Boyfriend has decided he 'doesn't like sex anymore'

**sourpuss** · 03-24-2010 07:09 AM

What? Seriously?

What to do? Everything else in our relationship is great. Shared interests, we love each other's company, have tons of fun together. We're very close and comfortable. Spend lots of time together, etc etc.
We've always had different drives, and I'm sort-of ok with that. I can live with it at least. But he never initiates sex, it's always me. Lately (the last couple of months) I can tell he's just not into it.

He hasn't been working and he injured his shoulder at work. So I understand that he's under a ton of stress and beginning to get depressed from not working or having any money. I get that for sure.

But he outright said that he's just not into sex. According to him, sex in his past has always been unhealthy. So he wants to have a relationship....but no sex with me. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's pretty hard not to. I don't excite him, he says he's attracted to me and that he loves me, and I believe him. He wouldn't spend all his time with me if he didn't want to be around me. But nothing? Ugh. It's like we're just good buddies now. But I don't spend every waking moment with any of my other friends. They don't sleep in my bed every night.

I don't want to give up what we have over sex, but I don't want to continue this way. At this point, I'm not interested in dating or meeting someone new. I'm truly head over heels for him so I don't want to just walk away. But I'm at a loss.

Do I just accept it for now and see what happens? I can do this for a few months, but certainly not forever.

**stressed** · 03-24-2010 07:16 AM

Can't he at least explain to you why he's not interested in sex? How could sex have been "unhealthy" for him in the past? He must elaborate on this, that's not a reason. He has to understand that he may not want sex, but you do and you can't go on like this forever no matter how much you love him. It just doesn't happen like that. Having a boyfriend without the sex is like being with your best friend. Sex is one of the few things you're supposed to be doing only with the one you're in a relationship with and he can't say "no" to that so easily. Now THAT is unhealthy and is going to affect your relationship as a whole.

You can give him some time to think about it but you have to reach the root of the problem and that will only happen when/if he opens up. This is very mysterious and odd. If he's 100% no sex then he must either allow you to have sex with other men (which I doubt is what you want) or let you go. You seem to have different sex drives and attitude towards sex. Talk about it, see how different you are and make the best choice for your own sake.

If he doesn't have sex then he must be masturbating, so you can find out why he'd prefer this over sex. If he doesn't masturbate either then it can be a medical or hormonal issue that only a doctor can help you with. Ask him if he would like to go for a check up.

**pretzel** · 03-24-2010 07:21 AM

sourpuss, if I may offer a couple of points,

First and foremost, we have talked endlessly about not letting one's past dictate the future. For some reason, he is letting this happen. These are his words (through you)

"But he outright said that he's just not into sex. According to him, sex in his past has always been unhealthy. So he wants to have a relationship....but no sex with me."

Relationships are both give and take, we both know that. At what point in your compramise of letting this go a couple of months end up being a year? Two years? Five years?

The stress of him losing his job and injury are totally different from his relationship with you.

**rcoreyus** · 03-24-2010 07:25 AM

I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with Stressed that you need to talk with him to find out why. Does he not want sex with anyone? Is he gay (he might have gradually started to realize that). Is he just not attracted to YOU - that hurts, but better that he is honest than to go for years with him unhappy an not knowing why.

You need to decide how important sex is to you. For most people it is necessary for a loving relationship.

**sourpuss** · 03-24-2010 07:35 AM

Apparently, his long-term girlfriend (7 years) was really freaky in bed. She wanted him to basically beat her up. I couldn't believe the things he told me she was in to. It made him really uncomfortable, but then he said it's like a disease and regular sex after years of that seemed weird. He's really sensitive about being super respectful of me and I think it makes him feel guilty that it's not enough for him. Does that make sense?
Then after her, he got a gal pregnant and they have a kid. They were together for 3 years and never had sex and she ended up taking him for everything he had in a really calculated and deceitful way.

So now he has about 10+ years of sex being negative. So we have talked about why, and it makes sense to me. I'm willing to have sex less often. (which we have been) It started out almost everyday and now it's down to twice a week. But the last several times I could tell he was just doing it because he felt like he had to and just to get me out of his hair. He's clearly not into it.

He has said that if it's not enough for me then I have his permission to sleep with someone else, he just doesn't want to know about it. I'm so not into that at all. I'm really in love with him and attracted to him. I have a really hard time even thinking about anything other than him when I masturbate. And now that we're not doing it and when we do, it's bad, masturbating is becoming harder and just now worth the frustration.

**WildChild** · 03-24-2010 07:36 AM

I agree with all three posters above, but he's in control on this. You can try to get him to talk, look at this more deeply, to make changes, but ultimately it's up to him. I know it hurts, he can tell you how wonderful you are and how much he cares about you and blah, blah, blah but bottom line for those of us who are into sex, this hits hard right at our center. It's a rejection on an emtional, spiritual and physical level, And you are right your friends aren't in your bed every night.

If he's stuck in the past, you either get stuck there - in his past with him, or you move on. I'm dealing with a variation of this and it's hard. I'm not walking away but am focusing on moving forward in other areas while I see what he does with the rest but as sexual beings, neither you or I can wait forever, it's too damaging.

**sourpuss** · 03-24-2010 08:51 AM

Agreed WC. For sure.

Since I'm not at time in my life where I have time to date or meet someone, nor am I interested, I'm not too stressed about letting the relationship fizzle out in that regard.
The only thing that bothers me is that I do want him to be my boyfriend and I do want us to be happy together like we were several months ago. But at this point, I feel like my only option is to let it go the direction that it's going and eventually we'll just grow apart and spend less and less time together and just end up good buddies.

**pretzel** · 03-24-2010 09:09 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Agreed WC. For sure.

Since I'm not at time in my life where I have time to date or meet someone, nor am I interested, I'm not too stressed about letting the relationship fizzle out in that regard.
The only thing that bothers me is that I do want him to be my boyfriend and I do want us to be happy together like we were several months ago. But at this point, I feel like my only option is to let it go the direction that it's going and eventually we'll just grow apart and spend less and less time together and just end up good buddies.

It sounds like you've already resigned yourself that the relationship if effectively over and you're just waiting for the final buzzer to go off.

I'm sorry to hear that.

**sourpuss** · 03-24-2010 09:26 AM

Yeah, it does sound like that. It not what I want, I just feel like my hands are tied in the situation. I honestly don't know what else to do.

**pretzel** · 03-24-2010 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Yeah, it does sound like that. It not what I want, I just feel like my hands are tied in the situation. I honestly don't know what else to do.

I don't think there's a person here who doesn't sympathize.

It's not easy being on the short end of something that was once wonderful and exciting is somehow misplaced.

You and I both know that you have 2 choices, fight or admit defeat. If you don't want to fight to get that back, you've already admitted defeat.