Girlfriend freezes up when I touch her. Need woman perspective

**northwestrain** · 04-16-2010 03:41 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years now. In the beginning the sex was something to behold. The best sex I had ever had and she said the same. This scenario is very common I am sure.

I was from the West coast and she was from the Southern coast. I moved all the way across the country to start my new life with her. By the time I got out to the East coast things had started slowing down. By the end of the first month we were down to sex once a week. We have been on that schedule with little change since. It is not even the times per week but the lack of desire. She wants me to just get on and get off and get off. I am not that type of person. I like to hang around and really enjoy the connection and closeness. She can’t quite understand this thinking that sex is all I think about and if once a week she takes one for the team she is doing her part.

She often freezes up when I touch her and really can’t bear thinking about anything but the missionary position and if it takes more than 5 minutes she starts to get really anxious. Most of the time when we are together she is looking off to the side just waiting for it to be over. If I try to touch her breasts she swats my hand away.

My mother is a mental health therapist. I grew up in the 80s and talking about sex and feelings was very much a norm in my house. My mom wanted me to grow up with a healthy view of women and sex. I feel like my mother achieved that. I am very patient, understanding, respectful and caring. I don’t cheat and I am just fine in a monogamous relationship as long as I feel like we are attracted to each other.

I look at sex as almost a religious experience and I want to experiment with my partner and really soak it up. We have bought books on the subject and she says she is too scared to read them by herself.

She says she is scared to really give it a good try because what if she can’t do it and loses the man she loves and wants to be with.

She wants me to lead the way but to me that is a little like asking someone to find you their favorite ice cream flavor with no feedback whatsoever.

How am I supposed to lead the way in her sexual discovery/healing? I am an out of the norm man but I am still a man! I don’t know how to fix her.

We have just reached a point where I can’t take it anymore.

I have told her I am leaving if we can’t make it better. Even with that she says she doesn’t have the courage to take it on.

We have explored the typical questions. She says she does like men and she doesn’t have any history of rape or abuse. I have offered her all the support and caring she wants to help her be comfortable and she says she can’t start the process. She is too scared.

I have never seen her scared of much in her life but this seems to be her kryptonite.

I have offered to do any exercise in any of the books with all the support and respect she wants. I just want to start moving forward. I feel like I can’t be the one to “fix” her sexually.

I feel like all I can do is be supportive while she takes it on step by step.

I love her very much. I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I don’t want to have someone that is not attracted to me that freezes up when I touch her sleepwalking through a sex life with me.

On top of all that I have this increasingly hard to control anger and resentment building and it is getting to an unhealthy level. I need a woman’s perspective on this whole thing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 03:54 PM

Your a free spirit.. You have been bought up that sex is intimate, a bond, and healthy.

From what you wrote, "sex was the best ever", it was just sex at that stage, then you fell for her, and then you wanted intimacy, and by that I mean, finding all her spots, hers yours, feeling the moment.. But, I think she is used to "sex" and doesn't know how to give, love, in an intimate way, sexually and really does have that fear.

It's up-bringing more so I believe... You come from two different worlds in that regard.

I think that she is happy to go on with life, with little sex, and only sex, and that your sexual partner, is not going to be what you want in life.

Your very deep.. She represses her thoughts. I can't see here, where she says anything other than " fear"..and no compromise... You've tried with books, that may actually make her feel inadequate to be honest. But, then you've tried the touch as well and she freezes.

I think that you can over come that side, because she stated she wants you to "lead the way"..

So instead of talks, discussions, books, or anger of her freezing. In my opinion, all you can do, is "continue" to lead the way and slowly let her decrease the fear, forget the freezing and not feel inadequate.

Your strong sexually, she isn't and the books, and discussions in my opinion are the problem. Your making her "sub-consciously" feel inadequate and fear, freeze up.. through that.

Stop talking.. stop making her read... Tell her she's beautiful and you love her and just continue showing her, slowly, and use that intimacy in addition, in other forms, such as touching her arm, shoulder, as you walk past her, a kiss on the forehead and walk away... Intimacy without sex... start putting her at ease that she doesn't have to compete, or fear, and let it start to become natural to her.. Don't get mad when she freezes, instead, kiss her on the forehead and catch her eyes and linger on that, smile at her... no words... and continue... unspoken language...

Then give it a little time... see what happens..

