Wife never in the mood need help!

**dyunysus** · 03-21-2010 07:57 PM

Hi everyone, i am completely new to this, and i am mostly asking women for feedback on my marital sex issues.

Backround Me and wife both 28 yrs old, me 6' tall, her 5'10"

Me and my wife met in high school, at 15yr old, stole her from her boyfriend at the time, (yes she was my first and is still the only women i have been with, she had been with 1 other.) However she was sexually assaulted as a child at age 8 (yes that had caused some problem with sex at first until she trusted me fully when we were younger. Despite that we were still intimate almost on an every other day basis.

We dated till we were 20, moved in together for 2yrs got married and had first child at 22, second child 4-1/2 yrs later. Ever since our first child was born 5yrs ago my wife's interest in sex has declined to about 2x month if that. Added note i also know she is not happy with her post pregnancy body, she was about 160 before and is now around 215. (I still find her highly attractive, but she does not believe that.) Now i work as a civil engineer and she is LPN. i work day shift, she works second to save on babysitters (not alot of time to see each other).

I am also the type of husband who takes care of alot of the household responsability, such as paying bills, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, cooking dinner, and everything associated with caring for our 2 kids.

Our usual sexual scenario is i stay awake till she gets home around 12:30 p.m. stay awake till she wants to go to bed, i usually rub her back, massage her legs, play with her hair, gently start light kissing and petting (all this is always neccessary to turn her on so to speak) and we gradually move forward into intercourse. However we do have sex toys, board games, the kama sutra books, and so on.

The massaging all the time is really starting to annoy me. because of my work on computer and pushing 30 and history of bad arthritis in my family it is becoming difficult for me( even typing this hurts a little). I am honestly starting to believe she simply is not attracted to me anymore, i was around 185 when we met now about 215 myself. I have talked to her about this and she says that not it. It is just she does not feel Horney for lack of a better word.

She has already talked to family doctor and gynecologist and according to their tests of her hormones, they say she should be raging to go!. I have tried setting the mood so to speak with candles and other things, i have ran her bath for her and bathed her, massaged her after and still got turned away. (yeah i was not happy that night).

So i am looking for a womens opinion on this. (men can help too.)

**LanaBear** · 03-21-2010 08:10 PM

Read through some threads, there is a lot of this going on? Not just wives, but husbands too.

Is she on the pill? She may just be exhausted or maybe have the 'mommy' syndrome... You know where mommy's are not supposed to be sexy or that we feel guilty if we don't give 100% of our attention to our kids.

The weight may very well be a factor as well. It's hard for us to deal with the changes in our body as our weight increases. But even the slightest thing can help her, going on walks, etc. It's amazing what just a little exercise can do for the way we look at ourselves.

**dyunysus** · 03-22-2010 06:33 AM

I appreciate the response and insight, i do understand about the kids and needing a break from that sometimes, however there is also probably a sense of guilt there too, because she works second shift and our oldest is at school during the day, and she works the night, so she regrets not spending alot of timer with her. So when she is home from work she tends to not want time away from the kids because she wants to spend as much time with our oldest child.

However i also notice that other women we know who are either seperated or divorced, who also had a problem with their sex drives while married, seem to have no problem when they start a new relationship, despite the fact that their lives are more hectic after the seperation. I am sure that is because their new relationship is just that new.

Perhaps her problem is the fact that maybe she is just bored with me? Maybe?

**WildChild** · 03-22-2010 07:03 AM

This often a sort of mental block based on what our expectations are about marriage, parenthood and sex. In our culture Mommies aren't sexy, marriage really isn't sexy either. Talk to her!!
How about a couple certificates for a professional massage? Or get someone in a couple times a month to do some cleaning so the two of you have more time?

**LanaBear** · 03-22-2010 08:46 AM

I don't know, I doubt it would be boredom, but maybe it is. What does she say when you talk to her about it? I put my hubby through this for 8-10 years, it wasn't boredom, just no drive whatsoever.

**veggodfather** · 03-22-2010 09:37 AM

Hi bro,
i can understant how frustrating you are feeling, and i will give my best advice to you " for our manhood, Cheerz!"
alright, here we go.
before i start... pls dont take my words personally... im onna be frank and straight forward

After eating bread and jam for 6 months for breakfast and one fine morning she cooks you some Thai or indian breakfast... is it ecxiting and become delicious even before eating ?
What i mean to say is that you need to change and find something new and exciting for her... you can play dirty with her...she's your wife, get toys, porns, etc.. (list of web given below )

lose weight dude, when you lose weight, yu dont only look attractive but you become more fot for sex... you will do it better than ever

is she bored or tensed with her ork or lifestyle... take her on vacation.. go to Thailand... its an exotic country, i know coz im thai :-)

believe me dude, ladies have more sexual desire than men... but they are need surrounding atmosphere to be good, if not perfet.

next is the most important thing.. get guides from professionals.. or buy some books and learn.. who knows, you might me lackng something vital..? (with due respect)

alright, im ending now but before that i'll find some good webs for yu to find ssome good stuffs... last but not the least.... Be happy dude, dont worry.. she loves yu and still has interest in you... girls are like that, sometimes you outta give the time :-)
wish u luck and hardcore sex soon Cheerz!!!

