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Thread: Wife masterbates when she thinks I am sleeping

  1. #31
    WH Assistant Head Moderator Array LanaBear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ryanl35 View Post
    My claim is she is awake while doing it yet I really cannot tell nor do I have conrete proof. Like I have stated my problem is not the act it's the turning me down and than doing it, and if indeed she is awake while doing, than it is also the lying to me about it.
    I would like I guess at this point to move on and just accept that this is what she does. I can actually fall asleep now with comfort knowing she is right next regardless of what she is doing. She really has made an effort sex wise that past 4 weeks or so. I am really focusing on the positives and will continue to do so, I guess I just wanted validation from others that I am not crazy for thinking that this actually happening, and also that this is not my fault.
    Of course it is not your fault. It would be nice for you to be able to get to the bottom of why she is doing it, while she is turning your down for sex... It's hardly fair. Do it yourself once, while she is doing it, to see if that gets any reaction out of her? Just a thought...

    Has she said anything about finding sex too much of a chore? Is that why she would rather take care of her own needs than allow you to do that for her?
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  2. #32
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    Very smart - allowing her to maintain her statement of being 'asleep'. I really think that people who were brought up with guilt about masturbating (most of us), really really need a safe place to talk about it from. It took me years and years to get my wife to realize that virtually everybody does it and that I certainly do too and it is completely ok for her to and to even tell me about it. She rarely does, but she knows I masturbate several times a week and seems just fine. I also know she masturbates but I rarely bring it up being very careful to not let her get the old guilt feelings.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ryanl35 View Post
    I have read through other threads that deal with this. They have been helpful in some ways but I still think that my situation is a little different. My wife is the same age as me 35. We have children and a wonderful marraige. I have been with my wife for 18 years, married 10 of them. I first noticed this happening next to me many years ago and quickly asked her about it, not in a menacing way, it actually turned me on. She denied it and told me I was crazy, I believed her and never brought it up again. Our sex life has had great times and some low times but mainly I would say it is about average. Kids do stress you out but not for good. Let me also say that I am the more sexual of the two of us. We communicate very openly to each other about our fantasies and we have a lot of fun in bed, my only complaint is I would like it more. A good week is 3 times. A dry spell can go 2 times a month. The reason I explain all this, is b/c I woke up recntly to find her masterbating. I pretended to still sleep, as I said this turns me on to think she is masterbating next to me thinking I am asleep. I have admitted I masterbate when she is not around but she says she never does it. We also masterbate with each other, again great. But more often than not I am turned down at least 2-3 times a week, it really gets to me sometimes. Yes I have spoken to her about it and it does get better for a while, but eventually it gets worse again. I need help on what to do about this. What I mean is, she can masterbate all she wants, good for her, but I am more than willing to lend a hand. I now am losing sleep listening to her, she has done this after she turns me down for sex, she has done this when she says she wants to go right to sleep (than proceeds for about an 1 hour and a half of self pleasure), sha has done this during her cycle, and she has done this after we have sex, ....all while she thinks I am sleeping. I am really offened that she would rather turn to this instead of me. If anyone is wondering yes she orgasms during sex (we have great sex). Please I am asking you all what do I do, I can't keep losing sleep, I am starting to feel inadequete, paranoid as trust is an issue, and getting depressed a little. Whatever advice you can give would be most appreciated.
    I have got the same situation and although it turns me on I feel that there might be warning signs that she is unhappy with our marriage although she always tells me that she loves me. I find it frustrating when she says that she is tired and cant keep her eyes open but then goes on to masturbate. Sometimes i even know that she is going to do it before we go to bed because she gets restless legs and is a sign that she is horny. Also as she kisses me goodnight I sometimes notice her nipples are erect and this is normally when I lie there and pretend to be asleep and wait for the action to begin. I know she is awake as she sometimes clears her throat and has subtle techniques to get in her normal masturbating position and when she is about to reach orgasm she will breathe heavier and heavier and then roll over with her back to me and lie still for a while. She will then slowly move into her sleeping position. I did once question her about it years ago but she denied it. I cant believe that she is doing it in her sleep because everytime she does it she adopts the same routine. I can hear everything and you can feel the subtle motion of her hand and sometimes pleasureable mmmmm,s. Alarmingly if we go out and she meets good looking blokes or even through day to day business I know that she will do this. I just feel that as long as it dosn't affect our sex lives which is good then I havn't got a problem with it

