No sex before marriage - honorable? Fairy tale?

**Mes T** · 04-22-2010 02:13 AM

I want to collect some thoughts from you guys on couples who decide to remain celibate until marriage.

- What do you think are their reasons for doing so? Cultural, religious, Hollywood/Disney/Romance novel influences?

- Do you respect these couples' decision?

- And finally, at the end of the day, is it a good idea? Are these couples taking sex more seriously than it should be? Are they setting their honeymoon night up for failure because of lack of experience from both sides?

Thanks!

**A Dying Breed** · 04-22-2010 02:34 AM

Well I don't think sex should be restricted for only marriage, but I also don't belive in sex with "no strings attached". I believe sex should be between two people who love eachother, whether they are married or not. That said, sex can make or break a relationship. I definitely respect any couple who decides to get married without having sex, as long as they arent getting married just to have sex lol.

Also, I believe nobody should remain celibate just for religious reasons. I think it should be personal, such as saving yourself for only one person that you love, not just because your priest told you too.

I do think they are taking sex too seriously. But I think taking sex too seriously is better than not taking it seriously enough.

And while I don't think they are just setting themselves up for sexual disaster, they should definitely do research, read some literature, do some homework, and decide to plan out what they are going to do and then how they are going to do it. Then later on they can start having that spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor

Well, thats my .02

P.S. my girlfriend says that nobody should make that decision based on the media or religion, but based on their feelings for the person they love and the value they have for marriage.

**Texinator** · 04-22-2010 02:37 AM

To each their own, so I'm not going to ridicule the couples that make this decision.. but I think it's a very bad idea. Sex is not the most important part of a healthy relationship but sexual compatibility can make a huge difference. I don't think it's a good idea to wait until marriage to find out whether you're sexually compatible with partner.

Having sex before marriage obviously doesn't guarantee that couples discover any incompatibilities before they tie the knot, in part because compatibility can change over time, but I figure it at least gives the couple a better opportunity to make as informed a decision as possible about what they're going to do.

**stressed** · 04-22-2010 02:38 AM

I think that couples should have sex at most during the engagement stage, not wait until marriage. This is why engagement used to be so valuable for and why it was the stage where the couple would start living together. So that they would see if they can live together, if they match as much as they believe they do and if they have made the right decision. Sex is also, typically, a part of engagement. If everything feels wonderful at this stage then making the next step to marry is usually a good decision. If not, then it's easier to break up an engagement than file for a divorce.

Having said that, I think that waiting for marriage to have sex can be dangerous, even if both parties have the same approach on the subject (not to mention what can happen if one of the two wants sex sooner). There may be sexual mismatch, they may find that it is not what they had been dreaming of and feel disappointed in their partner.

I don't think it's a matter of experience as much as both knowing what the other wants and if they like the same things. I know couples who have waited and loved it, but I also know couples who've broken up right before marriage due to having had no sex life.

As for the reasons why people can choose this: Mostly religious ones (by percentage at least), but there also those who are fed up with sex being shown everywhere that they believe they value it more by making it seem as something special and not as a bodily function.

There are also those who were raised in an environment (not necessarily religious) where sex before marriage would be unheard of, so they don't want to disappoint their families. It can be about tradition, especially in small villages around the world, where it's still popular for the woman to be a virgin when she marries. Also, many couples don't want to risk pregnancy at all before marriage.

Of course I respect their decision, but I do wonder if it will be for the better in the end.

As for it being honorable or romantic, I think it is only shown like this due to the manner in which women's sexuality has been approached in the past. Women were supposed to be virgins until marriage, anything else was forbidden. So, to make it seem as something 'honorable' only sweetens the poison of dual standards. Women were seen as objects who had to be 'sold' to the highest bidder as intact as possible via marriage.

**Mes T** · 04-22-2010 02:43 AM

I agree, Tex. I just foresee so many problems in that situation. Compatibility, and technique are up there. We all remember what sex was like for us the first time. Was it amazing? For some of us, sure, but not for most of us. I'm sure there are couples out there who wait until that special day to have sex and then just end up being sorely disappointed. "So THIS is what I've been saving myself for?"

