Birthday Sex Turned Bad

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-04-2010 08:56 AM

Yesterday was my bday. Great day, my bf planned a really nice evening. I really enjoyed it. When he brought me home, it was late, I said I'm tired and going to go to bed, and he asks to tuck me in. And that's when it started....

A little background: As you can read from some previous texts I started to really lose my sex drive a few months back. Finally, 3 weeks ago I decided to go off the pill. I was tired of feeling bad, tired of being the only one responsible for birth control, and the only one to suffer from it. When I told him I was going off the pill, he brought up condoms. I then brought up the fact that I was going to be off the pill for a month, give myself a month of not having to worry about it, then go to the dr and discuss non hormonal options. I also brought up the fact that until we had another form of protection, condoms weren't going to be enough for us to ensure protection, because he is "multi orgasmic" and after he cums the first time, does not lose his erection and is not fully satisfied until he cums twice. We discussed the fact that when using only condoms as protection, it was important after cumming even once to change condoms.

Now back to the story, he comes in my bedroom to tuck me in. It had been a really long day and I truly was very tired. It became very clear very quick that he intended to have sex. He put on a condom and probably 10-15 minutes into the sex I'm thinking "I KNOW he has had to have came already....but surely not if he's still going". Typically he cums first within the first minute. Thing about him is that with a condom on, I have no idea when he cums because he makes no sound, not a peep, nothing. So, gross as this may sound, at one time he pulled out too far and I could feel the end of the condom hanging off of him. I look back and I see a 2-3 inch portion of the tip of the condom hanging off the end of his penis filled with cum........but he was still continuing to have sex with me knowing that if that condom broke, it was filled with semen that would then, be inside me. I then realized that although we were 10-15 minutes into sex, he had ejaculated within the first minute, and had continued. I became angry and once again, felt I had been disregarded. We specifically talked about that VERY thing and how now that I'm not on the pill, that is just TOO much risk to take.......and he had at the first opportunity, done exactly what I talked with him about making sure didn't happen.

So, I'm not one to hold my thoughts in, and I was hurt by it..so I told him. "I have been responsible for birth control for almost 10 years of my life. For the past 8 months with you, not getting pregnant has been 100% MY responsibility. Now for the FIRST time since we've been dating, it's YOUR responsibility and you take it with a grain of salt and do exactly what I asked not to be done. How am I supposed to enjoy myself during sex if I have to constantly worry about you being responsible?". I then talked to him about previous incidences when I was on the pill and taking antibiotic (which countercts BC) and how even though he knew that, i'd have to tell him to put on a condom because if I didn't he'd have unprotected sex with me and not bat an eye. He argued with me for a bit....then he said "You're right, and I'm sorry, this is my responsibility.....and I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry".

I'm hurt by this. I want to enjoy sex. I'm hurt because I feel like once again, he put his sexual satisfaction over my well being. Because as I explained to him, if I got pregnant, that is MY responsibility because as a man, he has a CHOICE whether to be involved or not.

Will this ever happen again? No...probably not this particular thing, because i'm sure he learned his lesson last night.......but the fact is, I'm tired of having to teach lessons. I want to be able to enjoy sex as an adult woman in an adult relationship. Same as he knew he could depend on me to take my pill and not get pregnant.....I'd like to be able to know I'm with a grown MAN, who will take that responsibility when it becomes his as it recently has.

It was a not so good ending, to a really nice birthday. I'm just not really sure what to think, how to feel, if I'm overreacting.... etc. That's where you all come in.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-04-2010 09:49 AM

It just sounds like you are really unhappy with him. I can't see from any of the things you've said lately... much that he could do to make right with you at this point in time.

It seems like he gets a scolding before sex like... hey you better do it this way or that and i'm not doing this anymore ive done it for 10 years and... I understand that you have been doing that for 10 years... but not for him for 10 years.

It sounds like you are taking out on him the birth control you've had to use with other men and to me it hardly seems fair.

It many not have been the most responsible thing for him to say in after he had come once in the condom but what is your reaction when he's stopped and had to change in the past , if he ever has? I mean maybe he was worried about upsetting you or turning you off... etc.. it sounds like the climate is one of which he is worried about getting you mad often?