Books (best 5)

*Removed outbound links*

**dyunysus** · 03-24-2010 08:12 PM

Well, thank you all for your help. Just wanted to update you all with some more info. Me and my wife have been talking about the trouble in our sex life for quite awhile, and talked to her gynocologist, family doctor, hormone tests and everything else you can imagine, physically she is perfectly healthy for sex. A might bit overweight, but so am I (did not take offense to the comment about losing weight, never had huge muscles or a six pack of abs.) I can't go to the gym because me and her are on opposite schedules. And both sides of our family work full time jobs. Our house is not big enough to house gym equipment or weights for me to use.

I am sorry but it seems a little hypocritical that i only gained 40 lbs since we met at 15yr old and that was 13 yrs ago, she has gained twice that. Why should my losing weight matter? I perform just fine, considering we have had to stop having sex in the past because i took to long, and she was starting to get sore. (over 45min

)

Back to the main topic though, talking to her about it i find she is just as upset about it as i am if not more. She seems afraid that she might lose me. I believe that also hurts her drive to. I think i will be better off in the long run to just give her space and not push. No matter what, no matter the situation, I will always love her. thanks alot folks any other insight is appreciated.

**LanaBear** · 03-24-2010 08:47 PM

Veggodfather was banned for a reason, I wouldn't take too much of his post to heart.

It's good that you two have started to talk about it more and at least, now, you know that she feels the same way as you. Start talking about positive ways the two of you can progress. Start slow and try to convey to her that not all touching has to lead to sex. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the butt, etc., are all gestures of love. Personally, once I got past that, it helped me a lot. She's pretty self conscious now, help her slowly break out of that. Hopefully now that the both of you are a little more open and she's told you what she fears, your reassurance will be a nudge in the right direction.

Keep the lines of communication open and good luck! Keep us posted.

**Faerunner** · 03-26-2010 06:34 AM

Wow, it sounds like you're really trying all the right things here!

I can say from experience that sometimes you can just hit a downward spiral and sex is not gonna happen.

For me it was the hormone changes associated with birth control but for some people it's stress - and it sounds like your wife is feeling a lot of that right now. If she's not feeling up to sex, she is probably feeling very guilty about it and may not be able to articulate exactly why she can't perform. Guilt, of course, makes it even harder... and the next time she may not even want to try because she feels like if she sets you up and fails she'll really upset you!

About losing weight: You don't have to lose weight to be healthier and feel better, although you and your wife may both enjoy putting a few minutes into a home exercise system, especially if she's feeling guilty about her weight gain. You say your house is too small for weights, but you can still do resistance training using your own body weight, and incorporate smaller tools for working out. Run a search online and see what you can find.

Small barbells can be stored under the bed, and you can install a removable pull-up bar in a doorway (we have one that doubles as a push-up bar, with brackets at the top and bottom of one of the doorways - they are barely noticeable and the bar stays in the corner when not in use). An aerobic step can be pushed under an end-table or under the bed when not in use, an exercise ball can double as a chair (improves posture and core strength!). I've seen or used all of these methods as a college student with friends who also had small apartments.

I'm not saying that losing weight is the key to your wife's sex drive, but getting healthier is never a bad thing and even just the thought that both of you can work out at home might help. Physical activity is a stress-reliever, after all.

Since you say you don't want too much babysitting time, have you considered scheduling one just once a month, or every few months, and taking a night off? Do a night out on the town, let her get dressed up and take her to a movie, or to the park, or just drive to an overlook with a picnic basket and some wine. The daily grind can really wear people down, especially in a field like health care. She will certainly appreciate a date night, and it may become something to look forward to as a new form of intimacy even if there isn't sex afterward.

I think you're right to back off for a little while, but don't be distant. Be open with her as to why you're doing it - that you still love her and find her sexy but don't want to push her, and if you have to, be open about masturbation or other forms of sexual relief for yourself as well. Don't make yourself suffer. Also; since you seem to be getting tired of trying the massage, etc - talk to her about other forms of sexual intimacy when she's ready to invite you back to bed. You noted that you have plenty of tools and toys! Maybe it's time to break the routine, and pull out something new. In my experience, a little change-up never hurts. Ask her if she'll start something and follow her lead

Good luck, and best wishes for both of you!

**sunshiney** · 03-26-2010 08:15 AM

I really feel for you. My SO and I are going through somewhat of the same situation. But at least you're trying

that's always a good thing and she definitely will feel special and loved because of it. I know a lot of times stress, even if she doesn't feel stressed, can be a major libido killer.

I really hope you and her figure this out because I know how much this situation sucks