Thread: Do I not satisfy him??

Originally Posted by redbull

Well, you're not enough to satisfy his need to look at a bunch of different women. But the point is that neither would the porn star. It's not a reflection on you specifically. It's just a characteristic of his and a lot of men's behavior.

Call me crazy, but if my man has a NEED to look at a bunch of different women, then he's in a relationship with the wrong dang person! I just can't be expected to sit back with approval while he oogles women! That's not how it works (at least not in my head). If he wanted variety, he shouldn't have gotten married. If he wanted to see all the boobs in the world, he shoulda stayed single and watched all the porn he wanted. I am not going to give in to this idea that men are just supposed to do it or are hardwired and can't help it! NOOOO. It's a choice and they can choose to stop. Most just dont!! Men are supposed to be with their women, make them feel special, and not be demeaning to them or their relationship by thinking it's ok to have that wandering eye (or imagination). He wants his cake and to eat it to and obviously want me to serve it and offer some milk. Well, my answer to that is NO. To the women that can do it, more power to you. But its not for me.

Now... if he wants to make it a part of our sexual experience... having it on in the background while foreplay is going on... that's a totally different situation. That'd be like bringing a toy to bed with you. We have several toys that we experiment with and wouldn't be afraid or ashamed to add more. But staring at a moniter, while you masterbate is not a real sexual experience. And like Still Learnin said... its nothing like it used to be. I remember the Penthouse days. I fear what my son will grow up to think about porn and sex since he has the gory stuff right at his fingertips. Will the next generation all be desensitized to porn?? What are they going to turn to for arousal??

Porn is really old! Certainly greek / roman. One might make arguments about some of the neolithic nude female figures

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

If watching porn is the way men are wired, what did men do before porn was invented???

I personally like to watch it, it's a great fantasy. I recently got my wife to watch her first with me.

So, the way this thread seems to be going, since she now knows that I have had it (porn), that I masturbate, that we have porn available, it would be wrong of me to watch it and masturbate without her knowledge?

She's never wanted to know what I need to do to survive with limited sex. She's never wanted to deal with it. So I've always kept it secret. But now that she is more open to it, and more aware of sexual needs in general, would I be wrong to hide it (porn and masturbation) from her?

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

If watching porn is the way men are wired, what did men do before porn was invented???

I personally like to watch it, it's a great fantasy. I recently got my wife to watch her first with me.

So, the way this thread seems to be going, since she now knows that I have had it (porn), that I masturbate, that we have porn available, it would be wrong of me to watch it and masturbate without her knowledge?

She's never wanted to know what I need to do to survive with limited sex. She's never wanted to deal with it. So I've always kept it secret. But now that she is more open to it, and more aware of sexual needs in general, would I be wrong to hide it (porn and masturbation) from her?

I think if she's known of your porn use and seemed unbothered by it... it may well have been the catalyst to her withdrawing even more sexually... that somwhwere in her mind she see's you are doing porn/masturbation... so you are taken care of sexually and she needn't put for the effort to give you sex when you are getting off this way or that way.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I use to watch it with my boyfriend with my heart in my gut the entire time. In fact I was the one that inniciated us watching it... because i use to see it on his computer all the time and I figured if you can't beat em' join em'. I wanted to at least be a part of things.

I resented him so much. Even though I never let on. When I'd go out on my own and guys gave me attention (i'd never cheat) but I relished it, and flirted back probably a lot more than I should of because I was in need of the validation that I was worthwhile sexually in the way that his occasional porn use was taking away from.

I finally realized I had to be true to myself and give him the opportunity to make me feel better... or else I feared that one day I would just up and leave and he wouldn't have even known why.

Well, I can't be expected to read her mind. Sometimes it seems like I have to, but I can't. I can't just go around second guessing whether or not she's feigning sincerity. Until (if ever) she brings it up, I'm not going to. People need to be able to stand up for themselves and speak their mind if something's bothering them. That goes for both sexes.

Originally Posted by brownlover

Call me crazy, but if my man has a NEED to look at a bunch of different women, then he's in a relationship with the wrong dang person! I just can't be expected to sit back with approval while he oogles women! That's not how it works (at least not in my head). If he wanted variety, he shouldn't have gotten married. If he wanted to see all the boobs in the world, he shoulda stayed single and watched all the porn he wanted. I am not going to give in to this idea that men are just supposed to do it or are hardwired and can't help it! NOOOO. It's a choice and they can choose to stop. Most just dont!!

I never said they couldn't help it. But they are hardwired to look and fantasize about different women. We can't help that. But yes, we can decide whether or not we want to turn on a porn video.

You're also right, most just don't stop. He'll probably tell you he did and then just learn how to cover his tracks much better. Hopefully, for both your sakes you never find out. That way you'll never know for sure he really is watching porn.

I'm not trying to be mean to you because I disagree with you. I hope that you guys can work it out. But based on my experiences and my perspective from the male point of view, it seems like it won't happen that way. If this is a deal breaker for your relationship, then hopefully you can get past it. Just take my opinion for whatever it's worth to you:

Go see some type of relationship counselor to try and work this out. Not one person who has posted here, including me, is anywhere near qualified enough to give you some good professional advice. You could ask everyone on the internet. But none of them will know you, and most won't be qualified to tell you whatever it is you need.

UPDATE!!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments last week. After hearing your thoughts on the subject, I knew I had to confront the issue and stop sitting back and just wishing it would stop.

We had a heartfelt conversation about it this weekend... several times actually and I can very happily say I think we came to a great compromise! I agreed not to freak out anymore if I find evidence that he'd been at home whacking it all day and he agreed to try and save more of his sexual energy for me!! I think once I told him how hurt it made me and how i wished he'd save it for me, it was a wake up call!! He was totally amazed that I wanted to have sex that much and was more than happy to take me up on that offer. I guess he thought I was doing it as my wifely duties and not truely enjoying it. He said now that he knows there's a good chance he'll be getting laid at night with me, he doesn't feel the need to handle it himself during the day! And most importantly, he told me he would prefer to have sex with me than watch porn any day!! It's what i really needed to hear. not WANTED... but NEEDED!!

We sent the kids off with Grandma and spent the weekend worshipping each other!! It was amazing and because we spent so much time talking about what each of us would liked to do with the other and where the boundries were, it was on a whole other level than where we were before.

As for the porn itself, i told him i didn't mind him watching it alone, but if it was something he liked to watch so much, why not bring it to the bedroom with us. Him just knowing that i wasn't turning my nose up at it made him relaxed on the subject... he's not so embarrassed about admitting he likes to watch it now. And when we turned some on this weekend, he barely watched it cause he was too busy doing more fun things with / to me.

And just today while i've been at work and he's been at home... he's been too busy sending me emails and texts saying how excited he is for me to get home that he hasn't had time to do any self-lovin'!! His mind is full trying to think of new ideas to try with me later tonight!!

It's great knowing that men are out there that are willing to put your feelings above their own and more importantly, take your feelings seriously and not fall into that stereotypical gutter of "men are just hardwired that way!" Or maybe i just found one of the few that are hardwired wrong!! He's a keeper regardless of how you look at it!!