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-04-2010 09:52 AM

PS , I don't mean to belittle your worries... just in all honesty from many of the things you have said about him, if I were in his position I would feel the need to walk on eggshells. And this irresponsability on his part may be a side effect of that.

The way you describe him wanting sex last night was almost as if you were not looking foward to it all... and perhaps he could get that vibe from you and just thought if he had to stop etc... it would just make you mad.

Thats no excuse to risk getting you pregnant. I don't want that point to be missed in what I am saying. I just mean it seems like he's always in the dog house.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-04-2010 10:20 AM

Hmmm, I would say that's hardly a fair assessment, though I respect your opinion and appreciate your willingness to give that opinion. I get on here and vent about particular things in our relationship because sometimes I don't know the best way to handle them and you all often help me understand how I need to handle things best It's human nature not to get on here and post all the wonderful things he does for me, and the great things about our relationship...because I don't need advice about those things. Hence, you only really get to see the things that concern me.

He planned a wonderful evening for me last night. I pointed that out in my post so the readers would know this is not just a horrible fighting relationship. Matter of fact, we rarely fight, but we are on two very different maturity levels, and two very different personalities. He likes being submissive, he likes for me to tell him what to do, and I don't like that. Therefore, I am often the one that speaks up when things aren't going the way they should be. It's not that he doesn't think the same thing, he just doesn't speak up. He'd never speak up about anything, truly..... so does that make him the good guy? No. But it certainly doesn't make me the bad guy for speaking up.

I pointed out the fact that I was tired, and that he initiated sex last night so the readers would know that it wasn't one of those situations of intense heated passion where I attacked him and he didn't think clearly. I was exhausted, truly at that moment, I didn't want sex but I participated just as if I did cause I knew although I was tired, once we got into it, I'd enjoy it. And, on top of that, he had put forth a lot of effort for my birthday. It's huge deal for him to plan anything...and he did, so I wanted him to feel rewarded.

He disregarded me, sexually. Just like he has done in sex at times before, when he knew I was on antibiotic, when he knew I had a cyst, etcetc. My reaction to that is no way reflection of the past 10 years and making him pay for anything I've gone through with anyone other than him. I am tired of being 100% responsible for BC , that is a fact. He knows I'm off the pill. He knows I haven't been to the doctor yet to discuss non hormonal options. Last night was the first time in almost 8 mths he has had to be responsible for birth control. Not only did he not bring condoms, I had to ask him "Aren't you going to put on a condom" (luckily I had some), then I had to lay there and worry about him doing what I feared he'd do (which is why I spoke with him about it weeks ago when I went off the pill). He said during sex he thought about it, but did it stop him? No it didn't. And how does that make me feel? Disregarded.

Yes, I'm weird. Yes, I'm non commital. Yes I'm independent. I am all those things. Yes, I freak out isnside when someone says the L word to me, especially if I don't feel ready to say it. Yes, having someone I'm crazy about tell me after watching me have multiple pregnancy scares that they may have a fatal genetic disease, freaks me out. But I am also thoughtful, considerate, mature....and he's crazy about me because I am good to him.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-04-2010 10:30 AM

I certainly don't mean to make you out to be a bad guy in general because of the fact you don't share many positive feelings about this man. I just have not heard you say really anything to the effect of him doing something that genuinly made you happy.

It almost seems like you are forcing your way through this relationship hoping to gain feelings later, again its just an opinion based on the small snipits of whats posted here, which is but a fraction of everything going on your relationship obviously.

You admit to having no desire for sex with him, but just kind of 'acting' like it was okay thinking it might not be all that awful once you get into it. And from many of the things you describe it seems you are with a guy that is insecure, submissive yet smitten with you and I just havent seen anywhere you've really said anything to the effect of you feeling smitten by him as well.

That is not saying you don't have those feelings, and that is not saying that confidence = inability to love someone. They are 2 different things.

I just was pointing out what appeared to be a constant of him not pleasing you in some way and thinking that may have played a role in his irresponsibility to the birth control situation.

It was entirely selfish on his part to risk a pregnancy as to just not have to stop. I was just meaning if he already felt like you were doing him a favor in sleeping with him its possible he didn't want to push his luck and stop to change condoms. Again, childish and immature on his part... grossly negligent. But I couldn't help but to point out what appeared to be a climate that might cause him to act in such a reckless manner.

