Thread: Caught my husband masturbating and am hurt???

Ok let me start by saying I am not against this. When we were first dating we would watch porn together and lots of other stuff. I am very sexual and he used to be too. Recently my mother moved in because of her health. It has been very stressful because she can be less than pleasant sometimes. He also got a promotion at work so has been very tired. Ok with all that background let me say he has not touched me in about a month and a half. We used to have sex daily. After our 2 yr old was born it slowed to maybe every other day but recently nothing. I went to stores and bought sexy outfits and toys and everything but he just goes to sleep. So today his brother was over and I reminded him it was time for work so he needed to go shower. He was in there and I got the idea to go pleasure him before work thinking maybe that would prime him enough to be in the mood later. I go in and he has his laptop on watching a porn video while he masturbates in the shower. i stood there hurt because just last night he had said he just was tired and not really into sex right now. When I caught him I started crying and walked away. I went to do laundry and his brother wanted to know what was wrong but I didnt want to humiliate my husband so I said I was just stressing. Then he comes running out trying to explain and blurts all our business out in front of his brother and my mom and 2 yr old. So I cry more because now everyone knows my husband would rather please himself than have me do it. He says that the last time we had sex I kept telling him to quiet down cuz I didnt want my mom to hear and I did not have a orgasm so he felt like a failure. Then after when he asked if I had enjoyed it I had said no. Which is true but usually we are very open so i didnt think it was a big deal. Well he says he felt like a failure so he had got all these books and stuff on things to try and one said to masturbate cuz it builds stamina. I just dont get why no touching for more than a month. I feel like Im not good enough for him anymore and if he was so worried about not pleasing me he would have tried something with me involved also why make such a big deal out of me not enjoying it once when we've been having great sex for 6 yrs. Am I over reacting. I feel like he is not attracted to me. Needless to say his brother left in a hurry my mom screamed at him for humiliating me and then told me I should divorce him because it will lead to him cheating. She has been burned before so she can be over critical of men but I dont know if she is being over critical or if she is right.:

Hey Dreamer, welcome to the forum. Let me start by saying that I am a guy so this may not be the viewpoint you are specifically looking for but perhaps it will be helpful

There is a lot going on here. I will admit, when i first read the topic to the thread, i was quick to want to jump to your side and tell you that this is in no way your fault. Now that i have heard the full story, i think there is a little more to it. I can see why, after not being sexually active with your husband for over a month, that catching him masturbating would be a pretty upsetting ordeal. However, there is a small part i can understand why he is doing what he is doing. He straight up told you himself that he feels like a failure to you sexually. That he can't satisfy you. I don't know the guy, but it sounds like a reasonable understanding on his part that he has read that if he masturbates, he will be able to last longer and hopefully please you like he wants to. Please don't get me wrong. I think you being hurt is completely justified. However, i think you BOTH have equal parts to play in what has led to the breakdown of your sex life, ultimately driving him to masturbate. It sounds like you both really need to sit down and discuss everything that has led up to this event. Most of all you need to help him feel like he isn't a failure in bed. I know you want to be honest but hopefully you can find a more tactful way of letting him know you werent as happy with your sex as you would like in the future. When i put myself into his position. I try to imagine myself making love to my wife, and during the whole process her telling me to be quiet and to hold it down. Then afterwards her telling me she didn't enjoy it..boy i would feel pretty low. Like i said previously, it sounds like you both really need to open up a discussion about all of this and talk it through in a loving, supportive, and encouraging manner. Get him excited and enticed to rejoin you under the sheets! Be a team in this. Make a deal that together you guys are going to re-ignite and re-unite in bed.

