GF masterbates when I'm sleeping

**Youngman1** · 03-22-2010 01:17 PM

This is a long detailed account, and I apologize. But I hope you will be able to help me. It involves several times I have witnessed my girlfriend masturbating in bed while she thinks I'm asleep.

I've been in a relationship for four years and recently our sex life has been awful because neither of us has our own room (we graduated college but share rooms with roommates). For a week, I was stressed and didn't feel like having sex, and so when she wanted to I couldn't get an erection. Her roommates asked me not be at the apartment so much so once we had a room to ourselves, I got so drunk just because I hate going there and dealing with them that I was just no use to her.

(edit)

. When she got up for her flight I brought her there at five in the morning. She acted like she had no idea why I was so mad. Finally I said, “Were you playing with yourself last night? I saw you.”

And this is what she said, “You say me playing with myself? No. Maybe I was doing it in my sleep. Did you actually see me? I wouldn’t do that. I would have to be asleep?”

I’m sure someone can masturbate while sleeping.

But if you knew my gf and this were true her response to would have been “What? You what? Are you crazy?” Just the fact that she was so calm, so practical, tells me she is lying. She won’t ever admit to doing it, ever.

Is my anger and frustration justified? I understand that she would be embarrassed, but if I lied to her about anything she would never forgive me. If I said I was going down the street for a soda and really went to get a beer, she would find this grounds to get in a massive fight, to reconsider everything she's ever known about me and our relationship--do you get me? And this is the first time I have ever saen her lie. It was awful and I’m scared, can’t help this terrible feeling. And so what am I suppose to do? She’s in a different country right now and has made not attempt to contact me past yesterday morning before her flight took off.

So I’m getting more angry. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry she was masturbating, I don’t think it’s wrong. I’m mad that she could do this next to me, that she would lie about it. I have no idea what to do.

**Mes T** · 03-22-2010 04:36 PM

She most likely lied because she felt embarrassed about it OR didn't want you to feel hurt/get the wrong idea.

But I can see how discovering your partner's first lie can be pretty hurtful.

As for her not getting a chance to contact you, maybe she hasn't had the chance to get a phone yet or get access to the internet? I'd give her another day to settle in and then see what happens. Try not to over-analyze for the time being.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 03-22-2010 04:57 PM

Yep, women are pretty hypocritical...

**Stina** · 03-22-2010 05:00 PM

Neither of you have your own room and you happened to be stressed that night, right? Perhaps she still just needed to get off, and lied about it because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Sometimes girls need a release just as much as guys do.

Maybe she didn't know that you didn't really mind that she did it and just felt embarrassed and put on the spot when you asked. Do you guys communicate a lot about your sex life or masturbation?

However, if she's the type of person that when asked if she masturbated would be expected to respond with something like "What? Are you crazy?!" as you had said, then maybe she doesn't quite feel comfortable with talking about masturbation or even with the idea of doing it. The fact that she said she'd "have to be asleep" to do something like that kind of gives that away too. Does she seem comfortable with the idea of sex in general? Does she seem to hold back in other areas?

**Youngman1** · 03-22-2010 06:06 PM

Thanks responding everyone. They edited my original post so I want to add one thing. I've found her masturbating three times. Right next to me. The first time I tried to leave her place, she said, "I'm hurt you would leave? Why would you just leave? There has to be a reason." And we got into a bland conversation about our relationship. The second time, I woke up and we had sex, but I did not acknowledge I had witnessed her playing with herself. Now, the third time was just the other day. Her roommate was away and her friends were visiting and one slept in the room. The one in the room came in drunk and masturbated. I was awake and my gf was probably awake too. So this was tramatizing, having to be next to a friend of my girl friend who is masturbating. Having to pretend to be asleep, having to be ashamed to be in a bed and yet not be able to leave because you don't want to make it seem like you know. And then it was extra embarasing to find my gf doing it after her friend. Can you imagine having to stay up through all this?

I'm very very confused. Not about sex stuff, about why would a woman masturbate, why would she need to if I was right there? I'm not an idiot. I'm also not a seventh grade boy who talks about big and dreams of seeing a woman masturbate. Any sense of arousal I may feel from this thing is automatically trumped by a deep sense of being deceived. Being lied to about it. I'm very confused because I would never do this to her. To masturbate in front of her, if she asked, yes. But to do it two inches from her in bed while she sleeps? Never, so why would she do this to me? So yes, she probably is embarrassed, and should be, not because she was doing this, but because she lied? No?

**Mes T** · 03-22-2010 06:08 PM

I don't think it should be a big deal that she masturbated in secret while she thought you were sleeping... Lying about it, okay, that probably wasn't a good idea. But the act itself... she probably just needed some release, bro, and you were asleep, so...?

**Youngman1** · 03-22-2010 06:09 PM

Thanks for your advice. You're probably right. I'm still rather hurt though. Do women do this often? It's one thing for a wife who doesn't have a room of her own? But couldn't this sort of thing wait until I'm not around, or in another room? Do you see what I mean?

**Mes T** · 03-22-2010 06:14 PM

I see what you mean, certainly if my boyfriend wanted to masturbate without including me he should do it when I'm not around. But she did THINK you were sleeping and hence "not around" in that sense.

If you're really hurt by it, you have a right to be. And it'd be a good idea to talk to HER about it when you get the chance, though that might need some prior planning.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-22-2010 06:19 PM

I can see how that would make you feel bad. Some guys might find it erotic while other guys might find it all out insulting.

Just like some women, especially if their guy didn't want to have sex with them... woke up to find him masturbating on the bed next to him, heck, even in the other room to a porno... she might take offense to the sneaky nature of it all.

First the denial of service when the person obviously had a desire and two you laying next to them while they all but rub in your face that they had that desire but didn't want to share it with you.

Lying when it comes to masturbation is really not that unusual. Its embarassing for some people to discuss (male or female) most people do it, and most people know most people do it... but its still something many that actually do it refuse to admit to.

Have you tried making yourself available to her when you sense she is doing that? It sounded like you kind of did once, and that she had sex with you if I read that right.

Maybe its a fantasy of hers that she is filling , kind of like some mild exhibitionism to masturbate with the possibility of being caught etc.

It will be hard for you to ever know if she can't open up to you about it. And if you react negetively to the act in general she may keep denying and you can keep finding yourself the odd man out in the bed.

How is your relationship outside of this? Are you guys open with each other? Do you think you are both happy with the amount of sex you are currently having?

**Youngman1** · 03-22-2010 06:21 PM

First of all, are you married? I can only imagine this being from someone who is married and had to get used to all the . I'm not. And secondly, to do something like this when someone is sleeping is, by it's nature, deceptive. If she had went for a thing of OJ while I was asleep, I would not be angry. But she is doing something that she would not do when I was around or awake. Do masturbate is not wrong, but since it is not something she does while I'm awake, then to wait until I'm asleep to do it, is wrong, because she is waiting until. Frankly, if it is not something you talk about, if masturbation is not part of your vocabulary as a couple, you may say, "oh, well, something is wrong." Fine, but since it's not part of ours, it becomes, by necessity, either a passive act to get me to know (which is doubtful) or a deceptive act (and very stupid one in a twin bed).