CW

**northwestrain** · 04-19-2010 01:29 PM

Thank you so much for your time and candor. I am living in a far off land and don’t have much access to good thoughtful advice. I am in a Latin culture and it is almost as shut down as far as feeling as the south. So thank you for your insight. Your words give me some hope. As far as the physical, I do most of the things that you are talking about. I try to kiss a lot without sex, we have been trying to be in bed and touch and kiss without sex but she just wants me to get on so her anxiety will go away and she can get credit for the time. As far as the looking her in the eye. She can’t do it for more that about 2 seconds. She covers my eyes and tells me to stop looking at her and just get on with it. When she complains about the cellulite on her legs I just say “I think you are beautiful”. I do push the books and talking a lot. I can be better and more patient and resist the urge to talk. I just have difficulty “pushing through” the blank stares, shudders, and freeze ups. It feels almost like rape in my head and is so far away from what I want sex to be. I feel like I have been patient for the last 3 years. I do my best to empathize with her on how hard this must be for her but I am just so angry! I do my best not to show it but it is getting to a point where sometimes when she shudders or gasps when I touch her I just get up and walk away and take a shower or whatever. I know how alone that must make her feel but sometimes I can’t stay with someone who can’t stand the touch of me. Like I am some kind of rapist or pervert. Other than this and talking about her feelings I am not sure if I have seen anything else get the best of her. She takes no excuses from herself or anyone else when she has a task to do, (she is highly accomplished in her field) I am having a hard time not being angry about how late in the game it is. She wants to have kids. (We are in our early 30s). She has family history with pregnancy problems. I have told her on many occasions that I am not ready to take that step with this problem in the way. She wants to have kids so bad I thought this may motivate her not as a stick but just because that is the truth. I would rather not have kids than have one into a sexless relationship. So here we are. I am just so exhausted. She wants me to lead the way and I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I am feeling around in the dark for the light switch that isn’t there! I just feel like running away and finding someone who can appreciate and compliment my caring and (what I think is) great and fertile ground for beautiful sex. I feel stupid because this is the third major relationship in my life that has ended up this way. This is also by far the worst. The first one had history of sexual abuse; the second one had a rape so I (thought I) was really careful to find someone that I wouldn’t have to go through all this stuff with. She didn’t have history of abuse (not that I would hold that against her. She could have really GREAT orgasms without help from me. I feel very confident in my O giving so I thought that would never be a problem. I really made a point of all that. I don’t even expect it to be problem free! All I want is someone who will work with me. I am so exhausted being the “fixer”. I just want a straight forward open caring sexual relationship. Not porno style with all kinds of weird stuff but just healthy. At this point I would be satisfied with the other person showing up and looking me in the eye. I can’t thank you enough for your time and advice. Any further correspondence will be much appreciated. Have you heard the story about the starfish? You made a difference with me. Thanks…

**brinababe** · 05-03-2010 11:22 PM

Originally Posted by northwestrain

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years now. In the beginning the sex was something to behold. The best sex I had ever had and she said the same. This scenario is very common I am sure.

I was from the West coast and she was from the Southern coast. I moved all the way across the country to start my new life with her. By the time I got out to the East coast things had started slowing down. By the end of the first month we were down to sex once a week. We have been on that schedule with little change since. It is not even the times per week but the lack of desire. She wants me to just get on and get off and get off. I am not that type of person. I like to hang around and really enjoy the connection and closeness. She can’t quite understand this thinking that sex is all I think about and if once a week she takes one for the team she is doing her part.

She often freezes up when I touch her and really can’t bear thinking about anything but the missionary position and if it takes more than 5 minutes she starts to get really anxious. Most of the time when we are together she is looking off to the side just waiting for it to be over. If I try to touch her breasts she swats my hand away.

My mother is a mental health therapist. I grew up in the 80s and talking about sex and feelings was very much a norm in my house. My mom wanted me to grow up with a healthy view of women and sex. I feel like my mother achieved that. I am very patient, understanding, respectful and caring. I don’t cheat and I am just fine in a monogamous relationship as long as I feel like we are attracted to each other.

I look at sex as almost a religious experience and I want to experiment with my partner and really soak it up. We have bought books on the subject and she says she is too scared to read them by herself.

She says she is scared to really give it a good try because what if she can’t do it and loses the man she loves and wants to be with.

She wants me to lead the way but to me that is a little like asking someone to find you their favorite ice cream flavor with no feedback whatsoever.

How am I supposed to lead the way in her sexual discovery/healing? I am an out of the norm man but I am still a man! I don’t know how to fix her.

We have just reached a point where I can’t take it anymore.

