy today..