**molly36** · 04-04-2010 12:51 PM

maybe you need to re-think your relationship and sexual needs, does he always come quickly?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-04-2010 03:09 PM

Hmmm, I would say that's hardly a fair assessment, though I respect your opinion and appreciate your willingness to give that opinion. I get on here and vent about particular things in our relationship because sometimes I don't know the best way to handle them and you all often help me understand how I need to handle things best It's human nature not to get on here and post all the wonderful things he does for me, and the great things about our relationship...because I don't need advice about those things. Hence, you only really get to see the things that concern me.

No contest...

That's exactly what you do and have done, since the moment you joined and I recall many a time, when you've accused me of being a Witch

In any event, what is a Woman's Forum? A place to come to to ask about a problem.. It's rare that it's glossed over with love to it's fullest, after all there's a problem...

But, remember sweetness, if there are "too many problems", it may be "in-capatibility" that you may one day realise that you can't keep jumping over, and in that, I think is what HD was trying to say.

But to your question...

Men think with their penises, especially at a young age, and let's face it, they are still boys in their 40's

But, they do grow with wisdom, and with more respect and with more understanding and usually, they have had failed relationships as well, thereby want to try to get it right.. Just not so, when they are younger.

What I don't like is "Tuck you into bed" when you state "I'm tired". How honestly wonderful would it have been if he had done that, kissed you on the forhead, told you he loved you, sleep well princess and left? But, there's a bed, he loves you, he sees you in bed, thy penis is awake, not happening unless you have alot of control and first time coming 1 minute, he doesn't have much control

Taking that aside, the next issue is the condom.. See, we have wisdom, intuition, look for safety, take on responsibilities, we are female, we're born with that.

He put one on...

It's difficult for a man to stop and start again, taking a condom off and putting another one on, it ruins the moment. Not excusing him, but just saying, I bet that is what went on in his head, rebel... that he is.. noooo, I'll just keep going.

Anger, getting mad, is such a waste of energy.. I understand exactly where you are coming from, how can you enjoy that intimacy without fear?

So, in that he has to understand, you understand why he did it and it's not fair, but it's 1 month, whilst you work out if it's the pill that's making you not feel so much like sex, and he has to understand that you have that fear, rightly so... and in that he has to have a maturity, of a man... and respect your wishes as his woman, because we are talking babies, not going out with the mates for a drink...

Try a softer approach, you've basically told him the facts and figures, as aposed to the "I understand why you wouldn't want to, you need to understand, why I want to, need to do it this way for us, for now... sweet, please don't do that again...

He'll get it better, it won't strain your relationship as much and you won't have to use the energy of getting mad, which makes you feel better, if you don't anyway huh:P

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-04-2010 04:42 PM

Yeah....its sort of like that one friend you have that calls you for advice everytime something happens whether big or small in her relationship. Sometimes you feel like all you hear are the negative things, therefore it would be unhuman like to not form a bit of a negative feeling regarding the relationship. I get that, HD, and I do respect your opinions as always.

For the past couple weeks, things have been great between us. Lighter hearted, easier going, he's been much more positive, and much less clingy. I think alot of that behavior came from his fear of the disease. As I'd hoped, things improved between us. Plus, going off the pill, I have felt SO much better. Wow, I wake up in the morning and instantly feel differently than I have for the past many years. And although it's only been 3 weeks, slowly but surely I'm noticing my sex drive returning.

You admit to having no desire for sex with him, but just kind of 'acting' like it was okay thinking it might not be all that awful once you get into it.

Not no desire for sex with HIM, just no desire to have sex last night. Can't help it, was just exhausted and was not in the mood. Lately, being in the mood 1 time a week is a HUGE improvement for me as my drive to physically have sex with a man had diminished to nothing. So yeah, in my mind, that is improving for me.....the general lack of desire, not simply lack of desire with him.

But I couldn't help but to point out what appeared to be a climate that might cause him to act in such a reckless manner.

Perhaps, but if that's the case, then why in the beginning of our relationship before I even knew about the possibility of the Huntingtons, when things were new and fresh and intense did he put sexual gratification over good sense? Why when I was on antibiotic did I have to tell him to put on a condom? Why when I had a painful ovarian cyst that he knew was worsened by sex (cause I told him) did he continue to pursue me for sex, and then question me during sex whenit hurt and I wanted to stop? Was he maliciously trying to hurt me? Absolutely not.....but it was the classic case of putting ones sexual satisfaction over good sense, and over the feelings of the one you're with. Now I guess had none of that happened, last night wouldn't have been like a slap in the face to me. But because it has happened, we've talked about it, and because we did discuss the whole condom thing (and the proper use of them) as responsible adults...... what he did last night felt like total disregard and a slap in the face.

