If you couldn't....... ? A question for the men (ladies chime in too!)

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-18-2010 07:03 AM

So gentlemen.... here you are, on a Womens Message Forum and you get to see ALL of the issues we deal with, and even our most private ones about sex. Commonly you see the posting from women about having an orgasmless sexual relationship. Actually it's SO common for women to be unable to orgasm through sex with their partners that the percentage is WAY up there (its been quoted here before, but I don't want to get it wrong...so I'll shush).

As we all know, it is way less common for a man to have this issue. Most men can reach orgasm with their hands, with a toy, with...well...anything.

And we all also know that the release men feel and need is a result of ejaculation. So I ask you, to take yourself into another world for a moment. Close your eyes and truly imagine yourself in an orgasmless relationship...one where you can have sex, but that sex never leads to ejaculation? What does that do to your sex drive with your partner? What does that do to your sexual desire for your partner?

Tell us, what do you think this type of world would be like for you?

**ocularone** · 04-18-2010 07:55 AM

I am not the best person to voice an opinion on this but i guess i will anyways.
IMO, it definitely would be frustrating. I think a large part of how i felt about it, and my level of frustration depended on exactly the reason i wasn't able to reach orgasm. Is it because i have issues that i have a hard time reaching orgasm no matter what is happening in bed? or is it because my partner doesn't care to help me do so? Let's consider the former: If i were having just some sort of issues, whicn in turn, made it practically impossible for me to ejaculate. Even if my partner did everything i needed and was a very attentive and giving lover, i just couldn't reach orgasm for some reason. I would DEFINITELY be extremely frustrated and honestly probably quite humiliated. However, i honestly don't think it would affect my relationship with my partner. I am assuming i can still reach orgasm through masturbation, just not sex? I think i could live with the work-arounds of that. I would feel bad for my partner for sure. I would feel inadequate and down right crappy. My frustration would only be with myself. Now lets pretend i have the potential or reaching ejaculation through sex, but my partner is just an extremely selfish lover who is only out to "get hers" and isn't even concerned with giving me what i need to reach that. What a dismal thought....

Not only would i be sexually frustrated, but incredibly hurt as well. Knowing what i could possibly have with my partner, if they just helped me and cared about making me feel wonderful. To me that relationship would have severe issues. I'm not sure if that sounds shallow or not- Just because my partner wouldn't help me ejaculate during sex, i would potentially end the relationship? Yes, it sounds bad but i think it shows signs of deeper problems in our relationship. I know what i want in a partner. In my mind i don't say: "I need a girl who will make me ejaculate!" i say: "I want a women who loves me enough that she WANTS to please me, just as i want to please her. I want a women who craves to see my reach orgasm because she loves to see my pleasure." It's no different than just like everytime my girlfriend is thirsty and we are snuggling on the couch- i LOVE to run grab her a glass of water or whatever she wants. Not because i feel like i should, but because i LOVE to serve her, to lavish her with extreme kindness. The great thing is she is the exact same way. We compete to serve each other and to please one another. The same would go in the bed too. I would crave to please my love, to feel her topple over the edge of pure ecstacy. To do anything and everything she needed to feel amazing. I COMPLETELY get off on pleasing her, just as she does me. So in short, the relationship where i couldn't ejaculate just because i can't have the attention that i need from my partner. I highly doubt it would even work out between us..I would hate the thought of only ever being able to reach ejaculation through masturbation. Whether because of my own fault, or because i just have a selfish lover. Either way, it sounds miserable, but at least with scenario one, there is still a strong relationship.. I'm pretty sure none of this has made any sense but there is my two cents

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-18-2010 08:19 AM

Well lets say that it wasn't really anything your partner was or wasn't doing, as with the case of many women, it's just perhaps that they are unable to reach orgasm through actual sex. Many women who can't, can turn around and climax easily with their toy, but can't with their man. So lets say you weren't able to ejaculate while having sex with your gf/wife, but could ejaculate through masturbation. What do you think that would do to your sex life? Not to say you wouldn't still love your partner and want to please them....but what do you think it would do to your sex life, your desire to have intercourse, etc?

**WildChild** · 04-18-2010 08:32 AM

Some points here- men don't have to ejaculate to orgasm (tantra teaches this) nor does ejaculation require orgasm (ex:some cases of milking the prostate). Many women are literally short circuited due to early training and even though their brain activity will show that they have orgasmed, they will not have recognized or felt it.

