Thread: i'm new, but i'm just gonna jump right in

I just found this place, so if I offend or upset, please forgive me. I'm new to this, but I need some help.
My husband and I have been married about 8.5 years. He's amazing. He is my best friend, and I truly love him so much. The thought of not being with him breaks my heart. I'm 33 and he's 37. We have a 5 year old.
Here's the problem- we have almost no sex. But, even worse than that, he shows me no affection. I get a peck every morning when he leaves for work (don't get a peck in the morning on the weekends) and I get one every night when he comes home from work, and then maybe one more when he goes to bed. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't look at me, nothing. I've talked to him about it many times. He always promises to work on it and fix it, but nothing happens. We'll have bad sex 1-2 times in a weekend (I initiate) and then nothing for 3 months.
This is has been an issue almost since day one. I used to think he was having an affair or he was gay. I actually hoped these scenarios were true because then it wouldn't be me.
When we do have sex, I initiate it. I really don't even like having sex with him though, and I usually only initiate out of sheer desperation. The last time we did have sex, I was on top and he never once made eye contact with me. There is no foreplay, so the sex thing only lasts about 5-10 minutes. It's not good sex. I once even asked him if he cared if I had an orgasm and he said no.
So, what have I done? I'm sleeping with someone else. About 4 years ago, I was sleeping around sporadically. I felt so awful, I told him in hopes that we would either see what he was doing to me or ask me for a divorce. He said he wanted to work it out, so we tried. Nothing happened, really.
Now, I'm sleeping with just one person. I had a talk with my husband a couple weeks ago about this. I said I had thought about leaving, but I didn't want to. I said if we couldn't work it out that I would be willing to "look the other way." He promised we'd fix it.
Now, I'm kind of at a crossroads. I'm with another guy who can't keep his hands off me, and I don't want him to. It's still purely physical. I can't have feelings of love or anything toward anyone else but my husband.
I thought I could live in this roommate marriage, but I'm just so miserable. I want to ask him if we can discreetly have sex with other people rather than divorce.
Does this ever work? I really do love him, but I need affection. Even if he showed me any affection, I maybe could live with that, but I get nothing. I'm so sad all the time.
If I ask him to have this "arrangement" and he says no, does that mean divorce is next? I just don't know what to do.
Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading it all!

Don't stay in your marriage just for your child's sake. Children know that there is no love between their parents. Your husband has some serious intimacy issues. Perhaps he should see a therapist, and the two of you a marriage counselor.
Have you ever enjoyed having sex with him? Doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible.
I'd say to try counseling, give it a little longer, see if changes start happening, before you decide to leave the marriage. But during counseling and trying to fix the marriage it's not a good idea to be seeing anybody else. You need to focus your energies on the marriage for a while.
Or if you just don't think it's worth saving, it would probably be best to get out now and find happiness in your life. There's somebody out there that can love you, and you will love in return, that can provide the active sexual life you need to be happy.

Has he EVER shown you affection when you were dating or when you first got married? I know some guys just aren't built that way and I have to say if he's never really shown it then you had to know what you were in store for when you married him. Would you both be willing to go to counseling? I think there is something going on with your husband that causes him to be closed off perhaps the way he was raised?

you sound very unhappy. why live two lives? you're young and have you whole life in front of you. i think good(great) sex is actually something we all assume is part of a good marriage. its a beautiful, loving , intimate way we connect to our partner. its great you have found someone who can have this with. i could have written your letter. i stayed in a sexless marriage for over 20 years. i'm just in the process of getting a divorce. i wish i had left years ago. i did stay for the children, and i dont regret that, however, i hurt myself in the process. what would be your reason for staying? is it financial?

Most women are hardwired with a need to be desired and given attention. Most of us take great effort to feel beautiful to ourselves, but being attractive to the opposite sex does play a great role in that.

From make up, to diets and hair coloring, heels and eyebrow waxing... etc.. Women don't do all that stuff to be ignored.

And when the one you love doesn't notice you, who can blame you for enjoying the feelings you get from the men that do notice.

But that is a slippery slope that leads to nothing good if you can't get your man to understand how important to your thriving his attention really is.

None of what I said implies if your man doesn't pay attention to you, one should cheat. I find cheating... well, no offense, but I just don't think highly of it all... and see that there are many other solutions than that.

To me you have to communicate with your partner (and it sounds like you already have) that you are woman, a sexual woman at that. Him not paying any attention, him not touching your body... makes you feel unwanted, unloved, unnecessary and unhappy.

If he is not willing to touch you, not willing to notice... you have what you have, a roomate. It sounds like he doesn't want you to be unfaithful, but doesn't want you for himself either.

Which leaves you with 3 options: Work on your marriage, try to get him to understand your needs. Seperate/divorce that way you can be loved the way you need to be loved minus guilt. Or... cheat, lie, feel horrible... still give the bulk of yourself to a man that doesn't appreciate it, while sneaking off to feel anything at all from anyone at all.

I don't think the 3rd option is good for anyone. Not you, not your husband, not your family. You deserve to be happy, and as neglectful as he is to your needs... he deserves your respect, you owe that respect to yourself as well.

Leave him if your going to have an affair...

Alicat, i'm sorry but you knew how he was from day one. You state that this isn't sudden its been this way...so if you want something else...why stay? It seems to me that you and your husband have a working friendship..you ever think that maybe he is just staying because of the child. Have you ever thought what you would feel if he came to you and told you he was having these sexual relationships with other women...that were purely physical? Sweety you are NOT the victim here...your husband is and you are DEAD WRONG! A marriage isn't a game...you are in it and need to be in it 100 percent. I am not judging you in any way shape or form, it is your life but you asked for the opins and now i'm going to give you mine.....

You are selfish....
Men do not like when other men have had access to what they consider their property. You actually went to your husband and admitted to having several satisfying sexual relationships with other men. Aka you gave away the cookie. So why would you think your husband would want a half eaten cookie...would you want a half eaten cookie?
Cheating is Cheating any way that you look at it, I can understand your frustration...however stepping outside of your marriage is NOT the answer. Counseling...may be...trying alternate ideas such as catering to his needs, his wants, making things a little more spicy for him..may be. I believe that once you stepped out, his love for you remained but possibly every time he has sex with you he remembers that you did that with someone else. I believe you are just creating more issues for yourself and if you can't resolve them, than maybe you should just step away. Remain friends but step away. Marriage requires discipline and sacrafice...it wouldn't be right for him to do that to you, and it is not right for you to do that to him

We have seen a counselor numerous times. Every time I talk to him about this, he promises to work to fix it. I put the effort in, but he does not. I just don't think it can be fixed.
yes- this has been in issue from day 1- but I was young and probably stupid, and I thought it just didn't matter or it would work itself out. i just can't hide my sadness from him anymore.
no- i'm not a victim, but neither is he. we've both contributed to the situation. I just don't think it can be fixed. thanks for listening/reading. i think i know what i have to do.
i'm financially independent, so i'm not staying because of that. i'm staying only for the sake of our child. i grew up with crappy step-parents and i just don't want that for my child. but, i also know i am teaching her how to have relationships, and if i continue this fallacy, i will damage her and prevent her from having a healthy relationship.
i'm now researching divorce lawyers. is there a way to do it without one? can this be a friendly thing? i don't want any money from him. i don't want child support or spousal support. he is an amazing father, and that's way too important to jeopardize over money. does divorce have to be mean and nasty?