How do you get your guy in the mood?

**BeMyBait** · 03-27-2010 05:48 AM

Or Men, what puts you in the mood?

My SO has been having some mental blockage problems during sex. He seems to get distracted easily and loses his erection. I posted about it previously in the Dating section. I think the anxiety he has been feeling over losing his erections is turning him off to sex in general. He's still attentive and cuddly, but I think if he could just focus it would begin to work itself out.

I just need to get him back in the mood! So what are your tips to get his mind back in the gutter lol

Also I've read about sexual alternatives and was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on other intimate acts aside from intercourse. (Oral and Mutual Masturbation are already ideas in mind)

Thanks!

**amaranthine** · 03-27-2010 03:19 PM

I've had a similar issue with my bf for a long time. If his anxiety is that severe, maybe you should look into a sex therapist or psychologist. Or, maybe a general practitioner could look into some basic anti-anxiety medications. If it's really all in his head, that might do the trick.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-27-2010 03:46 PM

When your guy gets distracted do your level best to maintain your composure. Any sign of frustration from you will add to the anxiety of the moment making it a no-go.

When you two settle in for intimacy, don't have any expectations of erection or orgasm, of penetration of anything other than enjoying each others bodies, being close, feeling good.

Don't be afraid to caress his penis when its not erect. You can still touch it and play with it and he will get some pleasure out of those touches with or without an erection.

Don't play with it with the intetion of making it erect, but if it happens it happens

Allow him to pleasure you, not having an erection will make him feel helpless at satisfying you... show him using his hands and his mouth the ways he can satisfy you just fine with or without an erection.

Massage his body for extended periods of time, not only will it help him relax, but it will give him physical pleasure , even if not sexual, that will help maintain that closeness you guys share.

Go for inniciating at unexpected times and places, especially in situations where sex cannot be had... it will help build anticipation without expectation.

For example touching and caressing him in the car on the way to dinner. Making a play for his package under the table. Saying overtly sexual things out of no where. Remind him how sexy he is to you, how good he makes you feel, remind him above all that he is a man, your man and that you love him and desire him.

Avoid talking about the erection issues prior to a perfect climate for sex, the last thing you want to do is spin those wheels of doubt.

When a man is arroused the blood flow to the penis can be vanquished in seconds the minute he feels anxiety... all the blood pumps to the heart and lungs, heartbeat accelerates. Even the mildest panic can send an erection for the hills so keep everything low pressure, comforting and sexy.

**p3375** · 03-27-2010 05:07 PM

B;
may I ask how old your guy is? Has he had a gen medical checkup lately? It may be hard for him to discuss w/ a doc., but lots of guys in 40's an older have low testosterone levels. Affects not only sex drive but mood, self confidence, etc.

If that's not an issue an you just want a little boost to his ability to get an maintain erections, go to the health food or herb store, of even the local mall an get an herb called yohombie (spelling prob wrong but something like that) and ask him to try it. It's like viagra but without perscription and pretty cheap. Caution! Herbs are often just as powerful a medicine as any prescription - there are sometimes side effects in some folks - I'm serious when I say to start w recommended dose, or even half of that. Anyway, the stuff does work (for women too - increases blood flow, sensitivity, natural lubrication etc but use in 1/4 dose). Anyway, give that a shot if you think appropriate.
Cheers!
P

**jns** · 03-27-2010 06:53 PM

Men are usually stimulated visually. Try to determine what visual situations turn him on and give him those views. I can get turned on by a woman's feet, by the shape and placement of her calves, the hair on her legs, the coloring of her skin, the structure of her knees, the back of her knees, the shape of her thighs, the firmness of her thighs, the joining of her thighs, the musculature of her thighs and legs, the cut of her pubic hair or lack thereof, the size and shape of her pubic area, the roundness and texture of her butt, her butt-hole (hairiness, shape, color, symmetry), the shape of her hips, the shape of her back, the ripples in her back, the flatness of her stomach, the shape and style of her belly button. And that is just for the part below the belt. The list is at least as long above the belt.

Add on top of this teasing, forbidden looks, a sexy voice, words that excite him, sounds that please him and perfume that excites him and you may be able to get him to respond, at least partially. If he can keep at least partially erect, he could lock a hand around the base of the erection to force the head to engorge. He may not be able to penetrate the full distance, but he could penetrate enough to finish the job if he can get the right amount of sensation. And he may penetrate at the right distance an angle to stimulate the G spot. Sensation will be controlled by the thinness or thickness of the lubricant and the tightness of the woman as well as vaginal variation. One thing I have found that works some times is a sex position that will provide some stimulation to my testicles as they rub against the woman's leg. If he could get excited while getting you excited, so much the better.

Erectile dysfunction, which I have, is annoying. It takes some of the spontaneity out of intimate relations. I take Levitra from time to time, and it only partially works. You may have to realize that you will have to take turns satisfying each other, that you may not be able to satisfy each other at the same time.

