Left him for a week and now he skips sex

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-25-2010 12:33 PM

You know... I think for a lot of guys they do think they have a low sex drive despite masturbating almost daily. I think some of them see masturbation as just a bodily function , like their morning shower and don't put 2 and 2 together that maybe... just maybe ... they'd have a higher drive for sex if they didn't already empty their testicles.

He can say they re-generate every few hours all he wants but if he doesn't put that re-generation into actual sex then the fact he technically CAN perform after masturbating is a moot point.

Besides, Why should you have to be the one to put in all the effort to get him excited for a round 2 that he may or may not be up to. Thats the part that hurts.

Its like he uses that carefree, ready to go boner on himself or whatever mean while you have to do backflips to get him interested and it just isn't fair. Rest assured that if he hadn't masturbated... it wouldn't matter how tired or stressed he'd find the energy to be intimate with you. His body would crave you.

Its like spoiling your dinner, especially for a guy that really only has a need/desire to do it once or less in a day.

For guys that can masturbate 10 times a day and still want their girlfriend/wife too.. hey, i suggest a hobby or something but... more power to you if you have the time and the energy.

Its not you wanting to take his toy from him. Its you wanting him to share it. Its not unreasonable.

**Stina** · 03-25-2010 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

On the same phone call he tells me that I shouldn't expect any sex 3 days later.

lsadjflaksjdflkasdjfkls !!!!! So, at this point, he has pretty much planned what you're going to do in your spare time socially and now is plotting when he's decided he's going to give you sex?

Originally Posted by stressed

He gets tired by giving oral (out of breath) so I don't ask for it. It doesn't happen more than twice a year even if he gets his OFTEN. I'm not demanding and don't put him down. When he's had ED problems in the beginning I was there for him. I'd go for quiet walks with him after a failed sex effort and then spend the rest of the night holding him and reassuring him that I love him anyway. That I wouldn't cheat on him because of sex.

One time, very long ago, he got so extremely mad at himself over losing an erection during sex that it made me cry, because I didn't want him to feel bad because of sex, or me, or his problems. I didn't want him to feel any less of a man because I wanted sex. So I stopped asking for it for a long time. I let him watch porn, I gave him time, I stopped initiating and I still don't force him into anything.

But 2 years down the road with him suggesting marriage often, I do have to start looking at my needs too. I have done anything you can possibly imagine to help him, either physically or emotionally. The past few months I've managed to make him more open about HIS fantasies, not mine, so he would feel more comfortable about being more sexual with me. Even if his fantasies don't include me in an interactive way. He still hasn't asked once if there's something I'd like to do. Maybe because he's afraid he won't be able to do it. But I can't help anymore. I can't suggest even more ideas to make HIS sex life better. I'm drained. I don't love him any less for that and I am not considering leaving him at all, but I am drained. This is why I come here, to just vent and get ideas. To help myself deal with it. To see how many others, either men or women, deal with the same issue. It's my only consolation.

There are only so many sacrifices YOU can make before you need to really turn the spotlight on him. In my opinion, you are doing everything you need to be doing as a supportive girlfriend.. and then some! A happy relationship isn't one sided and it seems like he's holding back on a lot. "Tired" is an excuse, NOT a reason.

What was his upbringing like? Did he have bad sexual experiences in the past? With exes? Maybe sexual abuse? Did a past flame over criticize his abilities? How is his confidence level in situations outside of the bedroom?

You're putting yourself out there on so many levels, as a supportive girlfriend and an understanding and patient sexual partner. There's something, on his part, that's preventing him from realizing this or, perhaps, allowing him to ignore it.

Are you willing to share some details of what sex is like when you do have it? Who initiates and sets the pace? Does he focus solely on you for at least some portion of it? Or is it one-two-done?

**Greydog72** · 03-26-2010 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

I'm drained. I don't love him any less for that and I am not considering leaving him at all, but I am drained. This is why I come here, to just vent and get ideas. To help myself deal with it. To see how many others, either men or women, deal with the same issue. It's my only consolation.

Thank you...

me too

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Besides, Why should you have to be the one to put in all the effort to get him excited for a round 2 that he may or may not be up to. Thats the part that hurts.

Its not you wanting to take his toy from him. Its you wanting him to share it. Its not unreasonable.

Exactly. It's like I get the leftovers and he's totally physically satisfied, while I have to beg for it and be happy with half an effort. And I don't want him to stop masturbate for me, it sounds like a silly think to ask of someone, I just want to share his energy for activity with me. If not always at least more than once a week, since he does have this energy. But when he tells me "I can be ready for it 20mins later" and that "he's slowly improving" I can't tell him "you don't know what you're talking about", I would sound insane. I'm really stuck here. I love him more than I've ever loved him before and I don't want anyone else. I just wish we'd sort this out.

