Feeling unloved

**the_hak** · 03-15-2010 12:53 PM

Sorry ladies, another guy invading your domain but I needed a female perspective. I've been with my wife for 12 years (married for nearly 8). Just like every other couple, sex was plentiful in the dating years but after we got married it took a serious hit. We lived together before we got married so we decided to be celibate in the three months leading up to our wedding. It was a great idea, but after our very short honeymoon, her very troubled brother came to stay with us for a few months and we never really got our old groove back. After a few years of marriage we had our first child. We went from having sex about once a month to having it about every 3-4 months (through and after pregnancy). Our baby was premee and was a horrible sleeper for that first year so most of her naps were either my or my wife’s shoulder. This eventually led to our child sleeping with us. Much the same scenario played out with the birth of our second child. Now we have two kids in our king sized bed sleeping between us. I know that there are plenty of times and places to have sex that don't involve the bedroom or bedtime. The trouble is that we never have any time away from our kids. Our two year old often falls asleep breastfeeding on my wife’s lap until we go to bed. The whole scenario makes me feel sad and hopeless.
I do bring it up with my wife. We have "the conversation" roughly every 3 months when I am asking her for sex. I always feel good after we have the conversation and we actually get down to having sex about two weeks afterward. This is usually facilitated by me taking the afternoon off from work and taking the kids off to the babysitters. I feel good about everything for a while but then the days go by and the cycle begins again. I get horny but opportunities don’t appear. That sexual feeling becomes sexual frustration and resentment. As the weeks pass, my head fills with negative self talk and second guessing. I try to put on a happy face but I have a terrible poker face. I get quiet because I feel I can’t talk about what I’m thinking in front of the children. We rarely have the opportunity to talk alone. She asks what is wrong, already knowing the answer due to past experience (she has told me this on a number of occasions). This eventually leads to us having the conversation again. I sometimes think that a nice overnight getaway with just the two of us would be just what the doctor ordered but we have no one we can leave the children with overnight. She is a busy person balancing a half time job and raising our kids. She has a lot to deal with in a day. I’m also busy with a job that ranges from 40-55 hours per week and I try to help out around the house as much as I can.
When we do actually have sex, it is enjoyable but awkward. She used to love to be cuddled and caressed now I’m really only allowed to kiss her mouth and give her oral sex. We have had regular sex twice in the last two years. Wandering hands and lips are a no-no. When I kiss her out of the blue she sort of kisses back but stares at me in awe the entire time. She says it is because I never kiss her. I tell her I don't kiss her because she makes me feel weird about it.
I used to think that she would come around or that I was just putting too much emphasis on sex but how many times can I slam my head against the wall without any real progress. I find myself going out of my way to make her happy -- spending money we don't have on things she wants and doing every little thing she asks. I don't know if I am trying to be a good husband or just buy her affection.
I know I deserve more than this but I don’t know how to convince her. I love her and the kids so much but at the same time I am tired of being miserable 75 per cent of the time. Does anyone have any insight that they would be willing to share?
Sorry for the long message.

**Rainbow Rider** · 03-15-2010 01:14 PM

So many issues on so many levels, and not even sexual. Allowing your children to be in your bed as you do is not healthy for you or for them, and has set you all up for failure (as you are now finding). Get thee to a family counselor! The family counselor will help you wean your children and introduce you to the concept of tough love. Children with what you preceived to be sleep issues MUST learn to sleep on their own, don't you think? Will they be welcome in your bed when they are teen agers, too? And instead of trying to buy your wife, buy counseling instead?

Sorry for my "tough love" approach, but come on!

**LanaBear** · 03-15-2010 01:37 PM

I wouldn't say a family bed was unhealthy, nor setting up the entire family for failure. It works for some and not others.

However, you may want to explore the discussion with her about when is the time to move the little ones to their own rooms, so mommy and daddy can have some alone time.

My first shared a bed with us for about 18 months, but very easily moved into his own room when it was time. The second, I rocked to sleep every night for about a year, but he still went fine into his room, well once he hit about 6 months or so.

It is important for parents to still remember what brought them together, sure your family obligations are larger, there is more stress, etc., but it is so important to make sure that the two of you have some alone time. Even if it isn't for an overnight. Take them to a babysitter during the day every once in a while. Spend the day at home, just the two of you, don't worry about the house, the kids, etc.

Sometimes you have to kick being tired aside, even for 20 minute fun loving quickies.

