Nothing.....but occasional "normal" sex (women please help!)

**pittsburgh44** · 05-05-2010 02:25 PM

Both my fiance (of a few months - been together a little more than 3 years) are around 28, I've done almost everything sexually and she's done next to nothing.

In our time together she gave me head for a total of 10-20 seconds, "handjob" time consisted of probably 5 minutes combined, total, that's it! She's not a prude and had played with herself infront of me, and those kind of teasing related things. She's very attractive, i like to think that I'm not bad

but I just can't take this anymore. She's never given a bj before and say's she wish she could do it but can't, i've tried everything, EVERYTHING!

It's just so extremely, extremely frustrating for me because to be quite honest, i've really had a fun life "sexually" before her and now nothing, at all except the once a month roll over and play dead type of sex.

It's not that i'm worried about myself when i'm with her... I do every single thing she wants from setting the mood throughout the day to doing everything she wants (and then some) to her, it's never about me but..

Any advice at all how i can improve this, my god, what i would give for just an evening where we could just enjoy each other and not simply hoping for (and actually being thankful for something that would amount to getting my **** poked with her finger)!!!

Sorry for going on a little rant, i've just spent another night without sleep just staring (and pointing lol) at the ceiling and I just keep rationalizing (although it's never do it) to myself that it'd be okay to hook up with somebody else..... Trust me, i'd never do that, but i'm going to explode if something doesn't change...thanks for ANY help you guys can provide.

**stressed** · 05-05-2010 02:34 PM

You, I, and many others here (men and women) spend most of our nights staring at the ceiling pondering exactly the same thing and feeling exactly like you do. It is very unfortunate.

Has she ever explained why she can't give you oral or use her hand for a longer time? Has she had bad past sexual experiences? Is it the sight, the feel, or something mental that prevents her from doing this?

You've got to start from finding out why she doesn't do what you want, and this will only happen with a serious discussion. Like, "can we sit down and talk for a bit about something that bothers me?". It's alright to make it about "you" at times. It bothers you, you are engaged, and she must be there to listen to your problems. Saying "I want to but I can't" is not an answer, she has to elaborate.

Have you tried to tell her to go on for longer than 5 minutes when she starts? Does she look bored, or tired or just wants to get down to sex instead? You have to figure out what's going on with her and start from there. Maybe she'd like to have this discussion too, but doesn't know how to start it or what to say, or is worried she might say something hurtful.

**pittsburgh44** · 05-05-2010 02:58 PM

We've had many real discussions (she's even so comfortable with what she doesn't do that she makes comments and everybody knows the situation at a local restaurant/bar that consists of 20-30 people from the owner to patrons that are friends of ours), and all she ever says is "i don't know, i just never did it, not bad experiences, just never did it" and i try everything, every single thing i could think of to make an experience as painless & carefree as possible but she just won't try AT ALL!

I actually made a joke one day that If i didn't want to have kids i wouldn't mind being castrated so i wouldn't have sexual urges because they're too difficult to take because i "know" they will not get addressed....................then i googled the idea! man i'm sad!

**StillLearnin** · 05-05-2010 03:03 PM

Originally Posted by pittsburgh44

i wouldn't mind being castrated so i wouldn't have sexual urges because they're too difficult to take because i "know" they will not get addressed

I've thought of this many times myself.
It's time for you to say "enough is enough." Have a heart to heart talk with her and say that you can't live this way any longer, and definitely cannot marry her with her sexual hangups. If you really love each other it would be worth trying to work through it. You could come out stronger in the end, or could realize that you really aren't compatible. Either way would be good, because both of you can get on with your lives.

**pittsburgh44** · 05-05-2010 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

I've thought of this many times myself.
It's time for you to say "enough is enough." Have a heart to heart talk with her and say that you can't live this way any longer, and definitely cannot marry her with her sexual hangups. If you really love each other it would be worth trying to work through it. You could come out stronger in the end, or could realize that you really aren't compatible. Either way would be good, because both of you can get on with your lives.

I won't leave her, everything about her is perfect and she shows how much she truly cares for me on a daily basis, ALWAYS, just not sexually..... I tried many convo's about this, and she feels very bad but nothing comes of it... but thanks for your input.