Originally Posted by Stina

lsadjflaksjdflkasdjfkls !!!!! So, at this point, he has pretty much planned what you're going to do in your spare time socially and now is plotting when he's decided he's going to give you sex?

At that point he had probably already masturbated at least twice, felt content, and started planning his following week when work would start and assumed he'd be too tired for anything (not too tired to ask for something though).

The funny thing is, that when we sat down a day after to talk about it in a good mood, he said that if I hadn't ruined it by becoming upset after finding out he masturbated then he might have done something as you never know what happens, he was in the mood for it etc..... So... I was the one to blame for no sex in the end...

Originally Posted by Stina

"Tired" is an excuse, NOT a reason.

I told him that, he agreed that it's not tiredness but a mental thing and guess what... we're back to "I'm tired, can I do it tomorrow?" again. Seriously, it doesn't make sense. I give up!!

Originally Posted by Stina

What was his upbringing like? Did he have bad sexual experiences in the past? With exes? Maybe sexual abuse? Did a past flame over criticize his abilities? How is his confidence level in situations outside of the bedroom?

He's had one ex and according to him they had an awesome sex life, except in the last 2-3 years when they were distant due to emotional and other issues so it became less frequent. I've seen sex photos of them and they seemed to have a pretty good sex life... he did things he hardly or never does to me. Yet I don't dare ask him if his ex complained about his performance (never ask questions if you can't take both yes/no for an answer), but I do know she cheated on him in the end.

Now, he's often told me that he may never have been a good lover anyway, which does make me doubt how good they had it in bed. As for outside the bedroom, he's not the most confident man either. He often says "I'm not good at this", "you're better at it" and basically only brags about knowledge issues and theoretical matters because he's older than me.

At the end of the day, I get the feeling he needs an expert to talk to about everything that has happened in his life. His ex was the reason why he has this awful job he has today, because they had relationship problems. He didn't finish his studies because of her and they had a miscarriage. He is unlucky and doesn't have bad intentions. But his low confidence level in a number of matters affect me as well. He's never going to go to an expert though as he doesn't fully believe there's something wrong with him.

Originally Posted by Stina

Are you willing to share some details of what sex is like when you do have it? Who initiates and sets the pace? Does he focus solely on you for at least some portion of it? Or is it one-two-done?

Before we have it he tells me about a day before "tomorrow you're going to get some sex", or, "tomorrow we can have some fun", or "this weekend". It's rarely spontaneous and those rare times it is he initiates it. I don't dare to anymore, been turned down too many times already.

Jumping on him or starting something only leads to him getting oral or using his hand. As if he's too excited to think that I may be turned on as well or thinks I can handle it. 1 out of 3 times I ask if he'd like this to turn into sex, which he doesn't say no to, but it feels like an effort I have to make and I'm not always sure it's what he wants. Needless to say he doesn't take care of me when he's done if I'm not. He's said he's like that because "when men have an orgasm they have no energy/intentions for anything sexual afterwards, they just relax"...

And... when we do get to the "tomorrow" sex, it's always him suggesting we go to bed at the end of the day, he asks for foreplay, gets on top and that's about it. If I ask for foreplay it's either too short (1-2 minutes tops), or he seems confused as to what to do (he's admitted that he's not always sure what to do or what I like). Foreplay for me was unheard of until I brought it up recently after a cut I got during sex. As for positions, it's been the same for nearly 2 years now, unless he feels "risky" and we try something else for a few minutes. He's worried that changing position will affect his erection and has admitted that when he does lose his erection those times is because he starts to think "what if I lose it, I have to hurry now that it works, I'm not sure if she even likes what I'm doing, what if this and what if that".

What I think, even though I'm not sure: I do believe he likes giving foreplay and touching me, he does enjoy it WHEN he does it. He doesn't do it often due to insecurities and he's often said he believes my ex'es were better than him (which is true, even if I tried to make him understand that it does not matter how I had it with my ex'es or that it's him I want whatever he does. And I can't lie and say "no, you're better than my ex'es, because he knows that what he does is not enough without me saying it. To lie would be hypocritical of me). I've told him the problem is not that he's bad when he does something, but that he doesn't do it enough. All that matters to him is to make it perfect for me every time but for some reason or another he doesn't have the energy or he's not in the perfect state to give me that, so he gives me half, hoping he'll improve.

