Thread: No sex before marriage - honorable? Fairy tale?

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Because they're actually more successful or because those couples come from cultures where divorce is less acceptable?

I believe both. In their culture, they believe that both need to learn to love eachother and do their best to make it better in time, and that a divorce is unacceptable so you should always deal with it no matter what.

In our culture, divorce is encouraged as soon as a problem is encountered. We could literally dissolve our marriage if the other person changed their hair color. So it's their culture that leads them to success in marriage

I've been trying to figure out how to answer this question.
In this context does sex = penetration? Or sex is anything that causes bodily fluids to be discharged (orgasm through oral, hand, etc stimulation, for both genders)?
In the pure sense, I think sex = discharge. But these days people say oral sex isn't really sex since penetration doesn't occur. But in a long term relationship, for those that are abstaining from penetration sex for religious reasons, I totally understand the need for other forms of stimulation. Abstaining from any form of sex for a long time when in a committed relationship is very hard to do and unnatural.
I've personally experienced not having penetrating sex for 5 years. Even that is hard to do when you love somebody and are so attracted to them physically that you can't stand it. But it's better than nothing.
Based on my experience, I don't recommend abstaining from penetrating sex for couples in a long term relationship. Maybe for the first 6 months or year. That would be honorable. That's valuable time together to determine sexual compatibility. As important as sex is in a marriage, and to not waste time dating somebody that you plan on marrying that you later find out doesn't care for sex like you do or as often as you do, sex while dating and engagement is necessary to get an idea of what your future life together will be like. But the problem is, even if the couple isn't that sexually compatible, love does blind, and they more than likely will be fooled into thinking that after marriage things will change and get a lot better, where in fact, in most cases, it gets worse with the responsibilities of raising a family.
So if you have sex before marriage (which I recommend), take off the love blinders for a while and take a serious look at your sexual compatibility before you tie the knot.

So my answer is: it's honorable in theory, but a fairy tale thinking that your sexual relationship will get better when you finally do get married.

I like this thread.

Waiting for sex until marriage, is it honorable? Sure. Not from a religious standpoint but from one of exhibiting a tremendous amount of self control in order to not hinder the connection on an emotional level. When the pressures of sex are not involved, it's amazing how much you learn about each other, and how you truly connect and grow your "FRIENDSHIP". *gasp* Yes I said it. When people are asked what they want in a partner, one of the things many say is "I want someone who can be my best friend". Much of the lack of respect, lack of empathy, lack of compassion in relationships comes from the fact that if the couple weren't in a relationship, they truly wouldn't choose each other as friends.

The way in which you establish your relationship is crucial to the long term results of your relationship, IMO. If you establish it on physical attraction and sex, then you will stifle the growth of a "friendship". However, if you establish it on physical attraction, emotional connection, compatibility, compassion, friendship and self control, then you have the FOUNDATION already prepared to build the house upon. Too many relationships attempt to build the house and then somehow squeeze in a decent foundation underneath it.

I think we all would be amazed at how much better sex would be if we had a foundation first. While this doesn't necessarily mean wait to have sex until married, it does mean, wait to have sex, don't make it a priority in a new relationship.

I for one have done just what I said above, I have built houses and then tried to create a foundation after the fact. Doesn't work for me.

Will they be disappointed on their wedding night? Eh...well I mean if they have done their research and have talked with friends, no...they'll probably know just what to expect. And at that point, they have such a solid foundation, they can laugh about it, and keep practicing and exploring together.

I think a couple can wait for sex until marriage and it not lead to possible disaster or unhappiness as long as they are VERY VERY open and honest about their wants and needs and expectations ahead of time.

If they both masturbate and are comfortable with sex and know and can express what they want to feel and are compatible with their desires ... it would be a lot more 'safe' than just keeping quiet and hoping the other will match you in the bedroom after marriage.

A couple where both parties want to wait, a couple where both parties don't want to wait both of those couples have a way higher chance of having compatible content happy sex lives later. Either because sex is important to both of them, or not important to either of them

BUT... If one partner wants to wait and the other doesn't... that right there can be an indicator of incompatability and possible mismatched priorities in and and out of the bedroom later on.