Oops posted at the same time as you, stressed. I pretty much agree with everything you've said.

As a side note, and I very well may sound like a tramp saying this, but... I DO believe that sometimes sex with no strings attached is okay. As long as both partners are aware of what's happening and are consenting to it, I think it's okay. Yeah for most of us sex with a loved one is a million times better, but... I think the actual act of "sex" is really not that big of a deal and could be happily done with anyone.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-22-2010 02:52 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

As a side note, and I very well may sound like a tramp saying this, but... I DO believe that sometimes sex with no strings attached is okay. As long as both partners are aware of what's happening and are consenting to it, I think it's okay. Yeah for most of us sex with a loved one is a million times better, but... I think the actual act of "sex" is really not that big of a deal and could be happily done with anyone.

Doesn't make you a tramp. The reason I say this, and at least from experience and talking with others, somebody ends up getting hurt. Whether it's the desire for intimacy, a feeling of lonliness or depression that comes directly after, or the way somebody can take advantage of somebody else. I mean, from girls I've talked to, even when they went to a party and hooked up with a guy they thought was hot, they felt disgusted the next morning.

So I guess it depends on what type of person you are, what situation you are in, and the past experiences you have had. I just know that I don't believe anything very good can come out of one night stands...

**stressed** · 04-22-2010 02:57 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I

As a side note, and I very well may sound like a tramp saying this, but... I DO believe that sometimes sex with no strings attached is okay. As long as both partners are aware of what's happening and are consenting to it, I think it's okay. Yeah for most of us sex with a loved one is a million times better, but... I think the actual act of "sex" is really not that big of a deal and could be happily done with anyone.

The only problem with this is that there is a very good chance that one of the two might start wanting more than just sex, even if they have initially agreed that it's just sex (assuming it happens occasionally with the same person). If it's a one night stand, there's also the risk of one of the two feeling used the next day. There's also the risk of pregnancy (it's not exactly pleasant to get pregnant on a one night stand).

So, yes, maybe in theory sex should be able to be enjoyed at any point, but I'm afraid that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages in such cases, at least for the most people.

**BloodyMoonLight** · 04-22-2010 03:03 AM

not having sex until marriage is just a stupid idea. how do u know how good the other person is in bed unless u have sex with them..what if he can't even get it up...what if she has a really loose or saggy ...most of all what if they are gay and don't know it cuz theyve never had sex!

**Mes T** · 04-22-2010 03:06 AM

Originally Posted by BloodyMoonLight

ost of all what if they are gay and don't know it cuz theyve never had sex!

Haha!

I don't think people need to have sex to know whether or not they're gay. But I get your point. There's just so many unknowns.

I guess at the end of the day technique is definitely secondary to compatibility. The former can be learned, after all.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-22-2010 03:09 AM

Originally Posted by BloodyMoonLight

not having sex until marriage is just a stupid idea. how do u know how good the other person is in bed unless u have sex with them..what if he can't even get it up...what if she has a really loose or saggy ...most of all what if they are gay and don't know it cuz theyve never had sex!

Dont call ideas stupid here, there might be some people who do think it isn't a bad idea.

Also, marriage should be based on more than just sex. Do I love my girlfriend? Yeah, and I would marry her. And even if she sucked at sex (no pun intended), I'd still marry her because I love her as a person.

You can always make your sex life better of both of you are willing to put in the work. If a guy has ED, there are pills and techniques for that.
And Kegel exercises to tighten and strengthen vaginal muscles

And why in the heck would they marry you if they were gay? Thats a WAY bigger problem than just not having sex with eachother.

So basically you are saying that men who have ED and women who are loose and saggy do not deserve to be loved and get married? I mean this is all opinion, but I think you shouldn't dismiss a certain person because of a single flaw. I am going to take a wild guess here and say that you are a very young person. And you will probably learn in time you can still love somebody if they have ED or a loose vagina.