Thread: Time for an update

I've been posting on here since about October. A lot has happened since then, and some more progress since my last posts.

Lets see... My wife had her procedure done to remove a fibroid in her uterus in November at Thanksgiving. That went well, and she had her checkup yesterday, and all looks good. They scheduled (one last) appointment to do a final sonogram just to make sure there is no additional growth. The OB didn't see anything, this is just standard procedure just to make sure.

I actually went through with the vasectomy at the end of February, so she can get off of the BC pill, which she's been on for over 20 years. I thought it was time to allow her to get off those hormones, and hopefully allow her body to adjust to have some sort of sex drive. No woman needs to be on hormones for so long, it can't be good. The procedure went ok, but I think it would have been a lot better if the doctor would have provided something like nitrous oxide (laughing gas) like a dentist does, just to get the edge off. I never use the stuff at the dentist, but I would have with this procedure. It was not pleasant. But I figured it's the least I can do for her health and for our physical relationship improvement.

With the improvements in our marriage (sexual improvements) I'm finally starting to feel like a sexual person again. I haven't felt this way since before I stated dating my wife, way back in 1984. When I was 18. I was sexually active before her, then went cold turkey for 5 years (yes, I respected her premarital sex beliefs, but would not recommend it to anybody to go that long if you are a sexual person as I am), then with kids, home, activities, BC, etc. sex has been the last thing on the list for her, which I have been patient with and suffered through for 20 years.

Last night, after some "after work fun" I brought up some plans that I have, now that I'm sexually active. There are things to do, positions to try, places to do it in. Yes, I've collected a list over all these years and I hope to have some fun before I die. I even mentioned "threesome," which I knew she wouldn't ever do, but I mentioned it to let her know how adventurous I want to be. I'm treating sex now as another hobby of mine. When I get into something, I dive right in and do it right, and do a lot. Well, before I started the discussion, I hesitated, and asked her not to judge me. I said what I wanted to do, then asked her again not to judge me. She seemed open to trying different things (except for the threesome, but I'll work on her... [will never happen, but I can have dreams, can't I?]), and admitted that 10 years ago she would have responded differently. I said hey, just 2 years ago you would have, and she agreed. Seriously, 2 years ago she would have kicked me to the curb if I even suggest anything like watching some porn, or going doggy, or giving me a BJ. No lie. I had to tread very softly around her about sex or I'd be on the street.

She's come a long way. I just wanted to give an update, and hope that this will encourage others to try to work out their differences before you call it quits with the relationship. We still have work to do, I still have inner struggles, but I am realizing that she really does love me, and that it's still a partnership where compromises have to be made to keep the relationship strong. I have my days when I'm bothered by something she does (or more than likely, doesn't do, which floods my memories with the one sided marriage we've had all these years until now). She still has her demons to kill, as I do. Well, actually, her "demons" are angels. Mine I'll consider "demons" because it's been so against her Christian upbringing and morals. We're meeting in the middle now.

Whats coming up for us? I'll have my three month checkup at the end of May, and when the doctor confirms that my boys are no longer swimming, she'll get off the BC pill. Then hopefully within a few months she'll be back to her normal hormone levels and her sex drive will increase. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to God that will actually happen!

Well you two have been together for such a long time - it's good that you've been able to open the lines of communication in such a caring and respectful way. Even though she may not be willing to try a threesome (that's such "danger zone"!!) at least she knows that it's on your mind..... and it seems like there was no judgement on her side either. Intimacy is interesting - it's amazing how when you're really connected to someone, you can share thoughts and inner desires and NOT be judged!

Good for you for taking the burden of the birth control in your hands (or pants... hehehe...) especially considering her health concerns....

Good luck with everything!

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

I brought up some plans that I have, now that I'm sexually active. There are things to do, positions to try, places to do it in. Yes, I've collected a list over all these years and I hope to have some fun before I die. I even mentioned "threesome," which I knew she wouldn't ever do, but I mentioned it to let her know how adventurous I want to be. I'm treating sex now as another hobby of mine.

I am happy for you that you are discovering what you want so much, but I can't help but read your post and feel like your only concern is you you you. Maybe its not how you meant it. But its like... I want it my way, for me, because thats how I want it. You knew she would oppose a threesome , knew and brought it up anyway... I don't know if you are trying to loosen her up or scare her out of the bedroom

I'm a very sexual and sexually adventurous woman, but my guy bringing up something he KNEW I was opposed to on his wish list... while trying to butter me up for more sex would have the opposite of his desired result.

What about her list? What about her hobbies? What about the kind of fun she wants to have before she dies? I do not think you are as selfish as that paragraph came across.

From what I understood of your other posts, correct me if I am wrong, but that your wife wasn't that sexual and you were trying to open her up... thats a process and it sounds like rather than inviting her into your new view on YOUR sex life... you are going in with the big tanks steamrolling.

Not trying to judge you for wanting a healthy happy sex life. I want that too. Most sexual people do. I am just concerned for your tactics that they may do more harm than good if you go in the bedroom guns blazing... theres a new sherrif in town type thing

And another thing... I seriously thing it unfair of a husband to ask a wife for a threesome as part of a wishlist of fantasies they expect fullfilled. Unless discussed before commitment its very unfair to after promising to a person to be faithful only to them that you drop a whammy that in order for you to be sexually happy you need another person in the bedroom.

Like it should just be granted because its a desire you have developed. If a person man or woman wants a threesome when they are in a committed relationship... it can be brought up, in my opinion but once the other party shoots it down it should be left at that. Not something tossed in their face as if they are denying you just some simple sexual wish when essentially you are requesting infidelity which is the same thing you promised the person you wouldn't when you married them (unless you said promised the faithfulness except for in a few years when you want a threesome).

Sorry if that comes off harsh but expecting your wife to share in a sexual act with you isn't a demand or unrealistic expectation. Asking to bring another partner in the bedroom where they have stated clearly its not what they want... would be hurtful and increddibly unfair if its made to feel like the signficant other not wanting the threesome is somehow negligent to your sex needs.

Totally hear where you're coming from HD, but I didn't read it that way.... The way that I took it was that he was expressing desires, not trying to force wifey into something.... however, I totally agree that it shouldn't be something that's "granted" - or an "expectation" of any kind....

You could be totally right, and I the maroon!!!

Dork, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not going to defend my tactics, other than say it's been 25 years of her, and now it's my/our turn. This is ultimately for us, not just me me me. You homed in on one thing in the entire post I made. There is much more positive there than you are seeing. I said that of course I don't expect it to happen. I told her that so she knows I have desires and fantasies that I want to experience with her.

I could have left her years ago, but I chose to stick it out, be assertive for my needs, and champion change in our relationship.

So we'll agree to disagree.

Oh no, I think you should use whatever tactics you think will work. I was just giving you one woman's perspective on about how well that would go over with me. If I was just barely starting to open up to sex and things were getting better for me and my guy and all of a sudden he breaks out a laundry list of things and is like oh yep we're doing this and that and I want this and that... it would scare my panties right back on.

I don't understand how you've managed to last as long as you have in a relationship with such little sex, but then the indicators were there all along that sex just wasn't high up on her priority list and you decided to muddle through that part because you love her. Kudos for that.

I know if my boyfriend goes a couple days without sexual intimacy with me I start feeling bad so I can't imagine what you've went through for the last 20 years.

I just think if someone doesn't like to eat, and you've finally got them eating snacks regularly and sampling some of your favorite dishes and actually enjoying them.. insisting that they will now try every food known to man and buffets and all you can eats could just be a little overwhelming. But wish you the best of luck.