I have told her I am leaving if we can’t make it better. Even with that she says she doesn’t have the courage to take it on.

We have explored the typical questions. She says she does like men and she doesn’t have any history of rape or abuse. I have offered her all the support and caring she wants to help her be comfortable and she says she can’t start the process. She is too scared.

I have never seen her scared of much in her life but this seems to be her kryptonite.

I have offered to do any exercise in any of the books with all the support and respect she wants. I just want to start moving forward. I feel like I can’t be the one to “fix” her sexually.

I feel like all I can do is be supportive while she takes it on step by step.

I love her very much. I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I don’t want to have someone that is not attracted to me that freezes up when I touch her sleepwalking through a sex life with me.

On top of all that I have this increasingly hard to control anger and resentment building and it is getting to an unhealthy level. I need a woman’s perspective on this whole thing.

I am a firm believer in self discovery. Although my point of view is among many well thought out replies, think about it and see if she would take it into consideration.
If I was a gambler, I would bet girlfriend doesn't masturbate. If so, very rarely if at all. I am of the opinion that if she could try some self gratification techniques and become comfortable with her achieving satisfaction and orgasms alone.....she could also become more open to her intimacy with you. How about some porn sites for women.... a couple of toys, movie of men masturbating, a shower message. Let her get into some of these things without you. Eventually the hope is that you will be able to enjoy some of these things together. I wish you both a life time of intimacy

**Yvee** · 05-04-2010 01:03 AM

I had a similar problem (only I was in your girlfriends position) with my current partner. And to be honest that problems are far from over. However I found that it is harder to overcome the fear after talking about it. It is much better to just do something spontaneous, something that hasn't been talked about or planned out. Unfortunately that puts a lot of pressure on my boyfriend, but I think he's doing ok.
Maybe in a sense this is what she wants. You to be the leader and instead of asking her if she liked to do this or that just trying it.

Take it slow at first. I find it important to be able to see my partner.
If she doesn't want to do anything beyond missionary, there's a lot you can do with that too(e.g. Try different angles).

Hopefully I was a little helpful

Good luck!

**WildChild** · 05-04-2010 01:50 AM

Simple fact, you can't change her.
Only she can change her.

It is interesting that the sex was really good at first. I'm always baffled by people who do this, in my case I've known more than one man with whom the sex has been really good for a few months and then they just quit, quit putting any effort into it, having any fun, or even wanting sex. I've always assumed that some men just can't handle the idea of a woman who actually wants it. But I don't know what you can d do about it other than lovingly wish her well, say goodbye and free both of you to find someone sexually compatible.

**northwestrain** · 05-04-2010 08:41 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think the just doing it may be the answer. Not talking about it. I guess the hard part of that is it puts all the pressure on me. I really wanted her to take this on and figure it out for herself with my support. I can do what we need to do. I just get really frustrated trying to do this connected caring thing with someone who looks like they would like to be anywhere else than with me. Are you guys suggesting just pushing through all the blank stares into space, uneasy look on her face, and very apparent discomfort with the whole thing? But just doing it in a caring, patient, way? Is that really what a woman wants? I can do that if I have a sliver of hope. To be honest with you guys I am tired. Right when I think she is into it I see her face and am reminded just how much she is not into it and then I start feeling really uneasy and stupid for being into it. Like a fool you know. I can’t help but think “why are you even here doing this?” It feels kind of like rape (in a sense). I did speak with her about some of the advice I was getting from you guys and she seems to like the” just push through gently and not talk about it”. But again, it feels like a suicide mission. Like trying to find someone the house of their dreams with no feedback whatsoever, just a lot of no’s and failure to satisfy. But then you can’t talk to them about how many bedrooms, location (Detroit or Hawaii), how many square feet, in the country or city, or whatever else someone would have to know to help you find what YOU want. It just feels like darkness and uncertainty if I am even getting close. If you guys think this will work I can really put myself back into it and give it a few more months. It just doesn’t seem fair (like life is supposed to be fair right?). It just seems like she is almost working against me. I may sound like I’m ing (I guess I am) but I am just really frustrated. I would like to hear more from the woman who said she has had similar problems and how they are going today and how long it has been and how much better things are. Thanks again to everyone for your help. It really means a lot to me.

