Do you care if your husband masturbates???

**Mark1973** · 03-14-2010 06:07 AM

This is kind of a sensitive subject I can't really talk to my friends about, so I came to an anonymous place to get opinions. BTW I am a long time reader because I am an avid health nut. I am a male 36 YO.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we have been together for about 8 years. We have a pretty even marriage actually she makes a little more money than I do now because she just accepted a new job about 6 months ago. We have always had a good marriage, but she thinks we don't have enough sex. I have always contested that I work long hours and I am tired, But yesterday morning for the first time in a while she caught me masturbating before I got into the shower (Just to be honest I do it every morning). I kinda blew it off and just went on to take a shower. (it's normal right?) I mean it's not something I want to do in front of her, but hey. After I got out of the shower, she had already gone to work, but there was a note on the door that she wanted to talk when she got home. OK, no big deal I figured it was work related. So I got home last night, and she said we had to talk. I said, OK. She told me that she didn't want me to masturbate ever again, and that it has pissed her of ever since we had been married and she wasn't going to take it anymore. I asked her why it bothers her so much? She said that it causes our lack of sex because I can do it quick and easy, It causes men to be un-attentive, and it changes my attitude. None of which I agree with and I told her that. This whole thing caught me by surprise and was humiliating so I did my best to just move the conversation along so I could get it over with. The rest of the night was pretty awkward because this has never been an issue. I don't want to quit masturbating, but if she asks I don't want to lie to her either we don't lie to each other). The bathroom has a lock on it, but if I lock the door she will know what I am doing. Thank god she has to work today, but than I got on the computer after she had gone, and in the history there was a few pages on male masturbation. Her attitude has been changing ever since she started this job 6 months ago and making more money than me. PLEASE HELP ME.

**WildChild** · 03-14-2010 07:28 AM

I doubt very much that how much money she makes has much to with this issue, other than that a woman who is economically able to take care of herself may be less likely to tollerate an unsatisafactory relationship. If you've spent much time here then you have probably noticed that there are a lot of threads devoted to women who are with men who have lower sex drives. For many, many years we've heard all the jokes about women who don't want sex, but it seems there are just as many men who aren't interested. Anytime a couple has badly mismatched interests in sex, it can become a big problem.

She is telling you that your sex life isn't satisfactory. She isn't getting what she needs from you. She has been looking for answers and masterbation is one she's come up with as a possible reason why you are less attentive and less willing to engage in love making with her. Woman or man, feeling sexually rejected HURTS. It sounds like she feels that at one time the two of you had a much more attentive and caring love life than you have now. You can see this as a total put down or you can see it as a real sign of hope. She's not saying your are poor lover and always have been. She's saying that your attitude has changed and that you used to be a more caring and attentive lover and she misses that and wants to restore it in your relationship. Obviously this isn't the first time the subject has come up, it's just that this time she has zeroed in on your regular masterbation as a possible cause.

You need to do some examining of your own. What has changed? Why are you too tired for sex with her? Have you resisted making changes that would improve this situation? Part of the bargain we strike in marriage should be that we give up the stress of chasing different partners and accept the freedom of having a committed partner who loves us and with whom we share a mutual attraction and desire, so we can build a stable and loving life together. When one partner shuts the other off sexually, emotionally or in any other way, what options to they have? They can talk about it, as your wife has apparently done more than once. It communication gets no real response they can either suffer, look elsewhere to meet their needs or walk.

What do you want? It doesn't sound like she is willing to suffer in silence. Are you willing to do what it would take to help create a more frequent, exciting and loving relationship or are you happy with the status quo? My guess it if it is that later, you may not have a choice, she's not happy with it. We've said over and over here that the one with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship but that's only true if the one the higher interest isn't willing to end the marriage. How much longer do you think she'll be willing to accept this? What are you willing to do to show that you care, are actually hearing what she's said and want to find a balance that will meet both your needs?

**Linda46** · 03-14-2010 07:40 AM

Well, to be honest, if I was your wife I would feel cheated too.

She is complaining of not enough sex and you say that you are too tired, stressed, etc to have sex with her, yet you are having sex with yourself EVERY morning?????

I am all for self pleasuring if it doesn't interfere with your relationship with your wife, but she is clearly telling you that she is not getting enough quality time from you. Perhaps if you would abstain from masturbating, you will get horny and find the time, energy, etc to have sex with her more often!

