Just found out my wife has been masturbating twice a week for years

**MiniVanMan** · 04-20-2010 11:33 AM

Greetings. It's been a long time.

My wife and I have been going through rough times in our marriage for quiet a while. A major reason for me being dissatisfied with our marriage has been the lack of sex. I mean once a month AT MOST for 20 years, and we recently went without for 6 months. She's always been the asexual one, all the while knowing how important sex is to me.

We're in couples counseling, and our counseling session yesterday revealed that she's been masturbating twice a week for many years, and I had no idea this was going on.

Why is this a problem? Here's why:

1) She's always been the one to say no to sex, yet all this time pounding it out 2x a week without me. I feel shocked, hurt, confused, and betrayed. If this had been going on since day one, and I knew about it, it wouldn't be a problem. But the fact that she's kept it from me while refusing sex is devastating. She's known about my masturbation since before we got married.

2) She's got me going to a sex therapist for what she calls my "all-consuming" need for sex and masturbation. She says that masturbation takes the place of intimacy in our relationship, yet at the same time she says she doesn't need sex for intimacy, she can get it in other ways. Sex or no sex, it doesn't matter. Of course, it matters to me.

When I asked her how my masturbation is so different from what she's doing, she said that she can do it for 5 minutes and get on with her life, whereas I have this (to use her phrase again) "all-consuming" need that takes time away from other important things. How much time she thinks I'm spending I don't know. I should ask her. But I can tell you it's about 15-30 minutes a week. Sometimes less. Occasionally maybe 45. Not that much more than the 10 minutes she's spending.

She also says that she can be sexual with or without me, it doesn't matter. She gets horny, I'm not home, so she takes care of it herself. I do the same, only it does matter. I'd prefer sex with her! Why is what I'm doing so different that it requires a sex therapist?

She admits that when we do have sex she enjoys it very much, but the reason we hardly ever do it is that she rarely feels emotionally connected to me. I can't help but assume that it's also because she's been masturbating twice a week.

I see my sex therapist today. We'll see what he says. For now I've been up almost the whole night unable to deal with this new knowledge. It's really bothering me.

What do you think? Is my reaction unreasonable?

Thanks.

- MiniVanMan

**MiniVanMan** · 04-20-2010 12:18 PM

Why did my post start out with a thumbs down? It was there the instant I submitted it!

**Fallen1** · 04-20-2010 12:39 PM

Welcome back! It has been quite a while.

I am not sure why you got the thumbs down. Maybe one of the other mods have seen this before.

As far as your issue at hand -

I think your reaction is very reasonable. I don't understand why you need a therapist because of your need for sex and masturbation. Isn't she "guilty" of the same thing as she's calling you on?

I also feel that her reasoning for not having sex often (because she feels no emotional connection with you) is just an excuse. Isn't sex one of the ways you further and nurture an emotional connection with your partner?

**A Dying Breed** · 04-20-2010 01:00 PM

Thats just the little symbol that shows with the title. it doesnt mean anything.

Well first of all I think it's safe to say your wife is being a hypocrite and is not innocent in this.

From what I can tell, sex is not the problem here. Believe it or not the bedroom can be affected by the outside world. She says she doesnt feel as connected to you as she used to be.

You arent 100% to blame here though, because no matter what the problem is, she isn't helping.

She is actually making the problem worse by fristrating you, confusing you, and making you feel isolated. Now I am not going to say sex is the solution, no sex is definitely going to complicate things.

That said, it seems her problems with you are on an emotional level, not a physical one. Just because she gets horny does not mean she wants to have sex if she is angry at you. It could also be worse, because at least she isn't cheating.

What you need to do is resolve the other problems the two of you have. Things are not going to get better at all until she can start to connect with you again.

Now we dont know the other problems going on, so its hard for us to offer more solutions or be able to see who is actually in the wrong here, if either of you are.

From one guy to another, good luck mate

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-20-2010 02:46 PM

"No emotional connection", means that she can't be intimate with you..

But "sex" with you, when that occurs, is fine, as it's extra to what she is currently doing.

There is more a problem I think with "connection" between you two, which then takes away the sex, because she doesn't feel close, emotionally attached, anymore.

She definately is trying to turn what she is doing into "ok" and what you are doing to "not ok", it's the blame game, it's her trying to justify that she is not caring, trying, it's kind of a waste I think to do councelling or therapy when one person, refused to acknowledge their own faults.

Welcome back by the way

In my opinion the only way to solve this is to get the spark back, of "lust/love", before the sexual side re-connects and I don't know how you are going to do that, but that's the area you need to concentrate on if you can...

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-20-2010 02:54 PM

You have every right to feel hurt. I would be devistated. I understand how deceived you must feel right now. Especially since she put you in sex therapy for masturbating... when she doesn't even want sex with you. She wants you to be asexual because she is. Thats unfair on its own. But now it turns out even SHE isn't as asexual as she wants to be.

Hopefully in therapy you can find out what she means by there is no emotional connection during your sex that she manages to get from you in other ways.

**stressed** · 04-20-2010 02:54 PM

I think the key phrase here is: "She admits that when we do have sex she enjoys it very much, but the reason we hardly ever do it is that she rarely feels emotionally connected to me."