**northwestrain** · 05-04-2010 08:48 PM

She doesn't masterbate and really never has maybe once or twice. How often do women masterbate? I think that would be good for her too. She's not into it. I have tried to talk to her about it and she thinks it is dirty. She doesn't like it when I do it at all when we are together in bed. She says it makes her see me in a bad light. I could care less. It feels good to look at her and do that. I don't though because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Lots of things I have read give a lot of weight to this idea too that it is good for a woman to know her body. Any ideas on how to gently jump start this?

**JennieMay** · 05-04-2010 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by northwestrain

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years now. In the beginning the sex was something to behold. The best sex I had ever had and she said the same. This scenario is very common I am sure.

I was from the West coast and she was from the Southern coast. I moved all the way across the country to start my new life with her. By the time I got out to the East coast things had started slowing down. By the end of the first month we were down to sex once a week. We have been on that schedule with little change since. It is not even the times per week but the lack of desire. She wants me to just get on and get off and get off. I am not that type of person. I like to hang around and really enjoy the connection and closeness. She can’t quite understand this thinking that sex is all I think about and if once a week she takes one for the team she is doing her part.

She often freezes up when I touch her and really can’t bear thinking about anything but the missionary position and if it takes more than 5 minutes she starts to get really anxious. Most of the time when we are together she is looking off to the side just waiting for it to be over. If I try to touch her breasts she swats my hand away.

My mother is a mental health therapist. I grew up in the 80s and talking about sex and feelings was very much a norm in my house. My mom wanted me to grow up with a healthy view of women and sex. I feel like my mother achieved that. I am very patient, understanding, respectful and caring. I don’t cheat and I am just fine in a monogamous relationship as long as I feel like we are attracted to each other.

I look at sex as almost a religious experience and I want to experiment with my partner and really soak it up. We have bought books on the subject and she says she is too scared to read them by herself.

She says she is scared to really give it a good try because what if she can’t do it and loses the man she loves and wants to be with.

She wants me to lead the way but to me that is a little like asking someone to find you their favorite ice cream flavor with no feedback whatsoever.

How am I supposed to lead the way in her sexual discovery/healing? I am an out of the norm man but I am still a man! I don’t know how to fix her.

We have just reached a point where I can’t take it anymore.

I have told her I am leaving if we can’t make it better. Even with that she says she doesn’t have the courage to take it on.

We have explored the typical questions. She says she does like men and she doesn’t have any history of rape or abuse. I have offered her all the support and caring she wants to help her be comfortable and she says she can’t start the process. She is too scared.

I have never seen her scared of much in her life but this seems to be her kryptonite.

I have offered to do any exercise in any of the books with all the support and respect she wants. I just want to start moving forward. I feel like I can’t be the one to “fix” her sexually.

I feel like all I can do is be supportive while she takes it on step by step.

I love her very much. I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I don’t want to have someone that is not attracted to me that freezes up when I touch her sleepwalking through a sex life with me.

On top of all that I have this increasingly hard to control anger and resentment building and it is getting to an unhealthy level. I need a woman’s perspective on this whole thing.

Hi, I feel kind of the same way your girlfriend feels, except I'm Married, I've gained allot of weight through the years because of a medical problem, and so I just don't feel confident or comfortable with myself, also he's always been a selfish lover getting his and not caring if I got my fill, so that may be another reason for me not wanting to have sex with him any more, although I will have sex with him because of my wifly duty and thats it. I'm a Christian and don't beleave in devorce unless he cheats, that's the only time God permit one to get a devorce. All I can ask you is are you satisfying her needs, if not she may be feeling the same way as me, and she doesn't know how to tell you without hurting you. My husband knows about my frustration and He doesn't care as long as he gets his weather it's a quiky with me or his hand and his computer porn, All I can do is pray for him. I still love him, because sex isn't the only thing you should stay with a person for. It is a commitment for life when you get married. I hope this helps you.
JM

**JennieMay** · 05-04-2010 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by northwestrain

She doesn't masterbate and really never has maybe once or twice. How often do women masterbate? I think that would be good for her too. She's not into it. I have tried to talk to her about it and she thinks it is dirty. She doesn't like it when I do it at all when we are together in bed. She says it makes her see me in a bad light. I could care less. It feels good to look at her and do that. I don't though because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Lots of things I have read give a lot of weight to this idea too that it is good for a woman to know her body. Any ideas on how to gently jump start this?

I can tell you that when I first did it infront of my husband, he enjoyed watching me, but the next day he was making fun of women masterbation, and he was 20 years old then, not fully grown in his sexuality, and that kind of stayed with me for a long time so I don't feel comfortable with doing that infront of him unless the lights are out and he can't see me.
JM