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by LanaBear View Post
    Of course it is not your fault. It would be nice for you to be able to get to the bottom of why she is doing it, while she is turning your down for sex... It's hardly fair. Do it yourself once, while she is doing it, to see if that gets any reaction out of her? Just a thought...

    Has she said anything about finding sex too much of a chore? Is that why she would rather take care of her own needs than allow you to do that for her?
    Thanks for understanding, I would love to get to the bottom of it. I have done it while she was and she flipped out and basically was disgusted with the fact that I would do that with her next to me in the middle of the night. The problem is she is the James Bond of midnight masterbation. I have no way of telling if indeed this is what she is doing. I have been within inches of her but cannot determine. We sleep now with AC on but before it was 2 fans (white noise, busy road). So it is very difficult for me to know for sure if she is masterbating. She has gone down the road before of sex being a chore but we've dealt with that and she on a real rare occasion will state that but it's more in a joking manner.

    Here is the kicker, I have even noticed lately we will finish our love making (meaning we both finish) and she will (allegedly) begin minutes after taking care of her self. I really mean though when I say the James Bond of masterbation, all I am going off of is the slight shaking in the bad followed by her body shaking approx about 30 minutes later. There really is no concrete evidence that I have, maybe I am crazy. I just don't understand since she really has always had a low libido and since I am always the one who has the higher drive than her. I really am almost at the point of just accepting this is what she does and I will never know why, the one thing that still perplexes me is the "why" factor. I am understanding, she can always tell me anything even this.

    The one thing I wanted to put out there is any ideas of actually varifying that she is indeed masterbating next to me at night? Any suggestions would be helpful.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by daveboy1 View Post
    I have got the same situation and although it turns me on I feel that there might be warning signs that she is unhappy with our marriage although she always tells me that she loves me. I find it frustrating when she says that she is tired and cant keep her eyes open but then goes on to masturbate. Sometimes i even know that she is going to do it before we go to bed because she gets restless legs and is a sign that she is horny. Also as she kisses me goodnight I sometimes notice her nipples are erect and this is normally when I lie there and pretend to be asleep and wait for the action to begin. I know she is awake as she sometimes clears her throat and has subtle techniques to get in her normal masturbating position and when she is about to reach orgasm she will breathe heavier and heavier and then roll over with her back to me and lie still for a while. She will then slowly move into her sleeping position. I did once question her about it years ago but she denied it. I cant believe that she is doing it in her sleep because everytime she does it she adopts the same routine. I can hear everything and you can feel the subtle motion of her hand and sometimes pleasureable mmmmm,s. Alarmingly if we go out and she meets good looking blokes or even through day to day business I know that she will do this. I just feel that as long as it dosn't affect our sex lives which is good then I havn't got a problem with it
    Wow that does sound very similar to my situation, thank you for sharing. I think you have confirmed everything on your end, my only problem is I have not confirmed it. But what you stated does sound exactly like what she does minus the mmmmm's. Like I stated above she is the James Bond of midnight activities. But the other night she was on her back, does her usual activities (allegedly) and I moved a little to see what she would do, and she quickly moved her hand to scratch her forehead. If she was asleep why would a little movement from me cause her to QUICKLY move her hand to her forehead and than ask what was I doing. I tell you I just want to confirm that she is and than just deal with the fact this is what she does.

