okay i thought having an orgasm

**lilylavendar** · 04-18-2010 12:41 AM

okay i thought having an orgasm with somone other than my vibrator, was going to make me happy, but here i am crying. it's been awhile. he was a friend. we shouldn't have done it. i gave myself away. i feel like i betrayed myself. it felt good for awhile, but now i regret it. he's in there snoring. and i'm here crying. i hate myself. i kept telling myself it would be okay. it's been so long. he's a good person. and respects me. but why do i feel so bad? it makes me mad. it's not fair. i had an o and i can't even enjoy it. i'm here bawling. maybe it was just to much. i shouldn't even be talking about it. i'm sorry, i had a few drinks. and i cried. and it happened. i used to enjoy these moments of intimacy. but here i am. complaining about it? too short? i don't know anymore. sometimes i wonder if i should just stay to myself. what's going to happen in the morning? it's been a long time since i've been with anyone. and here i am talking about it. that's embarassing to me. i feel like an idiot.

i know i;m not. it just built up to it. am i apologizing to myself now> that makes me mad too. all these feelings pouring out.

all mixed up into one. and in a couple of weeks he is going to be gone to a new job. and be gone on long times away from home town. and here i am. what did i do? i made love to someone. my friend. i've known for a while. we went to school together. but never dated. and known each other again for about a year. won't say where we met back up. but in a holy place anyway. so now i feel even worse. but id on't know. holy cow. cow. cow. cow.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-18-2010 12:47 AM

Is there a question here? I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but it doesn't seem like we can really help

This is why one night stands are never a good thing. I'm not really seeing the cause of the problem here, just the effect. Just remember everything heals with time, and you'll feel alot better when the alcohol leaves your system (it is a depressant after all)

**happy ending** · 04-18-2010 01:09 AM

it sounds like you feel a bit confused and vulnerable. sex can change things. hope you feel better soon.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-18-2010 01:22 AM

Is there a question here? I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but it doesn't seem like we can really help

Actually yes we can

Lily... The only reason why you feel bad is because you have high Morals right? And, as such, you feel as if you just did something bad.. well you didn't...

Understand, you did something that "you" wanted to do...

Our up-bringing can make us close up and forget that we are allowed to be who we are, who we want to be and in that, we are allowed to let go, sometimes and do things on the spur of the moment, or something that we "want to do".. It does NOT mean that we do not have morals. It means that we are free, to make our own decisions and if that means that you wanted to experience an orgasm, by someone you "KNOW" respects you, you "KNOW" understands your nature, your persona, and it was an equal thing, then please don't even contemplate feeling bad..

Walk tall tomorrow, smile in the knowing that you had fun, you did something you wanted to do and you "trusted" him to be the person to do it with...

You can continue down the same path of sacrificing yourself again, for that special person you want to enter your life... there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with being "cheeky" and doing something random..

Trust what you believe, and state. He respects you.. and he will tomorrow as well..

Too many girls think that by doing something out of their nature, or believe it's out of their nature, they are bad... When in fact, all they are is human doing something that they "need/want" and being themselves..

Never doubt yourself. You know who you are.. No one can judge that but you.

CW

**WildChild** · 04-18-2010 07:05 AM

IF you enjoyed it, you came, you aren't cheating, what's the problem? Did you use protection for STIs and pregnancy?
Sweetheart, your sexuality isn't a prize or a reward or something you have to ration, it's for YOUR pleasure. You shared that with a freind. That is just fine. It doesn't make you a ho, it just means you are human. This is only a problem if you make it one.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-18-2010 08:37 AM

So, you had a bit of an emotional melt down.... that's okay.

You may have a problem allowing yourself to be vulnerable (I know I do), and so you put yourself in a position to be vulnerable and so you are punishing yourself for it. "Bad BAD girl. You're such a bad person for sleeping with this person and for experiencing pleasure. You're BAD BAD BAD". Okay...doesn't sound so rational when you say it like that huh? Why? Because you're NOT bad, you did something you WANTED to do, you ENJOYED it, and now you must be punished? Nope. Stop. There's nothing to punish yourself for.

Some people aren't cut out of purely sexual relationships, or friends with benefits types of relationships. I'm one of those people...could just never seem to truly enjoy anything other than the thought of it. Maybe you just need more than that to truly be happy. But see, last night, what you needed was the physical connection with a man, an orgasm, sexual satisfaction........and you got it!

You feel the need to be punished for this act.... and so that's what you're doing. Ask yourself why? You're the only one who has the power to make that stop. You had consensual sex with another adult, and you had an orgasm...... what's so bad about that?

**lilylavendar** · 04-19-2010 09:04 PM

everyone is right. i just over-reacted. i went back to back and in the morning, laughed it off. it was a little bit goofy. anyway, he's here now. again. but he is snoring. again. we spent the day together. and then he came back tonight. and i feel okay about it. your right, upbringing, and esp. where i live there are pressures to have higher morals. but we are both healthy adults, and haven't been in a relationship in a while. he makes me smile. and i'm okay with it. don't know what will come of it. but we are friends. and at least we have that. we talked about it today. i think we both had some hesitation the other night, well, at first anyway...,but it seems like we've been together for a long time. i feel myself opening up, just a little. i have a long ways to go. anyway, i guess i didn't post a question above, i was a little tipsy. but anyway, safe sex all the way or none.
now that it happened, are we going to still remain friends? i don't want to keep my hopes up to high. i don't want to push him away. because i do like him. he's strong, and has beautiful eyes.
And I don't want to punish myself, or neglect myself anymore.

**lilylavendar** · 04-19-2010 09:08 PM

by the way, posting and being tipsy at the same time...probably TMI. I got on here tonight and started looking around, briefly remembering typing on here, but wondered where it was at. Alas, I found it

but that's okay. i can handle it.

**lilylavendar** · 04-19-2010 09:12 PM

wow, Lily is REAL. sometimes i wonder about myself. i've felt like a robot for a long while. this is a wake-up call i guess. i am real. i am a woman. i can be happy. i can feel good about myself, and my choices. now if i can just hold onto all of that every day, i've got a good start again. remembering when i used to be more confidant in myself.

**WildChild** · 04-19-2010 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by lilylavendar

wow, Lily is REAL. sometimes i wonder about myself. i've felt like a robot for a long while. this is a wake-up call i guess. i am real. i am a woman. i can be happy. i can feel good about myself, and my choices. now if i can just hold onto all of that every day, i've got a good start again. remembering when i used to be more confidant in myself.

Good for you. Hold that thought, it's all too easy to slip into self abusing, self talk. These positive thoughts will serve you well.