What I don't like is "Tuck you into bed" when you state "I'm tired". How honestly wonderful would it have been if he had done that, kissed you on the forhead, told you he loved you, sleep well princess and left?

Yes....it would've have been WONDERFUL. And it bothers me that when he asked me "can I tuck you in?", that I thought he really meant tuck me in....but what he really had in his mind was not to do what he asked if he could do. And you're right, I'm a very compassionate and sensitive person BUT when someone hurts me I'm not good at handling it "softly". When he looked at me and said "Well I've always used condoms and I've never had one break!!", I just really got mad. My response, "No one that gets pregnant the first time has ever gotten pregnant before......". Duh. Things happen, and because they have never happened before is no predictor of whether or not they could.

maybe you need to re-think your relationship and sexual needs, does he always come quickly?

His early ejaculation isn't really an issue for me, because he's able to maintain his erection and continue. I always considered that a great thing, but that was before when I was on the pill and we weren't using condoms. It's nice to know that you made your man cum more than once.

But now that I'm not on the pill and condoms are our only method of control, cumming into the condom and continuing on for 15-20 more minutes with the same condom is far too negligent in my book for two people that have agreed they don't want a pregnancy right now.

I understand exactly where you are coming from, how can you enjoy that intimacy without fear?

And that is exactly my point. How can I? I certainly enjoyed the intimacy in the beginning, I enjoyed it multiple times a day almost every day. Then the bladder infections/antibiotic started, therefore periods of unprotection in which I was still 100% responsible for making sure he wore a condom because if I didn't tell him to, he didn't. If I didn't keep them by my bed, he never brought one. Fear. Then the disease....and the fear of irresponsibly bringing a child into the world without even knowing whether or not he has it. Once again, fear. Then now, when things are SO much better, lighter hearted, etc.....and the first time he has the responsibility on his shoulders it was neglected. And in my head, "He put his sexual satisfaction before me, before my body, before my wishes FOR my body......he disregarded all of that". And that's HIGHLY confusing to me considering what he says are very strong feelings for me almost love feelings. How can I believe those feelings are real if you disregard me? You might say you love me, you might say I'm beautiful and amazing...... but actions speak louder than words.......and that action last night (and in previous times) scares me.

If I didn't have you gals to vent to, I don't know what I'd do. Alot of times, venting here allows me to get it off my shoulders and try to think of a way to handle it with him with a clearer cooler head. Last thing I want is to hurt him. He's a good person with a very kind heart. But so am I. And I don't want to carry the responsibility for everything on my shoulders ALL the time. I'm not his mother. I shouldn't have to teach him proper use of condoms, he KNOWS proper use, he chooses to disregard it. I shouldn't have to say it to him to make him go "Oh yeah you're probably right". Where is the adult thought? Where is the adult responsibility? And he knows I'm right, he knows doing exactly what I asked him NOT to do, was wrong. Point is, I shouldn't have even had to ask him not to, to begin with.

**WildChild** · 04-04-2010 05:02 PM

Why not get into Planned Parenthood and get fitted for a diaphram? It gives you barrier and spermicide, is easy to use, won't mess up your hormones, and you get the full feeling.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-04-2010 05:21 PM

WC - that's definitely the plan.

Cept I'm gonna discuss the cervical cap (cup, whatever ha!

) because I've been researching and have read that the diaphragm may not be the best option for people who suffer frequently from bladder infections because the diaphragm lays up against the bladder. Really, I was just giving myself a few weeks of freedom from birth control. haha. I wanted to just kick back and enjoy the positive changes, while hopefully watching my sex drive come back etc, for this first month and just allow myself to be free of it all for a while. No pressure, no stress, nobody trying to fit something into vagina onto my cervix, just good happy feelings.

Then I figured by the end of my first real cycle, the sex drive would be back in full swing, and I could get a cervical cap and be rip roaring to go.

So...realistically, he only had to take full responsibility of birth control for 1 mth.