**BeMyBait** · 03-28-2010 03:27 AM

Originally Posted by p3375

B;
May I ask how old your guy is? Has he had a gen medical checkup lately? It may be hard for him to discuss w/ a doc., but lots of guys in 40's an older have low testosterone levels. Affects not only sex drive but mood, self confidence, etc.

If that's not an issue an you just want a little boost to his ability to get an maintain erections, go to the health food or herb store, of even the local mall an get an herb called yohombie (spelling prob wrong but something like that) and ask him to try it. It's like Viagra but without prescription and pretty cheap. Caution! Herbs are often just as powerful a medicine as any prescription - there are sometimes side effects in some folks - I'm serious when I say to start w recommended dose, or even half of that. Anyway, the stuff does work (for women too - increases blood flow, sensitivity, natural lubrication etc but use in 1/4 dose). Anyway, give that a shot if you think appropriate.
Cheers!
P

He just turned 31, but he has some self consciousness about his age despite the fact that I'm into older guys and not even that much younger than him (I'll be 28 in April). When it first started happening I did ask the last time he went to the MD and he said about a year or so. He just started a new job so as soon as those benefits kick in I'm hoping he'll book something soon, not just for the sake of sex, but his health in general.

I'll have to look into the herb you mentioned, there is a natural food store right down the street for me so thanks for the suggestion. Sometimes it takes too long for me to climax as well and I think all that time waiting on me might add to his anxiety, so it might be good for me as well

HD: Your suggestions were very helpful and insightful! I'll be good at remembering all of those points. I do remind him often how much I both love and desire him, but he still gets all anxious since its happened at all. We also do lots of caressing and cuddling whenever we're together. I especially like the idea of being spontaneous in situations where we can't have sex to spark some longing.

Originally Posted by jns

You may have to realize that you will have to take turns satisfying each other, that you may not be able to satisfy each other at the same time.

I think that is the type of situation we'll be working with at first and that is beyond ok with me. As long as he's not just turning off completely thats all I care about. I woke up before him this morning and I noticed he got an erection during sleep so I woke him up with oral which was successful all the way to completion with no problems. I think this did make him feel good both about himself and also just in general! I think its been a month since he's had that release. He told me he was having a sexual dream about me (which made me feel awesome!) and mentioned that even in the dream he was worried about losing his erection and was trying to quickly find a place for us to sneak away and have sex.

Hopefully now that he realizes when he doesn't stress so much things go just fine it will help, but until then I'll keep trying everything thats been suggested.

Thanks so much!!

**Texasred** · 03-28-2010 10:02 PM

He needs to also realize that it's perfectly normal (or at least not completely unheard-of) for a guy to occasionally lose or partially lose an erection during sex, and that it will come back soon enough as long as he doesn't obsess over it. Sounds to me like he's just got a little bit of a psychological problem, and that what you did catching him in the morning like that was the perfect solution.
At least, as a guy, it sounded pretty perfect!
Just tell him not to worry, and go on with what you're doing.

**caterpillar79** · 03-28-2010 11:18 PM

In reference to the OP...

HD hit the mark. Don't be shy to caress his penis with your free hand. Wear a G-string or a V-string, so when he's cuddling you, you can rub your behind against his package and he can feel your skin. Likewise, when he hugs you, acknowledge "his" presence and playfully kneel down and act as if you're going to give him a BJ - something he can look forward to later if you decide to do so.

**maverick** · 03-29-2010 11:23 AM

There are some great suggestions above. You have already discovered from your morning session that men's testosterone levels are at their peak 1st thing in the morning. Taking advantage of this can help with erection problems. He should have his doctor test his testosterone levels. Low T levels can lead to ED and other health problems such as osteoporosis. I personally suffer from low T and ED. The way it affected me was not achieving an erection but in maintaining one. Although I do take Cialis, as was correctly pointed out above, during sex the anxiety of losing your erection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (ED meds or not). I try to control my thoughts, get lost in the moment and that usually helps. During those times when it happens, frequently oral can work wonders. And HD’s suggested tactics above would likely work too. Sometimes, I find just spending some time with my wife and concentrating on her will bring me back around. (That’s how I found out she was multi-orgasmic. What a nice discovery!) Just don’t get upset or try to figure out “what’s wrong with you”. Many women immediately assume that when this happens to a man that it is the woman’s fault. It almost always most assuredly is not.

**BeMyBait** · 03-30-2010 06:27 AM

Originally Posted by maverick

You have already discovered from your morning session that men's testosterone levels are at their peak 1st thing in the morning. Taking advantage of this can help with erection problems.

This may sound silly, lol, but I just want to make sure I'm taking advantage of the correct timing.

When you say "morning" do you mean like the actual morning, or just when first waking up?

Sometimes we have odd sleeping schedules and our mornings are actually at night or all kinds of craziness.

Thanks for the advice though! When his insurance kicks in I'll suggest that he gets his testosterone checked out.