**stressed** · 05-05-2010 03:09 PM

How often do you have sex? Does she abstain from oral and "hand-jobs" only, or does she do the same things every time in bed too? Does she turn you down for sex often? I'm trying to understand if the problem is the things she doesn't do, or the whole sex life in general.

I find it odd she's so confident about it as to make jokes in public, especially when she knows it's a sore subject for you. Having never done that doesn't mean she can't do it now. Maybe she has certain views against it and feels embarrassed? Maybe she's overly self-conscious? Maybe she's nervous about doing it wrong? I understand your sadness, I'd also feel hurt in your case. It doesn't make any sense. But I do know women who don't like the idea of giving oral at all. It would help you if you at least knew what it was that prevents her from it.

I don't remember the last time I got any oral from my fiance of 1 year (together for 4), even if I've addressed it several times and he doesn't know why he doesn't do it either. I haven't got any this year though, that much I know. He even says he enjoys it a lot, yet he never does it. Go figure...

**StillLearnin** · 05-05-2010 03:10 PM

Word of warning: your love is blinding you. You have more needs than she does, and you will build up resentment towards her over the years because she chooses to not address them. The resentment will grow, to where the sexual problems become the forefront of your marital problems. Address them now. Make her hear you, and take you seriously, ASAP.

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 03:14 PM

If you can't resolve this, DON"T marry her. Why would you want to sign up for years of sexual neglect? Marriage won't make it better, if anything it will get worse.

You might try getting a few books for the two of you to read and try. One Hour Orgasm has detailed instructions for both genders on bringing their partner to orgasm without intercourse. Going Down is about oral sex and again, has info for both. Let her know that the blythe attitude that she just doesn't do that, won't fly and that if this can't be resolved, the engagement will be - not as a threat but as a simple fact. She has every right to limit her sexual experience but she needs a partner who is equally limited. You cannot force her to change, all you can do is make your needs clear and move on if she is unwilling to share a more fullfilling sex life.

Take some time and read through some of the many threads here from men and women who are dealing with or have dealt with, sexually incompatible partners. Sex is a very big part of who we are and the joy we have in life and our chosen partner. Many of have found what seemed to a compatible lover only to have them take it away later, you are starting with this. Set yourself a timeline, work on it and there is no substantual change, lovingly wish her well and move on.

**stressed** · 05-05-2010 03:16 PM

I don't think he should break up because of his sex life. Sex life has its ups and downs, he may find another girl, have it all sexually perfect for 2 years and then suddenly her sex drive disappears. Should he leave her then too?

Relationships require constant work. She has to be understanding and more concerned about his needs. If there's enough love she will understand that. If there is something that prevents her from giving as much as he needs then she has to work with it. No relationship is perfect and it's the person that matters more than anything else. It's just that sexual issues are so frustrating that one feels they will never improve. But they do, as long as there's equal work from both sides.

**pittsburgh44** · 05-05-2010 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

How often do you have sex? Does she abstain from oral and "hand-jobs" only, or does she do the same things every time in bed too? Does she turn you down for sex often? I'm trying to understand if the problem is the things she doesn't do, or the whole sex life in general.

I find it odd she's so confident about it as to make jokes in public, especially when she knows it's a sore subject for you. Having never done that doesn't mean she can't do it now. Maybe she has certain views against it and feels embarrassed? Maybe she's overly self-conscious? Maybe she's nervous about doing it wrong? I understand your sadness, I'd also feel hurt in your case. It doesn't make any sense. But I do know women who don't like the idea of giving oral at all. It would help you if you at least knew what it was that prevents her from it.

I don't remember the last time I got any oral from my fiance of 1 year (together for 4), even if I've addressed it several times and he doesn't know why he doesn't do it either. I haven't got any this year though, that much I know. He even says he enjoys it a lot, yet he never does it. Go figure...

We'll have sex 2-4 times a month... Even after we got engaged it was a month before we had sex (amazingly romantic engagement - not to toot my own horn, although i should probably get used to doing that LOL!).

She just goes to bed, not as much turning me down but even though i've done everything sexually suggestive (trust me, it's not misconstruing intentions), just just makes a deliberate move towards getting out of the situation.