Sex is STRESSING ME OUT

**Beckers** · 04-25-2010 09:03 AM

I need some advice, desperately.

First off, if it were up to me, my bf and I would have sex (in some form) at least once a day.

The problem is, I want sex much, much, more than he does. I always imagined that when I found the man I love, and who loves me, sex would be the easiest part of our relationship.

He does not feel the same way. If it were up to him (which at this point, it IS), we would have sex 1-2 times a month and that doesn't necessarily mean intercourse. I have expressed myself to him and he said he will attempt to spice things up, but also I need to lower my expectations (i.e. compromise). I agreed, but the only change is on my side of things and now I'm frustrated all the time.

I only masturbate when I can't STAND it anymore, and that barely helps because that's not what I like. I only want him, I don't want to be on my own. If I wanted that I would be SINGLE and I would buy lots of sex toys and vibrators!

He doesn't do it on purpose, but he makes me feel really ridiculous and immature for expecting him to have sex with me more often. He told me that sex doesn't play a major role in his life and how he looks at our relationship. He values all the other aspects much more.

When he said that, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong by valuing sex so much. To me, sex is when we can be just us. We can be raw and completely open to one another. To me, sex is THE most romantic and beautiful thing in the world.

He knows all of this, and still no change. At this point in our relationship, we are promised to each other; things are serious. But if this is how he treats sex at age 22, then I don't know if I can chance spending the rest of my life with him and hoping he'll try harder.

I know this is long and I apologize. Any constructive feedback would be most appreciated.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-25-2010 09:14 AM

How old is he and is healthy?

Does he masturbate? And if so, is that frequent? you would be surprised at the amount of women that come here with your same complaint... the boyfriend/husband lacking a drive for sex... yet masturbating daily :S

A lot of men don't even put 2 and 2 together that masturbating every day more or less, is what is causing their "lack of a sex drive". They don't really have a low sex drive persay, just a low drive for sex with their partner because their needs are being met by themselves.

That if they didn't take care of their own physical need they will create a physical need for their partner.

A lot of guys see masturbation like brushing their teeth and showering, just something they do for their day... thats fine if they are single or their s.o has no interest in sex with them but... if there is no way they can keep up with daily masturbation AND being intimate with their partner frequently... they are making a choice when they masturbate to take intimacy AWAY from their partners

I am not saying that is whats happening in your situation but it happens so frequently, so many women come with your story and where testosterone problems or diabetes, or untreated high blood pressure aren't an issue... frequent masturbation seems to be the other main one.

**jns** · 04-25-2010 09:40 AM

Does he value knowing every inch of your body? As much as the masturbating that HD mentioned, I think that many men are put off by a woman who has her own needs and is willing to voice such an opinion. They see it as a control issue and react by dictating the terms of having sex. They don't automatically give as much as they can to their partner, instead reverting to a minimum level. The masturbation is just another way to tightly control themselves and getting the release they need without giving in to the needs of their partner.

**Beckers** · 04-25-2010 10:19 AM

Thank you both for responding so fast.

In reply to Hopeless Dork, no he doesn't masturbate. He's only sexual when we are together. He explained to me that when he was in middle school and early in high school he was obsessed with it, and would do it daily. But since he turned 16/17 he lost interest, and doesn't do it at all.

In reply to jns, I understand what you are saying about him being put off by my strong opinions, but that is one of the things he loves most about me. He encourages me to be open and speak my mind all the time, even about sex and other hard topics. When we first started seeing each other I was very conservative with my feelings and he made sure I broke that habit. He applauds me now for how much I've grown and how much I trust in him.

lmao As I said our relationship is amazing, it's just our sex life that I have any real complaints about. That's why this is so difficult.

**pinknfwuffy** · 04-25-2010 04:55 PM

I'm sorry to hear about you current situation. It seems like you both have very different ideas about what sex should be, or what it means to you both physically and emotionally. I think it is great you are both open to discussing it with one another and sharing those honest feelings -- sometimes that can be the hardest part.

While I am no expert, the only thing I would suggest is trying to compromise not only on how often you are intimate with one another but also how you each define intimacy. Sex has so many meanings. Maybe try being close on an intimate level more often but in smaller ways. Mutual massages, showering together, etc. Being close in those ways, which can be equally erotic, may help ease some of your urges and bring out more of his.

There are many reasons he might be disinterested in frequent sex, medically and emotionally. But continuing to remain open to new ideas and keeping that honesty flowing is the best thing you can do in working towards a mutually satifsying compromise.The best of luck.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-25-2010 05:31 PM

Has he had a physical in recently? If not, it might be time to make sure there are no physical reasons for his disinterest in sex. You didn't say how old he is, but most men need more than one orgasm a month... even if just for physical release of build up.

So he might have some physical health issue decreasing his natural drive.

Is he on any medications? Is he stressed out or depressed?

**jns** · 04-25-2010 05:36 PM

Beckers: what he says, and what his actions are, may be two different things. Reactions may be completely unconscious. Since he helped bring this openness out in you, it would seem that he would want to try to keep up with the new you. Maybe he is repressing his sexual self due to some traumatic event in his past, one that caused him to quit masturbating.

**Anon_1990** · 04-25-2010 05:37 PM

My god, I can just picture the size of the explosion after one month! Holy ....

Though in seriousness, whats his diet like? I found eating libido boosting foods helped me with my ex, but the nerves kept getting me. Has he had sex much before?

**rcoreyus** · 04-25-2010 06:39 PM

There have been a number of threads on this - it is much more common than most people realize - and very sad for the people involved. Has he been like this since you met him, or has something changed? If he has always been like this, he may never change - it seems that some people just arent' very interested in sex.

**Beckers** · 04-25-2010 07:02 PM

pinknfwuffy- We do a lot of small erotic gestures to each other, and have been since day one, but it doesn't seem to spark anything in him. We take showers together, give each other massages, tickle each other for no reason, slap each others butts, hold hands whenever we're walking together or when we're driving, lean on each other when we're sitting next to each other, and sleep next to each other multiple times a week. I love just sleeping with him, but having sex would be great too lmao.

Hopeless Dork- He hasn't had a physical too recently, but he's going to soon because he joined a new sports team. Oh and for the record, he is 22 and I'm 21. And yes, he does have at least one orgasm a month. When we fool around, without having intercourse, he always an orgasm/cums. He's not on any medication, but he does get stressed easily. Though, he's good at putting his stress aside when we are together. He'll tell me everything going on and talking it out with me calms him a lot, so I don't think that's a huge factor in his sexual abilities.

jns- I see what you're saying, but he never had a traumatic experience involving sex. When he grew up, he realized he doesn't need masturbation to get through the day, that there are more important things to do with his time. I can't really explain it, but how he said it to me was just he lost interest in doing things like that by himself.

Anon_1990- As for his diet, he's in college and he eats as well as he can but sometimes chinese food and ramen are the only things available for his budget. Also, I'm the most sexually active relationship he's ever been in, and that's because of how much we care for each other. Before me, he had been with 4 girlfriends, and had sex once, twice or not at all with each one. Keep in mind 2 of those relationships lasted for years and all of them ended badly. I'm the only girl who is with him because of him and not for my own agenda which I find to be extremely sad.

When we first met, we were sexual all the time in one way or another, but that was just because of the rush of finding someone new and exploring their body. After that "perfect time" every couple has, his sex drive has dropped and I try new things all the time to get him to want to come to bed but it seems it's for no good.