You are on a slippery slope.. stop being so selfish. Turn your sexual energy towards her again. Make her feel cherished, desired, and sexually satisfied. You will reap the rewards in your relationship many times over.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2010 08:03 AM

You masturbate every morning, but are too 'tired' and 'stressed' to have sex with her as often as SHE would like... of COURSE she's going to be frustrated. If you weren't masturbating, no matter how tired or stressed you were, you'd find the energy for sex because you obviously have a need for it.

I'm sure she doesn't want you to NEVER masturbate, she probably said that out of sheer frustration with the situation. If I wanted sex with my boyfriend but he had no drive, no energy and still managed to crank one out alone every morning I would want him to stop with that and use that energy on me too.

If you desired sex with your wife, but she was entirely too busy to accomadate yet was having her needs met daily with a dildo... you'd be frustrated too.

I don't think asking you to stop masturbating all together is fair, at all. You should be able to enjoy your body when you want to. But if you could , on your own, come to the conclusion that if you didn't do it so much you might have more interest in sex, you'd probably have a happier marriage/sex life.

**takara** · 03-14-2010 08:41 AM

There is nothing wrong with this act , however if your wife is starting to complain about not having intercourse you might want to evaluate your role as a provider of the house. Although this issue may not be life or death you have to take into consideration your wifes feelings. If this is a problem to her you guys need to sit down and talk about this issue and come to grips with some sort of resolution that will benifit the both of you. The first step has already taken place. She has already informed you of an issue that could turn out to be very devasting if not handled in the right way.

**LadySue** · 03-14-2010 09:47 AM

I would have no problem with my hubby masturbating, in fact I love to watch him do it. But if him doing that meant I would miss out on my fun then I would be quite peeved about it. Saying you are tired and stressed them masturbating every day is not on in her eyes. It's like saying you can't have sex because you have a painful knee, then you go out for a ten mile run.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2010 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by LadySue

It's like saying you can't have sex because you have a painful knee, then you go out for a ten mile run.

That is EXACTLY what it is like. It's a selfish act. You probably know yourself better than anyone. Your desire to masturbate every day shows your drive is just fine and healthy. If you denied self-gratification... you would create a desire to get sexual gratification with your wife which would make your relationships A LOT more healthy, especially seeing as how she is craving that from you.

Denying her sex in the first place is likely creating feelings of low self-esteem, creating a need for attention elsewhere in a more fragile person/relationship.

Denying her sex when you are fully capable of providing it, yet just prefer to handle it on your own terms in the shower will not only still have an effect on those above feelings but will also create RESENTMENT and a build up of contempt for you and the relationship as a whole.

Her asking you to stop is her plea for you be reasonable and to share yourself more with her. She took drastic measures in asking you to stop all together but the drastic nature of neglect has brought her to the breaking point.

She can't make you stop masturbating, you can do it whenever you can squeeze it in and she isn't around and keep up this distance of not having energy for sex with her... but to what benefit?

She has begged you to stop, told you her needs to be with you and your focus seems to be on reveling in the moments she leaves the house so you can continue the behavior you have to know isn't helping your relationship.

The balls in your court, obviously. Continue the same path and have a sexually dissatisfied spouse or exhibit self control and relearn that there is more to your sexual desire than just this need to ejaculate, it can be shared and expressed as love and desire to your wife.

**cuff** · 03-14-2010 10:38 AM

Is this a serious question? You masturbate every morning, don't give your wife sex, she gets upset, and you blame it on her job. This is either a BS question or you're clueless. You know as well as I do, if you masturbate every day it's going to kill your sex drive there after. So I have a solution: Stop masturbating every day in the shower! Simple

**rcoreyus** · 03-14-2010 01:52 PM

Is she willing to have quick sex with you rather that having you masturbate?

I generally feel that masturbation is fine as long as it is not a substitute for sex with your partner, but something you do when they are not available. (or with them if you both enjoy that).

If your masturbation is reducing the amount of sex you have with her, then there is a problem.

**Mark1973** · 03-14-2010 07:51 PM

Thanks for all the insights, this why I posted here, I knew I would get good advice. I never thought about those things most of you have mentioned and I feel really bad. The last thing I want is to hurt or frustrate my wife as I love her more than anything in this world. That said, it will take some work to resolve my masturbation issue. She gets home at 6 am tomorrow and wants to talk more about it and it's making me nervous.