Too kinky?

**SweetCaliGirl5678** · 04-29-2010 10:32 PM

Ok, this is kind of a complicated issue, but here it goes:

Recently my boyfriend and I were at a party with close friends and I got pretty drunk. We were all playing "truth or dare" and I said something that everyone thought was a dis toward his sexual ability, even thought i really didn't mean it that way.

He was really hurt and embarrassed and expressed this later. I felt absolutely terrible and told him I would do anything to make it up to him.

Now he wants to do some role-playing that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. We have done some light BDSM like spanking before, but he wants to take it further. He said I should do it because it would make up for what I said at the party.

I don't know what to do because I want to make it up to him, but a) I'm not sure I want to take the spanking etc any further and b) I was thinking "making it up to him" would be something non-sexual, like a date night.

What should I do? Advice please!

**sourpuss** · 04-29-2010 10:35 PM

He's taking advantage of the fact that you feel bad. Don't do anything in bed to 'pay' for the fact that he misinterpreted something you said. You apologized and explained yourself. It should have been left at that.

Bake him some cookies or something. And be sure to tell him that you don't feel comfortable taking the bedroom thing any farther than you already have, he needs to know that.

**LanaBear** · 04-29-2010 10:36 PM

You need to talk to him and tell him what you feel your sexual limitations are.

You need to find out what his intentions are. Taking it "further" could mean a lot of different things to different people, depending on where your thoughts go.

Bottom line, don't do anything you are uncomfortable with.

**GlassDaemon** · 04-29-2010 10:40 PM

Well, I'm a firm believer in two things that will sound quite contradictory but 1. If you're not comfortable don't do it and 2. You owe it to yourself to at least try it.

Since I don't know exactly how deep your boyfriend wants to go the first thing that important to BDSM is having safe words, something that you'd use when it goes too far and he knows to stop immediately. That's a trust thing, if you don't trust him enough to stop with the word, don't do it at all.

Second, role playing could be a lot of fun, but ya gotta get into it, get a cute sexy outfit, and laugh about it. Sex shouldn't be so stiff.

Finally, do not let him hold this over you, at all, ever. If you are set against it, you make that clear to him and you make it clear that you're not comfortable with it, period, no discussion. You tell him you'll make it up to him in your way and he is not to hold it over you in anyway.

I had an issue with my boyfriend awhile back, and he brought it up a few times. The second time he did it I sorta went off on him and told him that if he was going to hold it over me we could call it quits right now, because I wouldn't be feeling like s**t all the time about an accident that I was willing to make up to him.

**Yvee** · 04-29-2010 11:21 PM

I think he is playing on the fact that you are upset. Honestly, I wouldn't do it. You were drunk and you didn't mean to offend him. It isn't such a big deal.
Plus I don't think you should do anything that you are uncomfortable with. Especially when it is presented the way this is (I mean the fact that he is basically black mailing you into doing it).

I would take what he has in mind into account and maybe do it later when youare more comfortable with the idea. Until then, tell him that you aren't too comfortable and that your idea of making it up to him was an amazing night out.

**rcoreyus** · 04-30-2010 03:19 AM

I don't think anyone should ever do something sexual to make up for a mistake they made. That can only lead to resentment.

Otherwise I think people should explore many options in sex - they may find "kinky" things that they enjoy. But play safe - use safewords, etc.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 03:47 AM

I don't think anyone should ever do something sexual to make up for a mistake they made. That can only lead to resentment.

Totally agree.

That's controlling, manipulative, using your emotions and in my opinion, not someone showing much love there to you...

A person who demands a sexual act, using your emotions and knowing that you probably will cave in, because of that, will not stop at this one, this is where you have to stand up for yourself, win or loose, because it will clearly show you how he really thinks about you, whilst on the same accord, show him, what your boundries are and that it's your body and you have a right to have them.

CW

**LilahX** · 05-03-2010 04:41 AM

No one should ever do anything they're not comfortable with in sex, whether it's in an established r/ship or a once-off encounter. It's emotional blackmail to say 'you would if you really wanted to make up for what you said'. Just sit down quiety (not in bed) and talk.

He's either truly into this stuff, in which case you need to discuss it further. Sexual compatability isn't always easy but honesty is always best so you can find out whether you're going to have issues about what he (or you) would like to do. BDSM needs to have rules and boundaries established if you're going to get serious about it but you shouldn't get nvolved in anything you're not comfortable with (either physically or emotionally).

Or he's just said it as some childish 'come back' to make you uncomfortable.

You don't have to 'make it up to him' - you need to apologise (if you didn't mean it), or if you did then talk about your issues with his prowess.

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