This tells me that she enjoys the physical aspect of it but she's not connected with you emotionally and I think that's serious and not an excuse. She might be seeing you as a friend more than a husband and she's used to excluding you from sexual activities by masturbating. She might have started masturbating at some point when she started losing this connection with you.

It's not that she doesn't enjoy it, is that she doesn't want it. I don't think masturbating twice a week is the reason why she doesn't want sex, it's not common with women as they don't need to "save it" for the sex like men do. I think it's more likely that she masturbates twice a week because she needs a release and that's far as it goes for her. She obviously doesn't want to include you in her fantasies and probably doesn't see you as a sexual partner.

Stay with the counseling and see what happens. She might open up more about it and you can reach the root of the problem.

**MiniVanMan** · 04-20-2010 11:28 PM

It really is nice to be back. I can always count on you all for clarity and unfettered opinion.

One thing that has come up several times in and out of counseling is that she's never felt that she could keep up with my sex drive. Several times a week for her was just unthinkable. But now, with this masturbation revelation (isn't that a rock band?), it seems to me that that was all BS. If she can cork it off twice a week alone, then what's to keep her from involving me? It's all so hurtful right now.

Just tonight we had a long animated and sometimes heated discussion. So much so that for both of us there were tears, and at times so much angst that we were talking in those squeaky breathless voices people use when they're desperate and frustrated. One thing that I took away from it was how flippant she was about her masturbating. She kept telling me that it's not big deal. It's just something she does, and it doesn't mean anything. So why am I freaking out over this?

She also made it absolutely clear that for our relationship to work we MUST voice our needs and wants without having to be asked. She said we have to see each other's side of things, and make adjustments for the other. I'm not describing this very well, but the main point was her renewed commitment to our marriage. She said "We HAVE to make this work!" as the tears rolled down her cheek.

I was quite moved by her conviction, although I'm still not convinced staying together is the best thing for both of us.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-21-2010 12:18 AM

She doesn't understand what the big deal about her masturbating is... yet she had you go to sex therapy because of YOUR masturbation. She didn't want to have sex with you, she didn't want you do have sex with yourself... so much so that she wanted you in therapy for it... Basically she wanted you sexless, while she continued to masturbate and be as sexual as she wanted to be.

Selfish much? Controlling much? Contradictive and confusing much? Good grief you have your hands full --- good luck with the counseling, I do mean that sincerely, not in a saracastic way.

A lot of women here come upset about their significant others masturbation, but its associated with them wanting more sex and their man being too tired for sex and not too tired for porn/masturbation. I've yet to hear a women complain of her mans masturbation while also being vocal about not wanting to have sex with them.

Something has to give. If you don't want to have sex with your partner, don't want them to masturbate, you are saying they can't be sexual at all. Thats horrid. But to do that while all the time being sexual... its... atrocious.

She talks about voicing your wants and needs... sounds like you have been doing that all along and that she's ignored them. Unless there is a huge chunk you're not revealing it sounds like she is the one that may be in a lot more need of a sex therapist.

I agree with stressed that her masturbating twice a week wouldn't keep her from sex with you. Unlike men, women generally don't have a refractory period and are able to perform sex as often as they organically want it and with a bottle of lube and desire to please their partner... even when they don't organically want it.

She feels physical pleasure from your sex... but no emotional connection. Yet she feels like there are other ways to be emotionally connected to you outside sex. So..... what is preventing her from doing just that. Sex with you for pleasure, emotional connection in other ways.

To be honest it sounds like she has no idea what she wants, hopefully therapy can help her sort that out. You sound like a patient and loving man. I hope she gets the help she needs , that you as a couple get the help you need and survive this.

How is your relationship outside of sex? Are you guys a happy couple outside of the bedroom?

**MiniVanMan** · 04-21-2010 07:32 AM

A brief bit of background about me going to sex therapy.

It was our couples counselor who first recommended a sex therapist. This was in response to my wife saying that I think about and want to have sex, or masturbate, so much that it was affecting other parts of my life. She felt that it was making an already shy and solitary person ever more withdrawn. If I put a fraction of that energy, she said, into social and communicative interaction with others I would be a happier person. This is what she meant when she said that sex is all-consuming for me. Our couples counselor took this as a sign of a problem in our marriage.

Again, she said that she can take five minutes out of her day to masturbate and be done and not give it a second thought, but she said for me sex and masturbation are things I think about and fret about and plan for all the time. I think that's mostly true. And it's mostly true because I'm not getting enough as it is.

Admittedly, sex has been a very very important thing in my life for almost as long as I can remember. I mean, masturbating is one of my earliest memories. I think I was unusual, even for a guy, to be masturbating for years before I could even ejaculate. Must have started around age 7 or so.

Sorry to digress, but I just wanted to explain where she was coming from. I believe sex really is more ingrained in me than it is for most other men.

I don't think she wants me sexless. She wants me to engage in her emotionally/intimately enough to make her want to have sex with me, and I'm not meeting that need. And me being "preoccupied" with sex is at the expense of our emotional intimacy as a couple.

But I'm still wrestling what she told me before, that she:

Needs intimacy from husband => sex not required, but is "nice to have"
Needs sex => husband not required, but is "nice to have"

I mean jeez, where is: Needs sex => husband required (or at least preferred)?