Never ever thought I'd be doing this

**beachgirl** · 03-13-2010 06:07 AM

I'll get right to the point, I don't know that anyone can help me, but I had to try.
My husband and I have been married to 28 years and have had a wonderful relationship the whole 28 years. We have always had a very physical, satisfying relationship, up until recently.
We are what most would call fundamental Christians. My husband was a virgin when we married and had been brought up very conservative. I came from a rather free spiritied, "hippy" lifestyle before I got saved.
Up until the last year we had felt that oral sex was incompatable with the scriptures and had not partook of it. But, I personally studied and researched the scriptures and could find nothing at all to teach against it, and I desired it, but I also had to respect my husband's conscience as well in the issue. After a while of struggling with this, we counciled with our pastor about it, and he basically left it with us, as long as it wasn't a substitute for sex and was for stimulation the scriptures didn't teach against it.
I was in 7th heaven. Sex became something that I had only dreampt of. I enjoyed giving it and receiving it, and was experiencing a pleasure with my husband that was beyond my expectations. But, before too long, I noticed that my husband didn't seem to desire to give to me as I did to him. This was ok, kind of, but then he started avoiding letting me stimulate him and never said anything to me as to why.
Finally, I asked him what the problem with us was, and he said that he didn't know how to tell me but he just could not have confidence in himself (spiritually) if we continued to have oral sex.
His salvation is more important to me than oral sex, but this has been very hard on me. For him to rub me seems a big let down after what we had, and most of the time it just frustrates me rather than excite me. I really really enjoy making love with my husband, but I'd really like to get something more out of it than just pleasing him, and that is all it seems to be anymore. You'd think after 28 years, this wouldn't be a problem..but it is. I just don't know what to do.
I haven't gone into so many of the details as this would have taken forever to type up, and I don't know that anyone can say anything to help me, but it does feel better to have finally gotten some of this out of my system.

**WildChild** · 03-13-2010 06:11 AM

I wish I could offer some ideas. My thoughts on religion are so incompatible with yours as to completely disqualify me from addressing this. But I'm glad that being able to express your feelings is a help.

**sourpuss** · 03-13-2010 08:12 AM

WC, you stole the words right out of my month!

Beachgirl, I hope that you can get the answers that you're looking for.

**beachgirl** · 03-13-2010 09:17 AM

Thanks ladies. I really didn't expect anyone to have any answers. I thin my answer may be just in stopping feeling sorry for myself over this. Like I said, we had many many years of a satisfying relationship.
ok..I'll go on since I'm on a roll right now ..again, I don't expect you to really understand as this is coming from a very fundamental heart..so bear with me.
I mentioned that when my husband tries hard to satisfy me via caressing me that I find it more frustrating than satisfying. I think that this goes back to many years of having my personal problem with fantasy during those times. The only way that I could get satisfaction with it was to fantasize about usually oral sex as he caressed me. Now..I don't want to fantasize about that and I actively resist it, so I don't climax and many times end up telling him to stop, that it isn't working- and we both feel bad.
I feel like an oversex driven undersatisfied woman and it just doesn't make me feel good about myself at all.
Please don't tell me to go to a religious board, most religious individuals don't share my convictions either. It does help to sit and actually put my feelings into words though, so for that I do thank you.

**rcoreyus** · 03-13-2010 10:01 AM

Its so hard to provide guidance on religious questions, there is so much variation in what people believe.

For what its worth, I don't know of any scripture that teaches that it is bad to do sexual things that you enjoy with your spouse. The bible doesn't really have a lot to say about one's sex life except that adultery is wrong, and by some interpretations homosexuality and some very unusual activities (like bestiality) are wrong.

Again, I don't speak with any religious authority, but my take on this is: I'm guessing that you and your husband are like most fallible humans and have sinned in some way. Is shared intimacy with your spouse really the worst sin you have committed (if it even is a sin)? I would think that for most people there are many other things to concentrate on if you are worried concerned your salvation.

Are you sure his objections are religious? Could it be that he doesn't like / is bothered by it for some other reason and his mind jumps to religion as an explanation for something he may not really understand himself?

From the physical side, I understand how you feel. It is incredibly frustrating when your spouse won't do something for you in bed. That act you are missing can take on an importance way out of proportion to how much you actually enjoy it. You know others are doing this, and you can't. That can lead to envy, to many people a more serious sin. Possibly by avoiding something that may not be a sin at all, he is leaving you open to something that is.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2010 02:44 PM

I think "once a free spirit" always a "free spirit" and the older we get as women, the more fantasies exist I think, there comes a point where we desire more.

I'm wondering if this is how he is thinking? That there maybe a fear there? You were a free spirit, he was rigid to religion. He may be thinking that this will bring something out in you that may tempt you elsewhere for instance?

Just a thought and probably a realistic one, that maybe you should address your love and devotion and that you purely wanted to "feel" another level of intimacy that reaches the soul, after all it doesn't say you can't in the Bible and it's him that you desire and always has and will.

**p3375** · 03-13-2010 02:44 PM

I come from a fundimental Christian background (baptist-appalachian mountain style) .

First I can't believe ya had the courage to approach the pastor about this. GOOD for you, dear. I certainly could not have done so, admire yr guts!

Second - man has always added his own rules and restrictions to God's Word. You discovered oral sex was not scripturally prohibited by doing your own reading rather than depending on others to interpret. Again Good for You!

Looks like your husband isn't so sure, or is deeply troubled by this kind of activity. I expect this will not change unless he makes his own journey of discovery.

Afraid, my dear, that baring an inner change inside your husband, you are stuck.. Prayer a powerful tool. Get yourself a small circle of prayer friends. Pray for this change. No ya don't have to tell them exact nature of what you need, just a gen idea i.e. - pray for my relationship w/ hubby.

**beachgirl** · 03-13-2010 05:51 PM

Again, thank you all for your thoughts.
My husband would do anything, and I know this to be absolutely true- anything for me... As long as it did not go against his spiritual convictions. I fell in love with the man that loved God first. This just happens to be the first and only time that I can think of that he had to put into action loving God first before me, as our spiritual desires have always coincided. It is definitely a spiritual conviction of his and believe me, he knows that I love him and have no desire for anyone else. Those that know me, know that I am almost "silly" in love with my husband, which is one reason why this has been sooooo hard.
P33, thank you. Because of the personal nature of this, I really hadn't thought too much to make any kind of prayer request. But, I will ask (without details) some close friends to pray with me.
I do not see my husband changing. I know him well. And I know that he struggled with it as well before coming to this conclusion. I am sure that he must have told the Lord that he would not do it again because of how he was feeling, and if he did, then that is it.
So, all this said, it's going to have to be me that does the changing.... I can do this?

**happy ending** · 03-13-2010 09:50 PM

if god didnt want us to express our love physically why is it so good? i cant believe god is concerned with oral sex between a married couple when the world seems to be going to hellin a hand basket!

**sperosi** · 03-14-2010 04:45 AM

i have a very simple view on stuff like this.

just because people are not used to doing certain things, does not mean that our bodies werent designed to do it.

if you have a problem with the human body or what it can do sexually, go take it up with the creator!