**rcoreyus** · 03-15-2010 01:46 PM

So common - one partner loses interest in sex, and there have been many threads on this here. BTW: its evenly split between men and women in this situation. It may not just get better (>20 years for me), but it might. Any chance she would consider counselling?

**Pinkyshot** · 03-15-2010 01:49 PM

I have 4 kids and while I did have them in my bed or next to it in their bed I say around a year they can have their own bed in their own room not only will they sleep better so will you. You and your wife will be able to have those little moments together even with a busy schedule to touch and cuddle and talk and have sex and just feel loved. You should really think about getting the kids out of the room. Also I know this is a touchy subject but I have a 2 year old and I really think they should be on solids and drinking milk out of a cup before 2 years old...cause that really can damper a relationship real fast and it isn't going to be hurting a child in anyway...I also breastfeed all my children and stopped after the first main months they say you should breastfeed....I know it can be hard but the longer you wait on that the harder it is to get them to stop and to sleep in their own room....you can get a baby monitor...even a video baby monitor to make sure they are okay....if your wife is having problems with letting the kids go in the room maybe counseling would be the best bet...I understand its hard with them being premature when they are born but if they are both healthy now it would make everyone happy in the end to have their own rooms

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-15-2010 03:23 PM

When I kiss her out of the blue she sort of kisses back but stares at me in awe the entire time

Too many people play the "blame game" where not enough sex is happening, when sometimes it's staring you in the face.

Women are affectionate creatures, she sees this as passion as love, as nothing to do with sex and she's in awe over it, you have a complex about doing it because she has a complex after having her babies, of her body, hense her comments about kissing only and oral.

The talks are based on your needs, but she has told you with her eyes what she craves, not material things, rather, this bonding without sex, the kiss.

Realise that she feels horrid of her body which I am sure she doesn't have too, but this also brings in a problem where sex is concerned, " I don't like what I look like", attitude turns some women into hiding.

Realise she prefers a kiss, for no reason than a gift.

If you took the kids to babysitters before, start again, instead of the gifts but up-most start telling her how you love her body, her boobs, and kiss her for no reason then start your babysitting again and I'm sure things will fall back more into place.

She still has passion about you.. This is not about her not wanting sex, it's about her not feeling secure about her body and not wanting "just sex", rather love as well shown by way of that kiss.

CW

**the_hak** · 03-15-2010 06:56 PM

CW Perhaps I didn't explain it properly. The "look of awe" is more of a look of "what are you doing"? I've tryed to initiate kissing sessions. I've told her that I am expecting nothing but kissing. I made a point of trying to initiate this once a week or so, just to try to have a high school make out session for a few minutes at a time. The third time around, she told me that it was enough.
I do agree that there are some body issues there. We have both gained a few pounds over the years and I've told her that I don't care. I think she is beautiful and sexy. She was willing to have my babies, there is nothing sexier than that. But she often shrugs off my compliments as me saying nice things to try to get into her pants. The material things are essentially things she mentions that she would like. I find myself obsessing about how I can give them to her. That's my neuroses.
I've asked her what she needs and she knows I will do anything for her but she doesn't tell me what her needs are. I would give her what she wants if I knew what it was.

**Mes T** · 03-15-2010 07:11 PM

Definitely gotta get those kids out of your bed.

Just recently I heard some tips on how to do that. Spend a few days sleeping in your kids' rooms, give them something of yours to sleep with, and reward them the next morning with something if they succeed in this.

This is so important. Obviously it's taking a toll on your relationship, but it's also healthier for the kids to learn to sleep on their own!

**jns** · 03-15-2010 07:32 PM

It seems like she is worried that one thing will lead to another and that will lead to another baby. It also seems as if the premarital sex was to draw you in. Does she climax during the oral sex you give her? If she does and often, I wouldn't think she would decline that experience for long. Everything she is stopping you from doing is to keep you from getting too excited and herself from getting too excited. It sounds like she has checked things off a list, so maintenance is no longer required. I hope you can find something to bring her out of this malaise.

**Texasred** · 03-15-2010 10:16 PM

Originally Posted by the_hak

CW Perhaps I didn't explain it properly. The "look of awe" is more of a look of "what are you doing"? I've tryed to initiate kissing sessions. I've told her that I am expecting nothing but kissing. I made a point of trying to initiate this once a week or so, just to try to have a high school make out session for a few minutes at a time. The third time around, she told me that it was enough.
... I would give her what she wants if I knew what it was.

I sympathize, but I can't give you any useful advice; if I knew the answer, I'd put it to use myself!
Rest assured though that you're not the only guy this has happened to.