Thread: Birthday Sex Turned Bad

Another non-hormonal option is the female condom--

I've used them and love the feeling compared to a regular condom--we make the insertion part of our foreplay and it can be fun if you let him do it.

i know the contraceptive pill can lessen your sexual desire, is that why you want to go off it. dont have the injection, i had that, stacked on the weight, and it seem to depress me and make me tired. pity your fella wont step up to the plate, because condoms seem the way to go. especially if you are prone to infections.

Risking unwanted pregnancy is a really big deal. It looks like you can't trust him to control himself, so you will need to be responsible. Its not fair, but that seems to be the reality.

It is actually unusual for men to enjoy continued intercourse immediately after they ejaculate. Could it be he was (stupidly) doing this in an attempt to please you? The whole situation sounds odd - like there is something you're missing in his motivations.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

It is actually unusual for men to enjoy continued intercourse immediately after they ejaculate. Could it be he was (stupidly) doing this in an attempt to please you? The whole situation sounds odd - like there is something you're missing in his motivations.

Thats kind of the feeling I got like... if his first orgasm happens in a minute, perhaps he is worried about that not satisfying you so feels the need to keep going for the second (which will obviously take longer) in an attempt to please you.

You mention him being insecure and submissive and such so I'm just trying to get a feel for why he'd act so recklessly as surely he doesn't want to upset you.

The only thing I could think of was the FEAR of upsetting you, dissapointing you, irritating you , etc.... possibibly being one of the reasons he'd risk doing something you don't want (hoping you don't notice).

Obviously not a smart move as you would be more hurt and upset at his disregaurd for pregnancy prevention than you would be at him ejaculating quickly or stopping to change a condom... but in his insecure mind, maybe he thought he could get a way with you thinking he'd lasted all that time and not feel embarassed after 30 seconds stopping to change the condom.

Thats all I meant. Not that he's right for what he's doing, or that you are wrong for what you are doing... but that a possibility for his actions may be his backwards attempt at trying to make you happy.

Some guys think it has to be this marathon thing in order to make a woman happy. I know for me I don't need all that. I orgasm fairly quickly and anything else is a bonus. But guys get it drilled in their heads that they should last all long and possibly his trying to do that lead him to the behavior he displayed.

Again, not a good thing... obviously. But I know you came here trying to figure out why he would act in such a manner and as much as it sounds like he cares for you its hard to see that it was just for his own penis benefit and that alone that he would cast aside your wishes.

Risking unwanted pregnancy is a really big deal. It looks like you can't trust him to control himself, so you will need to be responsible. Its not fair, but that seems to be the reality.

Perhaps reality in this case, but we're nearing 30 years old and I want someone I can depend on. If I continue in my life to say "well he should be doing it, but since he's not taking responsibility I guess I"ll have to", then I'm afraid that will overrun into other areas of my life. Then someday it will be "well, he should be changing diapers, he should be cleaning up after himself, he should be responsible with money, but he's not so I'll have to take care of it myself". I know that happens.........but gosh...I really don't want that kind of relationship.

It is actually unusual for men to enjoy continued intercourse immediately after they ejaculate. Could it be he was (stupidly) doing this in an attempt to please you? The whole situation sounds odd - like there is something you're missing in his motivations.

I agree. It is unusual. But back when we first started dating I posted on here "Men who remain erect through multiple orgasms" because even then it was the same way and I had never experienced that before. He's so quiet about it that even sometimes with a condom I couldn't tell if he had gotten off (depending on the volume of course) and I'd finally ask and he'd say "Yeah, 2 times already", and he'd still be going. Then, that proved to be true on the times I could feel it happening. He'd never go limp at all, not even a little bit. He'd just keep on going. And another thing that would make me believe against that, is that when I had the cyst, I would try to compromise and give him sex (since he made it clear he wanted it) and of course I was in too much pain to have an orgasm, so as soon as he'd get off the first time, I'd try to stop and he'd ask me why, he wanted to keep going, even though he knew I was hurting. It's like he has to get off that second time to fully be satisfied. And sometimes more than twice. So I don't think it's for my benefit that he does it.

Rediscovered - thanks, I've never tried one. They look like they would really decrease the feeling?

Happy Ending - That's certainly part of it. But overall the pill just wasn't good for me. Lost lots of hair, weight fluctuations, lack of energy a big part of the time, fatigue, and the list goes on and on and on. I'm going to talk to my doctor about other options (I don't want anything implanted into my cervix either).

BD,

I am sooo sorry that happened (especially on your birthday). It does get a bit frustrating being a female and being the sole responsible party a lot of times. Sex involves two people and it is very frustrating to have to always be the one who is more concerned. That being said, though, you're right. If something happens, it really is all on us... They can leave, and if you're opposed to abortion or adoption, it really leaves a woman in a bad situation...

I understand your frustration. I am on birth control so I don't have that particular issue right now, but I have had in the past when I was not on birth control and/or on antibiotics. It's hard to explain to someone how much the risk increases and what a big deal is and honestly I don't think some men really "get" it.

