Thread: newley married, not interested in sex with hubby

Hi,

Not sure whether anyone has any advice to help me?

I have been married 1 year and am not interested in sex with my husband. We have not had sex in over 6 weeks, neither one of us has initiated it so it has just not happened. I don't think of him that way although I know I should (he is very attractive and treats me well), I do have sexual fantasties though. I dream of another man, he is the only one who turns me on and I have caught myself thinking of him when I have had sex with my husband. This man is unavailable and we were good friends before realising our feelings went deeper, we stopped the friendship.

I have never really had a high libido and have never orgasmed. I guess what I am asking is: what is wrong with me? Is it just me as I have never really been sexually satisfied, is it my relationship or my feelings for this other man? and any advice on how to help would be great.

Hi,

Please don't take offense - I sometimes just talk out of my rear ...

Personally, my take on marriage is it is literally until death do us part - unless cheating is involved and it cannot be worked out, or abuse in a way that cannot be changed. I consider dreaming or fantasizing about someone you know in a sexual manner to be a form of cheating - like 'they' say ... if you think it, it will happen - right? So that scares me and if I knew my husband was having sexual dreams about some gal he knows ... I would be right ticked. Almost as if he'd gone ahead and done it.

What is it about this other man that intrigues you? Are there similarities between him and your husband or are they polar opposites? Is it his attitude or his job, recreational activities, etc? Is there any way that you and your husband can incorporate that into your marriage? (I mean - say this other fellow is an avid biker, and your husband is more of a ... tv watcher - could you get him to go with you to a bike show and open him up to different things?)

I'm actually in the same boat as you - when it comes to the low libido and orgasm bit. Before we married - we were having sex several times a week, and now it is once a month. I just cannot be bothered. There are other things at play though - are you on a BCP? Those can lower your libido. You can talk to your doc about that. Do you have pain when you have sex? I do - so I stay away from it because aside from not becoming aroused (even though a helicopter-ing penis is soooooo sexy *sarcasm*), I have a lot of pain and it scares me. I don't like pain = I don't like sex. Oral stimulation helps me - however I still have flashbacks of rape and when that happens I cannot stand to have my husband near my 'nether regions'. I've found, even though I don't like to like it, that reading erotic novels or watching soft porn will turn me on. We've had sex 5 or 6 times in the last 4 or 5 weeks - that's like a record for us! In the past 5 years it has been quite slow. So maybe you need to find a different 'trigger' (e.g. NOT fantasizing about another man - what about fantasizing about a made up man or scenario?) Create your own erotic daydreams to get you going.

Of course, you may be right that it is just your relationship. Did you have a high sex drive before you were married? Did the feelings for this other man show up before or after you married? Aside from what I said above, there are always going to be extenuating circumstances particular to every couple and each person has their own thoughts and beliefs on the subject. Sometimes, especially when it is this early in the relationship and there are no kids, it is best (if the decision is carefully come to) to cut loose and start fresh.

Were you every physically attracted to your husband?

I'm no psychologist, but it appears to me that you may be letting this fantasy for another man interfere with your relationship with your husband. I think that most people have fantasies, but most of us are able to separate fantasy from reality. Let’s take reality first. You say you have an attractive husband that treats you well. I’m also going to assume that there was some love involved since you married him. Now fantasy. You have this unavailable friend that you have the hots for… Where can this possibly lead? What good will become of it? I’m not going to answer those questions, you need to do that. Count your blessings and work from there. Low libido may mean that you have a medical condition. Talk to your doctor about that. If everything medical checks out, work on that orgasm a bit. First with yourself. Find out what feels good to you (there are tons of websites about this. Google is your friend.). Then when you have it figured out talk to your husband about what you need. Men, particularly young men, are generally clueless as to what feels good to a woman. Y’gotta tell them! Try making your husband your fantasy and discovery of what pleasures you (together) your mission. Keep fantasy where it belongs and do the same for reality.

Hello, I did post a reply but not sure if it worked Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and give me your advice, I appreciate it.

The other person that I think about is very different from my husband in terms of personality, conversations i have with him and jokes we share fall flat with hubby. I played a lot of sport with the other person and when I tried this with hubby he either got really competitive or tried to grope me during so I am not sure whether there is anything I can take from my relationship with this other person and bring to my marriage.

I have always found my husband attractive, even now I understand he is a very handsome man however I just don't really want to touch him in that way. I still try to make myself, I think he can sense this though because our sex life has been not great. we both seem awkward and uncomfortable and we have spoken about this and will prob go an see a counsellor.

I understand that my fantasy and my reality are 2 completely different things, but i suppose it has made me question issues I have always overlooked, especially seeing as though we are coming to that stage in our relationship when babies are being mentioned and to be honest, the thought of bringing a baby into the world in our current relationship really scares me - I dont want to. If our sex life is struggling now I dont imagine it will get any easier after we have a baby.

Thank you for your help.