Why does sex cause so many problems

**rcoreyus** · 03-11-2010 05:50 PM

If you look at posts on relationship issues, sex seems to top the list, with money second. Money makes sense - there is always a limited amount, and what one parter spends, the other can't: there is a natural conflict (that can of course be avoided if people are loving and reasonable).

Sex is different from anything else. For some reason most people demand exclusivity, insist that you can only have sex with your partner. If people in a relationship are sexually incompatible, this leads to all sorts of tensions.

For anything else, for most people it is OK for the partner to get what they want somewhere else: If they like spicy food - they can eat out with friends. If they want to play sports, watch movies etc, that their partners don't like, they can do that with friends.

Sex of course has risks, but I think that even if there were no chance of pregnancy or disease, most people would not want their partners having sex with someone else.

Why? Why for this particular thing does it bother you for your partner to do what they enjoy? I'm convinced the strong feelings against porn (often discussed here) are directly related - porn is viewed as another form of sex.

The result is that people who are completely compatible in other ways can still be unable to have a happy relationship. For people who wait until marriage, this can be a terrible surprise.

So, I'm really curious - why does it matter?

**sungem77** · 03-11-2010 06:01 PM

its a great topic. for some people it doesnt matter if their partners sleep with someone else as in the case of open relationships or polyamourous couples. however, i think for most people sex often engenders extremely powerful feelings of love, intimacy and closeness. many people onlywant to share these experiences with one other person.
from a biological view, perhaps it makes more sense to be attracted and commited to one person at least for a while in order to produce and raise a child.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-11-2010 06:09 PM

IDK.

I think it's the "bonding" feeling that it's "intimate" not "sex", on the most part, then sex when that's the exact way you want it.

I think if you can't feel, if it's mechanical, if it's just because, that's how your mind takes it and it means nothing, useless, you feel used, just a body.

I think when intimacy comes into it and you work at maintaining that, no inhibitions then it creates lust into the relationship and love, combined therefore works.

Each time your rejected, you also feel worthless, not attractive and so the in-securities come out.

Newly married I don't think that they research each other enough so to speak to work out the points that work for both parties.

And, I think alot has to do with "the old age".. how people are bought up.

Different sex drives? I believe that, that is because people forget to keep things going and all of a sudden lose interest in their partner, seeing them as friends and can't fathom the later.

I think it all takes work and continuity.

Ultimately for me, it's a bond.. there is a level of feeling it in my stomach as well as my body, and bonds me further... If there is no bond and it's just sex, i turn off that person and feel like the animal kingdom, just a hole to put it in so to speak and emotions are very real I believe, where women are concerned.

Without "intimacy", sex becomes sex... and I'm not a hole for someone to just get off on.. It's much deeper than that for me anyway.

CW

**WildChild** · 03-11-2010 06:12 PM

Good question, I could predict what you are likely to get as responses and argue either side, but won't. Part of it is social conditioning. It's difficult for me personally, to separate what may be social conditioning from my own natural inclinations. I do think that as part of a loving relationship, sex strengthens and deepens the connection. When I am emotionally and sexually satisfied I feel no interest in other possible sexual partners. Despite recognizing that may not be true for others, I would feel concerned and hurt if I felt the relationship were all I needed and my partner didn't feel the same. But I have a high sex drive and am fairly willing to try new things

If I had a life partner, were secure in their affection and became unable to perform sexually, I would encourage them to find satisfaction elsewhere. I would see that as a loving thing to do. I have know people who faced this situation and did just that.

Unfortunately, in most cases, ownership, both sexual and otherwise, seems to be the more common emotion brought into play. When one or both partners cease to make any effort, or to be concerned with the emotional and physical needs of the other, there is an expectation that it simply must be endured. It isn't right but we have millenias of being told that our pleasure and rewards will come elsewhere, to justify it.

**LanaBear** · 03-11-2010 06:21 PM

Definitely a good topic.

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel. I definitely prefer monogamy, however, throughout the years when I could have cared less if I ever had sex again, I at times told my husband to go have sex with someone else. However, now that I'm back in the game, I'm not sure how that would have effected us in the long run, probably not very well. I'm a very jealous person, for one, and would not even think of saying that now. He, thankfully, never took me up on the offer and always maintained he didn't marry me to go have sex with someone else, only me. But it did cause a lot of issues between the two of us in the past.

However, I do think virginity is over rated. Sex is such a big part of a relationship, that not finding out if you are sexually compatible with someone is a recipe for disaster. I'm not saying you should go out and sleep around with every person on the block, but if you are involved with someone seriously and can trust and love the person, why not find out if you are sexually compatible.

For me, NOW, sex is very intimate and a major bond with my hubby. I feel it with every fiber of my being. It's a huge emotional experience for me now and I know I could never go back to the way it was for us before.

**caterpillar79** · 03-11-2010 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

.... sex is very intimate and a major bond with my hubby. I feel it with every fiber of my being. It's a huge emotional experience for me ....

I agree 100%. For me, it is one of the many ways of sharing myself and everything with him and a whole lot more.

I would love to post more on this and share what I have in mind, but it is getting late and I am so tired. I need to get up early tomorrow. so, I will be back to post and elaborate tomorrow - hopefully!

**rcoreyus** · 03-11-2010 10:55 PM

Consider the specific case where your SO wants something sexual that you don't want to do. Nothing really strange. Maybe more sex, or maybe some fairly common sex act that you happen to dislike (anal, oral, bondage games, etc). Why wouldn't you want them to get it somewhere else.

I know some people are poly and have no problem with this, I'm wondering why the others do care (as most people do).

**LilahX** · 03-22-2010 02:05 AM

Ahhhhh the eternal question. Societies beliefs about monogamy etc have their roots in the church as a way to control people. Most people live with great difficulty about what is supposed to be the 'right way' but others like my partner and myself choose to be emotionally monogamous, but no physically. We are swingers.

For us, the sex between the two of us is the best. Is awesome. Is fantastic.

BUT we also get a huge turn on by indulging each other's desires to have experiences with other people and we do this together. We know our hearts belong to each other, but our bodies aren't exclusive. Not everyone can cope with this either morally or emotionally, but those who can split love from sex don't face the stress of thinking there's something wrong with us b/c we fancy having sex with someone other than our partner. We just do it with each other rather than behind each others backs.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2010 02:17 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Consider the specific case where your SO wants something sexual that you don't want to do. Nothing really strange. Maybe more sex, or maybe some fairly common sex act that you happen to dislike (anal, oral, bondage games, etc). Why wouldn't you want them to get it somewhere else.

I know some people are poly and have no problem with this, I'm wondering why the others do care (as most people do).

Mmmm... I would feel that what I give isn't good enough, that he really doesn't love me enough to accept what I do give, that he's a cheater therefore, he's lying to me where the L word is concerned.

But are we talking a very long term relationship? Where there is total trust of him never leaving, as he really does hold alot of love for me, but just not enough sex? And, I didn't want to give that? Would I accept him getting it elsewhere? I still have to say no.. In fear he'd fall in love and I'd lose him.. I would really have to look deep inside to see if I could compromise a bit more and if I couldn't, then I would probably hide, and hope he didn't.. I however, may look the other way, if I thought he wouldn't but he did in knowing of what I wasn't giving him... if I didn't feel threatened.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 03-22-2010 06:47 AM

LilahX, It sounds like you and your partner have a very healthy attitude and enjoy yourselves - but this seems to work for so few people.

CW: I think most people would agree with how you feel - but it is difficult to understand. Wouldn't you be more likely to lose him if he wasn't able to get something he wanted and had to go without or cheat? How would you feel if you was something he didn't want to do for you?