  6. #36
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    a few idea,
    - masterbating while sleeping does happen and it is rare.. she may appear awake but will actually be sleeping . Kind of like sleep walking. I apparently molest my boyfriend in my sleep sometimes lol so I do believe that could be a possibility.
    - Is there perhaps a fantasy that she has that you have not discussed or she is embarrassed about discussing with you? she may be masterbating to that..
    - This may suck to here but it is true that sometimes when people masterbate they give them selves a better orgasm because it is under their control and they can conduct the climax the way they prefer. Doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it with you.. it just means that sometimes if while having sex the orgasm isn;t timed properly or isn''t as intense for whatever reason she may feel a little less satisfied... again probably nothing to do with you, women are just a lot more particular than men in the way they enjoy sex
    - Maybe after she has a first orgasm you guys keep going, say you finish, but she is almost at the point of climax again. with kids and being older with careers and such you guys need to sleep so maybe she does't wanna start it all up again just to have her second orgasm. She may just do it herself to get it out of the way...
    - Sometimes women like to have private sessions themselves just as a way of being connected to themselves and just private time...
    - it may help he sleep....

    Consider these suggestions.. chances are it doesn't have to do with you or the way she feels about you but there is definitely an issue there that you guys need to work on. Goodluck!

  7. #37
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    Bring her to multiple orgasms before both of you go to sleep and see if she does this activity.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cinnamonheart88 View Post
    a few idea,
    - masterbating while sleeping does happen and it is rare.. she may appear awake but will actually be sleeping . Kind of like sleep walking. I apparently molest my boyfriend in my sleep sometimes lol so I do believe that could be a possibility.
    - Is there perhaps a fantasy that she has that you have not discussed or she is embarrassed about discussing with you? she may be masterbating to that..
    - This may suck to here but it is true that sometimes when people masterbate they give them selves a better orgasm because it is under their control and they can conduct the climax the way they prefer. Doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it with you.. it just means that sometimes if while having sex the orgasm isn;t timed properly or isn''t as intense for whatever reason she may feel a little less satisfied... again probably nothing to do with you, women are just a lot more particular than men in the way they enjoy sex
    - Maybe after she has a first orgasm you guys keep going, say you finish, but she is almost at the point of climax again. with kids and being older with careers and such you guys need to sleep so maybe she does't wanna start it all up again just to have her second orgasm. She may just do it herself to get it out of the way...
    - Sometimes women like to have private sessions themselves just as a way of being connected to themselves and just private time...
    - it may help he sleep....

    Consider these suggestions.. chances are it doesn't have to do with you or the way she feels about you but there is definitely an issue there that you guys need to work on. Goodluck!
    Thank you for the suggestions, it's makes sense, and to answer your fantasy question we are very vocal about that area. I couldn't see her holding back b/c that would be counterproductive to actually talking about it and doing it. I hear on the sleep thing, I am totally fine with everything else you say she wants alone time, okay, she wants to have more orgasms, no problem. My problem is that she keeps me awake at night, and also I would be happy to bring her to as many orgasms as she wants. I have been with her for 18 years and know that she is a 1 orgasm women sure there have been ocasions that she has had a few in one day but never back to back it just doesn't happen like that for her, that's what also perplexes me.

    What I really wanted suggestions for was how confirm she is indeed masterbating next to me, Any and all suggestions you have for that would be greatly appreciated.

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by jns View Post
    Bring her to multiple orgasms before both of you go to sleep and see if she does this activity.
    Okay I am up for that, she just isn't. I've stated at times it's all about her that particular night, to see how many orgasms I could bring her to. She just is a one and done her. I will do anything to get some sleep at this point.

  10. #40
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    Honestly, I think it would be pretty obvious if she was masturbating next to you. Unless she is very very discreet im pretty sure you can tell.. Its kind of hard to disguise an orgasm. also if your completely awake and paying a lot of attention to what shes doing you can tell... Its clear that you know. The question is whether or not she is doing it in her sleep...

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