Hey sweets. I wanna start off by saying that whenever someone's parent is in your home, it is not a good sex mode setting. You feel the need to be quiet and while your having sex you're either wondering the entire time or expressing to one another, "I sure hope my momma can't hear us panting like wet dogs!" ...Kinda a turnoff. And having the little two year old footprints running around makes the setting a little more difficult as well. I will be honest, having children will slow down the sex train but don't take that as a bad thing. You have to understand that at first it was just you and him, free to do whatever your body wanted, when you wanted. But now the question I always ask my husband..."Are the kids asleep yet?" Because we don't need them wandering around mid-night looking for a glass of water and find mommy hanging off the coat rack! lol
In the end it seems like he is hurt and his feelings need to be reassured about your sexual activity and point out why it wasn't enjoyable at the time because of the circumstances that you are in. I'm sure you two will work things out, there is just some misunderstanding that you need to discuss. Good luck sister
P.S. Put the baby to bed early, tell your mom to go to her room and tell that man how you feel...lol Hope you feel better

My wife and I had sex three or four times a week (at least) for a couple of years before we got married. I still masturbated a couple of times on top of that and I'm sure she did too. When we got married, I had this very childish perception that after you are married, you can have sex anytime you want, so you never need to masturbate. For at least six months I held on to that, even though our sex dropped to once a week. Because of that change, I develped premature ejaculation. After doing some reading and reflecting, I put 2 and 2 together, and started masturbating regularly and the PE cleared up and our sex relationship got better and better. Granted, she walked in on me a couple of times, but I also have walked in on her a few times. The problem is not the masturbating that either of you do, it is privacy and communication. He sounds pretty insecure but really, really wants you to be happy and satisfied. Get away from the zoo you are living in and really talk, then get a room and screw each other's brains out.

Wow, this sounds rough. Ditto the other posters. This is a combined problem and I've run into it myself, especially as my libido dropped while I was on the Pill. My man openly masturbates though so I have had chances to approach him about it, and I've found ways around telling him the sex wasn't as enjoyable as I hoped. My favorite line is "it's not that you didn't please me enough, it's that you got me TOO worked up!". I'm sure he still knows exactly why I go for the vibrator but it's enough to also let him know that while I may not have had an orgasm I still appreciate him for trying to please me, and that I don't want him to take it as an insult that I am going to meet my own needs. You can't please everyone all the time; in or out of the bedroom! He knows that if he doesn't have his needs met he can ask me to help out or do it himself as well. This is an arrangement that works for us; you and your hubby can decide differently. It does sound like you and your husband are having trouble getting to that openness though, and that you need to talk it over some.

I think getting everyone out of the house for a while would be great. Tell your mother-in-law to take your son to the park for a day! Lock the doors to everyone except you and him, and then sit down and talk. Let him know you appreciate his efforts to improve your sex life - because it does sound like there was a misunderstanding there, and although I'd be hurt too if my guy decided not to touch me for a month while he tried to "improve his stamina", I think your husband's heart was in the right place. Also let him know that from now on he should be more open about it - because if he can teach you the techniques for keeping him going longer, he won't have to fly solo and you can both enjoy the "practice"!

Your mother-in-law is a problem, of course, and if she's causing you worry your sex just won't be as good. How prudish is she? Clearly, she knows what's going on at this point and she understands that you two have had enough sex to produce a kid! Do you think she can live with quiet moaning and thumping a few times a week? If not, can you get her involved in something (knitting group, book club, bar hopping?) that will encourage her to get out of the house once a week and leave you to it? Find an agreement that you and your hubby can live with, so that you don't have to worry constantly when you're in bed. You can't go around whispering and trying not to make the bed shake just because you're feeling guilty about sex in the same house as your mother-in-law. It's not healthy, and it can cause problems in your relationship with her, too!

Good luck with everything - I hope this works out okay!

If you had great sex for 6 years I would tend to believe him. If your mother has moved in and you are telling him to be quiet and you are all tense and not enjoying sex... then he probably wonders whats up and what the deal is. Ok yeah he blurted it all out in front of them - oh well... they are family and if family can accept your who can right I'd let that go and he could have blurted it out thinking you'd already said something.

My suggestion if you have family that can help look after your mother - aunt, sister, brother then by all means have them take her for a weekend visit. Have these ppl go to your house for a night or weekend so you two can get away and enjoy each other. Contact the red cross if your mothers health is that bad or some type of service - they usually have some time of relief care that will come in for a couple of hours and watch your mother so you can even get away for a couple of hours and enjoy each other.

