Thread: Is this the end?

Hello,

Some of you may have read some of my old post about the relationship with my wife and intimacy. I have tried many things and they have all been shot down. We have been getting a little better, but I continued to feel neglected and frustrated.

Once every 2 weeks, 1 of 2 positions, no touching(bra and shirt on), no kissing (only me on her neck), short foreplay(manuelly stimulating clit), and finished depended on me(from seconds to up to 20 min., couple times she had to finish with handjob because she was too tired, leg crampling).
The reason I know the ave. was only twice a week is that I keep track. And usually only on the weekends.

From one intercourse to the next, there was usually no playtime. In bed, I stayed on my side, if she sleep with me...(she would sleep with one of our kids). I was afraid to touch her. The only time I got to see her naked is when I was able to catch her coming out of the shower.
We did do more was kiss...before I left for work, she would be upset if I didn't give her her kisses, hug, and a little slap on the behind. She would kiss me when we returned...and usually when we went to bed. I would hug her as much as could...but she would say things like...you never hug me at the right time or would tighten up her body so I couldn't wrap my arms under hers, I would have to wrap around her.

Well, to make a long story longer, I have been trying, for the last 2 yrs, real hard to make us get better. I have done lots of research, I have asked different forums, like this one, about advice. I have read books. I have talked to doctors. And I have tried to present it to her in a way that would help us. You name it, I think I have tried it. About a year ago, I was given the advice to the make a final date...I did that...It was in early Februray. This last weekend we had a big talk. I basically exposed my soul and made our relationship up for questions. I told her my needs and what I was wanting and also told her, that I would never force her to do anything that she didn't want to do...BUT, that my needs where not even being closely met. Let her know that I needed more physical contact. That we could have fun together, for the rest of our life, if she wanted too. I love her very much, but I can't live my life like this anymore...I need her to meet me halfways. I also told her that I'm going to have to start taking care of my self...masterbating, porn, toys, things like that...It wouldn't take care of the part I'm looking for, but It may help with the frustration a little, I hope.

I never mentioned leaving or finding another partner...I can't do that now...I need to give us a chance still...

sorry for to much Info., You gals and guys have been great. Great theorpy for me.

What she did say is, if it was ok not to have sex this week so she can think about it. I maybe the end to my marriage, but you can't believe how much relief I felt after I told her.

I'm sorry if Im not clear, but my hands are getting tired.

again, thanks, Dog

PS, will always take good advice.

Hi greydog72!

I am not totally sure what to tell you, as I am not an expert (I can only speak from my experience). But, perhaps you already know the answer to your own question?

The loss of intimacy (and I mean mental intimacy; not just physical) in a relationship can be the down fall. Once lost, it is not necessarily easily regained, and especially when both parties will not participate. It sounds to me (and is obvious to you?) that you are doing all of the work in this relationship?

May I ask how old you are? Born in 1972? How long have you been married? How far into your relationship did this intimacy problem start?

You MUST get to the root of the problem!! Do you suppose your wife would be willing to do that? Have you tried counseling? To resolve this issue, you need to both: 1) identify that there is some sort of problem, 2) acknowledge whatever it is, 3) create a plan to deal with the problem, 4) execute the plan, 5) apply resolution, 6) put closure on this issue.

Now like I said, I am not a professional - this is just how I like to outline issues myself and work through them. Perhaps other people have other ideas?

Either way, ask yourself if she is meeting your standards? Does she make you happy? Do you see yourself leading the rest of your life in this manner? If not, DO SOMETHING NOW!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!!!

All the Best, R.R.

Thanks Rainbow,

Yes, I have asked for us to go to theorpy, along with tons of other suggestions, but all she saids is that we don't need it. Thank you for your problem resolution.

The end date advice was given to me by a doctor. Said that problems can't start to be solved unless both parties agree that they have a problem. If one is in denial, the whole can't work. An end date gives you a point in time that you can prove to yourself what you are trying and have tried. The time about the end date is that it doesn't end at that date....It just give you a time to confront your partner and help you by trying to show them what your are trying to do. You never disclose your date or when you do talk to them, you never bring it up...It's only for your information and gives you a kind of finish line to take the next step.

During our discussion, I never once said, YOU need to change. I only brought up my needs....I told that I could have sexual contact 3 to 4 times a week, but what was more important is the contact between sex.
I'm looking for a soulmate, and a soulmate, in my mind, should seldom have to ask...they should know and find the best time to help the needs of their mate. Without asking. And yes, It runs both ways...I should know the times what they don't want to be touched...But when you have a 24/7 no touch sign on...well, I hope you get that answer. I think she finally did get the message, I love her very much....I want to be with only her for the rest of my life....But I NEED INTIMACY.

I'm in my late 40s...and we have been married 20 yrs.

Yes, I think it started long ago...her excuses back then were the kids, work, and anything that would keep me away. I have never strayed and never will....If I do find another partner, we will no longer be married. I don't look at porn and try to keep the self stimulation to the minimal. Does she make me happy? yes and no...I still dream about her...when I masterbate, I'm picturing her in my mind. My dream has always to get married with the one girl and grow old together and continue to love each other....I just don't want the brother/sister relationship with my wife. Am I ready to start over.....YES. I hit my date, I said my peace. I can do no more. Do I want it to be over... NO but it is no longer up to me. Either she is going to try some of the suggestions now or I will go.
One thing she did say to me is, "Sounds to me like I need to let you go." in a tone that you would let a baby bird fly away and not keep them cage.

thanks again Rainbow....I am doing something now...thanks, Dog

Greydog, I hate to hear of anyone ending their marriage, but I ended my 20-year marriage due to similar reasons you have stated and I'm here to tell you that your life *can* be so wonderfully intimate and passionate once you find your true life and love partner.

Starting over with love at the age of 49 has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I feel alive again in all ways, sexually and emotionally.

I hope you can find that happiness, too. You sound like a good person and I hope you find someone who will love, adore and cherish you.