I know you're mostly upset because you had to go into it at all and you're right, you shouldn't have since you already discussed and you were asking for his help with this for a month...I agree with WC though..Men think with their penises sometimes (or a lot of times)... It's just how they are and sometimes that overrides other things even when they care about someone...

Obviously what's done is done at this point, but I think it's one of those things that would probably be an issue with a lot of guys. As bad as it was to have the discussion again, I hope this gets it through his head! (both of them )

Oh and Happy Belated Birthday

KyGirl - It's soooo frustrating. I really have a REALLY hard time accepting it when people I'm in a relationship with don't live up to their end of the bargain. I take my responsibilities and commitments VERY seriously (which I guess is part of the reason I'm reluctant to totally commit (like marriage), because I know when I do, I will take it very seriously) Every time it happens, it's like I'm one foot in, one foot out again ready to end it (in my mind at least...I definitely don't let him know that). None of us are perfect, including me......I know that...but it's SO frustrating because it's times like these when I feel like I'm dealing with someone who's 16, not almost 28.

Funny thing is, that very day, I took a personality quiz and he and I read the results of the "love" part of it together and it said this (well this is part of it):

"For ESTJs, love means stability and steadfastness. However, when they first fall in love, they are much more likely to be spontaneous and open to the moment. They typically enjoy active pursuits, such as going to parties and sporting events, and taking walks together. ESTJs give, and expect, security and loyalty in relationships. When commitments are broken, ESTJs become upset because they hold others to the same standards of stead-fastness to which they hold themselves. "

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

KyGirl - It's soooo frustrating. I really have a REALLY hard time accepting it when people I'm in a relationship with don't live up to their end of the bargain. I take my responsibilities and commitments VERY seriously (which I guess is part of the reason I'm reluctant to totally commit (like marriage), because I know when I do, I will take it very seriously) Every time it happens, it's like I'm one foot in, one foot out again ready to end it (in my mind at least...I definitely don't let him know that). None of us are perfect, including me......I know that...but it's SO frustrating because it's times like these when I feel like I'm dealing with someone who's 16, not almost 28.

Funny thing is, that very day, I took a personality quiz and he and I read the results of the "love" part of it together and it said this (well this is part of it):

"For ESTJs, love means stability and steadfastness. However, when they first fall in love, they are much more likely to be spontaneous and open to the moment. They typically enjoy active pursuits, such as going to parties and sporting events, and taking walks together. ESTJs give, and expect, security and loyalty in relationships. When commitments are broken, ESTJs become upset because they hold others to the same standards of stead-fastness to which they hold themselves. "

Well not to speak for every man close to 30, but let me tell you... I've dated a LOT of them (esp in KY lol) and 28 does not a mature man make... It really depends on the person, but I think the level of responsibility that most men can handle at that age is limited. I'm not saying he was right or that you should expect less, but I think sometimes they don't truly understand that we're not just telling them things to complain/nag but that we tell them because it's truly important... I am not an ESTJ (I am an ENFJ) but stability is extremely important to me so I totally get it... It's hard enough to get my trust without doing anything. If something that makes me think they aren't trustworthy and/or dependable, it is a hard road to get back to square one with me...

That being said, sometimes you have to really sit down sometimes and decide if you're being too hard or if someone just can't give you the things you need.

If something that makes me think they aren't trustworthy and/or dependable, it is a hard road to get back to square one with me...

Me too. But I try, I try SO hard to not let it ruin things because I really want it to work. And it becomes incredibly frustrating for me when I say to myself "Okay, this was just a mistake due to his inexperience...I'm going to get over it and move on".....and then something else like that happens. I mean it's one thing if he says something I don't agree with, (I vent about that too on here), but that's just normal stuff, I expect it in a relationship......but it's a different story when someone that is supposed to care so much for me just disregards me (and somehow it always seems to have to do with sex...which in turn doesn't help my sex drive any!!)

That being said, sometimes you have to really sit down sometimes and decide if you're being too hard or if someone just can't give you the things you need.

Agreed. I know sometimes I can be too hard on the people in my life.....because just as we talked about earlier, I hold them to high standards just as I do myself. In my adult years, I've thankfully learned to control thy tongue a bit and a lot of things that in my mind I get irritated by, I control that and acknowledge its lack of importance. Can he give me what I need? I don't know. He's sweet-natured, kind, nurturing, giving. But he's submissive, doesn't know how to take initiative when it comes to relationships and I have had to encourage and teach these things as we've gone along (both in and out of the bedroom). And I know some things are a result of inexperience so I try to be more patient with those things. But some things are just good adult sense (birth control) and I don't feel like I should have to always think to myself "Okay, did I think of every possible scenario and cover that with him?". I shouldn't have to. It's too much pressure on me both in and out of the bedroom. Things in that regard had been going better in the past few weeks, until Saturday night. I nearly cried (and that never happens) thinking about going through another pregnancy scare. REALLY makes it hard to enjoy sex when things like this happen time and time again. He agrees with me, says he should have been more responsible, says I'm right, etc etc etc.......but it gets really hard to chuckle and move on each time.

But he's such a good person......it hurts my heart for him to hurt.....I just wish he'd learn to use his noggin so I'd be able to stop overworking mine for the two of us.