Like, only this weekend, we couldn't have sex (it's those days of the month which he doesn't want to have sex during) but he got what he wanted 3 times. On the day he got it twice, I asked him if he could just rub my back for a while, not to make it fair but because I needed it and it would be nice. He said ok, when we go to bed, but let's eat something before bed. We eat, watch a film, he gets sleepy, we go to bed, he looks dead tired but kind of kisses my back for 2 minutes and says "I'm tired, but I can't say 'tomorrow' all the time... but I AM tired" (only that is enough to ruin one's mood). So he says he'll do it again tomorrow when he's less tired. He doesn't do it "tomorrow" either, he gets one more of his wishes (even nags that he didn't get it earlier) and now, as we speak, I'm on hold for yet another "tomorrow" (wanna bet on what will happen?) and I'm not even talking about sex! He can't say "sex takes so much energy" because I didn't even ask for it and we couldn't have it anyway this weekend. Unless caressing is included in the "demanding" category too.

I'm very confused here, even if he has explained his reasons.

... and there goes our neighbor screaming yet again while having sex as I type... It makes you wonder where her guy finds all this energy to make her scream...

**WildChild** · 03-28-2010 04:05 PM

This all sounds entirely too familar. Been there, still there with much of it

Originally Posted by stressed

Jumping on him or starting something only leads to him getting oral or using his hand. As if he's too excited to think that I may be turned on as well or thinks I can handle it. 1 out of 3 times I ask if he'd like this to turn into sex, which he doesn't say no to, but it feels like an effort I have to make and I'm not always sure it's what he wants. Needless to say he doesn't take care of me when he's done if I'm not. He's said he's like that because "when men have an orgasm they have no energy/intentions for anything sexual afterwards, they just relax"...
.

Increasingly I'm thinking it's a passive aggressive thing.

**rhiannon34** · 03-28-2010 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

This all sounds entirely too familar. Been there, still there with much of it

Increasingly I'm thinking it's a passive aggressive thing.

This was my thought as well after reading most of these posts. I am also wondering if he wouldn't want it more, if you just acted like you didn't. Some men just aren't into sexually aggressive women. Mabye you could act like you are uninterested, and see if he didn't take the reigns.

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 06:42 PM

I've been passive for the most of 2009 and 2010. I've been so passive that even I don't think of sex as much anymore. Before it was very easy to come up with sexual images. Now I have to struggle to come up with any. I shut down sex in my brain both because I know I can't initiate it and because it won't be anything like I want it to be. And I'm not happy about it.

It does work better when I show no interest, but when I show no interest it's because I do not have any, I don't fake it. I've noticed it before though and it had me puzzled.

Plus, when I show no interest he mostly asks for sexual favours rather than initiate sex. What works best is when I'm disappointed in not having sex that night, I keep myself busy with something and then he's suddenly all up for it. But that makes me feel as if I get pity sex more than anything else, even if he claims it's nothing like that.

I don't know, girls, I'll try to be even more passive for a couple of weeks. It might have a result. But it's just not "rolling", you know, it's been 2 years now.

**jns** · 03-28-2010 06:57 PM

Maybe clever double-entendres or clever sex based comments used to tease him will get him ready to go without him even knowing that you are at least partially in control. Always have a plausible story for the comment as to the non-sex based explanation. This will excite the sex portion of his brain, but will confuse the logic portion of his brain. I would think in this case that he would think he is the one initiating sex, but after subtle encouragement by you.

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Maybe clever double-entendres or clever sex based comments used to tease him will get him ready to go without him even knowing that you are at least partially in control. Always have a plausible story for the comment as to the non-sex based explanation. This will excite the sex portion of his brain, but will confuse the logic portion of his brain. I would think in this case that he would think he is the one initiating sex, but after subtle encouragement by you.

This is very clever indeed, yet when I do that he either jokes and says I only think about sex (= not good for him), or he doesn't pick up on it at all and continues doing whatever it was he was doing (= not good for me).

But I'll keep that in mind for sure, maybe I can improve it.
Thanks!

**Texasred** · 03-28-2010 09:51 PM

Stressed;
I have to tell you, this whole long story begins to make me think this guy is going to be much more trouble for you than he's worth.
He's too out of breath to have sex, but he smokes? He's too tired for sex, but not too tired to masturbate?
Maybe the truth is that he's just too self-centered to have a relationship with a real live human being.
If being out of breath concerned him, he'd quit smoking and take up an aerobic exercise. If being tired all the time concerned him, he'd work out and get himself to where he could handle his job without it exhausting him daily. The fact that he has not done so speaks volumes.

Best of luck to you; you're going to need it.
- TR