Make sure to let your man know that he does satisfy you and you do love him - that you wanna enjoy every inch of his body that you miss that intimacy then he will know he is not a failure.

I just wanted to hop on and thank everybody for the advice. There was some great points. I ended up kicking everybody out for the day and we had a long talk and have figured out a plan. We moved bedrooms around. We gave up the big room to move to the only bedroom downstairs. That way everybody else is upstairs so we can be more alone. I really did appreciate the posts though because once I read them I looked at the situation different and was able to work up a plan.

Sounds like a great plan, and a great sign that you're both willing to talk things out, compromise and make changes to make things better. Love it. Hope it's a happy ending.

Originally Posted by Dreamer21

Ok let me start by saying I am not against this. When we were first dating we would watch porn together and lots of other stuff. I am very sexual and he used to be too. Recently my mother moved in because of her health. It has been very stressful because she can be less than pleasant sometimes. He also got a promotion at work so has been very tired. Ok with all that background let me say he has not touched me in about a month and a half. We used to have sex daily. After our 2 yr old was born it slowed to maybe every other day but recently nothing. I went to stores and bought sexy outfits and toys and everything but he just goes to sleep. So today his brother was over and I reminded him it was time for work so he needed to go shower. He was in there and I got the idea to go pleasure him before work thinking maybe that would prime him enough to be in the mood later. I go in and he has his laptop on watching a porn video while he masturbates in the shower. i stood there hurt because just last night he had said he just was tired and not really into sex right now. When I caught him I started crying and walked away. I went to do laundry and his brother wanted to know what was wrong but I didnt want to humiliate my husband so I said I was just stressing. Then he comes running out trying to explain and blurts all our business out in front of his brother and my mom and 2 yr old. So I cry more because now everyone knows my husband would rather please himself than have me do it. He says that the last time we had sex I kept telling him to quiet down cuz I didnt want my mom to hear and I did not have a orgasm so he felt like a failure. Then after when he asked if I had enjoyed it I had said no. Which is true but usually we are very open so i didnt think it was a big deal. Well he says he felt like a failure so he had got all these books and stuff on things to try and one said to masturbate cuz it builds stamina. I just dont get why no touching for more than a month. I feel like Im not good enough for him anymore and if he was so worried about not pleasing me he would have tried something with me involved also why make such a big deal out of me not enjoying it once when we've been having great sex for 6 yrs. Am I over reacting. I feel like he is not attracted to me. Needless to say his brother left in a hurry my mom screamed at him for humiliating me and then told me I should divorce him because it will lead to him cheating. She has been burned before so she can be over critical of men but I dont know if she is being over critical or if she is right.:

I also caught my husband doing that and you shouldnt worry about him cheating on you if you love him and trust him. I go though the same thing sometimes with my husband cause he works alot and sometimes we dont have a sex for awhile. Also dont feel so insercure about yourself cause to me that makes it worse. i hope everything works out.

I am a newbie in here, i like this site thats why i registered in here...anyway, i have this problem also i always felt that he does it all the time because when after i feed my baby then get back to the living room, he suddenly make things like closing or make clicking exits from his computer open windows (we have separate laptops) or suddenly crambling around with couch pillows but then several occasions are like that i just ignored it coz its fine if he is playing with himself but until this moment i actually caught him, seeing his P**** coming out then the the Tv was on with porn on it... i just cant figure it out how to react, i just knew that i am hurt coz me myself i am trying to be always ready when he needs such thing but he couldnt get it..me myself i considered i am sexually frustrated coz he never initiates, he never asks if we can spend time to make things fun though he did few from the fast 2mos. He is not like this before i got pregnant. We have issues when i was preggo he has no desire of having sex preggo woman but those moments are resolved, we had found solution to that 1yr more no sex at all not until this moment again comesback...we talked about it but i dont know... i tried to play with him time to time just to give him idea that i wore this lingeries as per what she wants me to make him desire me but still it didnt work...so i stopped doing it instead i wore pajamas and closed shirts to get me better atleast i wont expect that theres sex happen any moment because am not on a lingerie.