**ocularone** · 04-18-2010 08:35 AM

honestly i don't think it would have too huge an impact on my actual sexual drive. I know for us guys, once we get turned on it's hard to shut it down unless we get that release. So i think as long as i was able to have that release after intercourse, i would be alright. My sex drive would still be high and i would still love to make love to my partner. Probably the best case scenario for me, in that case, would be to try our best to both reach orgasm, but when she does reach orgasm and is satisfied, i would probably ask if she could be the one to masturbate me. Right then and there. That way, the post-coital snuggling could commence! Otherwise, with me not having the release i need would make it EXTREMELY difficult for me to be close and just snuggle

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-18-2010 09:36 AM

Good point WC. I shouldn't have used the word "orgasm" I suppose, it was sort of meant to be a thought provoking thing for the guys. It's so common that women struggle with their ability to achieve (feel or enjoy) orgasm during sex, yet in relationships are still expected to be sexual beings, and want to have sex regularly. It seems the common belief that a womans climax, is the equivalent to a mans ejaculation because most men refer to that moment as their moment of climax.

I know that for me personally, when it comes to sex, what I crave the most is what brings me to that climax. If I can reach that point of climax with a guy but can reach it with my toy, I crave sex with the guy less and more of the toy. I think it's human nature to desire most what makes you feel the best. I look back in my past and the tmes when my sex drive was the highest, were times when I was able to achieve orgasm almost every single time. My purpose in the post was to provoke thought in men, if this were the scenario for YOU, do you think you'd still crave sex from your partner as much as you do now?

Probably the best case scenario for me, in that case, would be to try our best to both reach orgasm, but when she does reach orgasm and is satisfied, i would probably ask if she could be the one to masturbate me

That would be ideal, yes, but don't you think it would be hard eventually for her not to take it personally when sex with her couldn't please you, and she had to masturbate you every time in order to get you off? It would also be ideal for the ladies who suffer this problem to have their toy handy and after their man gets off, ask him to use the toy on her to get her off....BUT, wouldn't that be a bit damaging to his ego if he had to do that every time knowing that he alone couldn't please her? Hence, the reason many women fake orgasms.

**jns** · 04-18-2010 10:44 AM

I think having the ability to orgasm gives many empathy to what their SO would feel during their orgasm. If you are in love, why wouldn't you want your partner to experience such an event? Having your SO not experience that would be frustrating. And not experiencing it yourself would possibly lead to not having that empathy. At 51, I am happy with not orgasming myself if I can get my SO to orgasm. Bonding seems to be tightened by orgasms due to brain chemistry. Sex without orgasm probably releases some chemicals, but more are released at climax.

**Anon_1990** · 04-18-2010 10:55 AM

It Is such a good feeling to make the girl you love cum her breasts off (excuse the graphics), but if you can't for whatever reason, see past it and try different methods and positions.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-18-2010 11:05 AM

I might not be the best person to answer this question since I orgasm from sex with my boyfriend probably 7 out of every 10 times... and he gives me and orgasm prior to sex from foreplay about half the time we have sex and gives me an orgasm through manual/oral or giving me intimacy while I masturbate after sex at the drop of hat when I give the slightest hint of still having a desire for more.

So I kind of am never left out in the cold on orgasms, but on the rare occasion I don't reach orgasm through sex with my guy... I enjoy the sex. I enjoy the sensations, I enjoy watching him/feeling him reach his orgasm, I enjoy the intimacy and find it very satisfactory.

I get off on pleasing my boyfriend about as much as I get off from my own orgasm so I think even if I reached one through masturbation and not with him that my drive to be intimate and close and giving him pleasure would be just as strongly for me whether or not I orgasmed during that same experience.

But if he never offered me an experience that focused on my pleasure, like manually or orally pleasing me or caressing me while I masturbated, if he never cared about my orgasms ever... I think I would probably grow resentful of having sex that was soley for his ultimate pleasure and not mine.

But if he did all the things to make me feel good and I just didn't happen to reach the O during sex with him... it would not turn me off sex with him... it would probably lead into a more exploratory role to try to find ways to make it happen with him.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-18-2010 01:32 PM

Well first of all theres a difference between orgasms and muscle spasms. A true orgasm is the brain releasing all these chemicals that make you feel like you're literally burning with a fire of pleasure.

It has also been proven women experience MUCH more intense and pleasurable orgasms, and for the average man his only lasts about 8 seconds. Women can also experience multiple chains of orgasms within minutes of eachother, but the average man's refractory period is about 15 minutes.

Now with that said, the majority of people unable to orgasm during sex have this problem mentally, not physically. One problem women don't have is impotence. Even with a low sex drive, there is nothing her body really needs to do for sex.

There are many men out there who can't finish up with their partner, even in a serious and loving relationship.

However, another problem is men are not mind readers, and can't be born with the knowledge of what makes their girl feel good. A LOT of women never help a guy figure out what she likes. Instead she lies on her back and waits for him to give her one, but gets upset if he cant.

It really is a two way street. This isn't just a problem with women. This is an illusion caused by gender inequality. If there is a trust issue or anxiety within the person, male or female, they are going to have a problem reaching climax.