Do I not satisfy him??

**brownlover** · 05-05-2010 05:29 PM

So i fully understand that most men masterbate. I also am rational enough to know when they do, it's not cause they are not getting "the good stuff" often enough. But here's my problem... When i come home from working my full time job and taking care of our three children and want to check out the history log (to make sure my 14 yr old daughter isn't seeing stuff she doesn't need to be) and I see that he's been looking at porn sites two, maybe three times a day while i'm at work... it gets to me. His job is in a lag right now and he doesn't work as often as he used to so he has most of the day free. I get so angry thinking that he sits at home all day, whacking it, and I'm off making the money to pay the families bills, and at the end of the day, i'm still putting out!

And what is really fueling this is I knew from when we first met that he had more active of a sex drive than I was used to. I've made a point all this time to have sex with him at least four times a week, even when i'm not in the mood. And when i first noticed the porn sites, I even tested him... we went three weeks with having sex everyday! Sometimes even twice a day. The result... he was still looking at porn almost everyday! So what's the deal... he can't say he has a powerful sex drive and NEEDS it. He was getting it most often than a porn star and still chose to look at those sites!

I also don't like the thought of my man looking at these girls doing these degrading things on the computer. I can tell when he wants to try something new out that it came from a video. Does he expect me to be like them? I will not allow my bedroom to become like a dirty porn! How do I know he's not fantisizing about his porn girls when he's with me? What happened to making love? What happened to having sex to be closer to the one you love instead of just for gradification? Why can't he just be satisfied with what they has?

And knowing he's doing this in secrecy makes me think... what else is he doing when i'm at work? Is he hiding anything else? Where does this addiction stop? Is he talking to girls online? Ya know... if you cross that line... is anything fair game at that point?

Am i insane on this one? Why does it hurt my feelings so much that he WANTS to look at other women doing sexual things? Am I not enough for him? And can anyone tell me if there is anything I can do to make myself not feel so hurt?? This is making me not want to have any sex with him at all... why would i want to be someone's second fiddle??

**Rainbow Rider** · 05-05-2010 06:00 PM

Hi brownlover! Let me first say that I suspect that many women feel the same way that you go. You are not alone! You have every reason (you have the evidence) to feel the way you do about his sneaky behavior. You feelings are valid.

To some people, viewing of porn can be interpreted as a form of cheating (obsessing with another, showing interest in another, deceiptive behavior - they get an adrenaline rush out of the concept, and andrenaline rushes can be addictive); especially if the behavior is excessive. It can make you want to run the other direction. It can be sneaky and addictive, or it can be something to add spice to a relationship and be playful.

Bottom line: this is an intimate issue between the two of you. I have one suggestion: talk with him about it! Clear the air on this topic before you completely resent him (perhaps you already do?), are completely disgusted with him (perhaps you already are?), and are past the point of no return (perhaps you are already here?). Unresolved issues can build an irrepairable wedge in a relationship.

Let him know how you feel. Find away to organize your thoughts prior to the discussion (difficult at times, I know), so you don't just pounce. Find a way (I know it will be hard) to someohow accept this behavior (if you choose), or find a way that you can live with it (or don't, and walk).

You have one life to lead! Stand by your ethics and standards. He may not be able to meet yours. Weigh the odds. There are always other options.

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 06:04 PM

I know it's frustrating but at least you are getting sex.
How much affection and attention do you get outside the bedroom?
Does he help at home?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-05-2010 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by brownlover

Am i insane on this one? Why does it hurt my feelings so much that he WANTS to look at other women doing sexual things? Am I not enough for him? And can anyone tell me if there is anything I can do to make myself not feel so hurt?? This is making me not want to have any sex with him at all... why would i want to be someone's second fiddle??

No, you are not insane. You're reaction is the textbook reaction for a lot of women that find their significant other uses porn frequently despite having a sexual available partner.

Feelings of inadequecy, feeling not good enough, something must be wrong with me that he needs to see other women, he's bored of me sexually, he takes me for granted, if he could be with other women he would, does he think i'm ugly compared to airbrushed supermodels with fake everythings? Is he fantasizing about these women while I am giving him my body? Does this mean he wants to cheat? Am I so bad of a lover that he'd rather masturbate than be with me?

Guys typical response: Porn is no big deal, its what we do, we're men (thump chest) we like to see naked ladies and people having sex. Its normal, get over it.

If he is unable to provide you with the sex you want because he has spent all his energy masturbating -- then porn has become a problem.

If he has conditioned himself to only respond to porn stimulation -- then porn has become a problem.

If he is racking up bills, getting virus's on the computer, outstepping bounderies (contacting women for communication) -- then porn has become a problem.

If he is losing interest in activities he normally enjoys so that he can stay home and watch porn -- then porn has become a problem.

If all of the above is good and fine, then porn isn't causing huge damage to your relationship. HOWEVER, if it is causing you hurt, causing you to resent him, making you feel like you don't even want to have sex with him ... then it needs to be addressed.

You should reach out to him and tell him how it makes you feel. Give him the opportunity to comfort you. Don't attack him, it won't do anything but cause him to recede and become defensive. Instead only explain what emotions you feel when you see that he's been using porn.

Should he stop? Should he pretend to stop and just get better at deleting his history to spare your feelings? Only he can decide that... but some respect to your feelings must be had, or this will seep its way into other facets of your relationship.

I'm sure his goal with porn is not to make you resent him, make you want to have LESS sex with him, make you feel bad about yourself. His goal is a selfish one... it has nothing to do with you, what you aren't doing, what you aren't as a person... but just him wanting to see it all, fantasize about it all, even if he has no intention to DO it all.

There really isn't any harm in fantasy and even porn as long as he respects your feelings about it and it isn't causing problems in your relationship. You don't HAVE to like it, and he doesn't HAVE to stop it. But him doing it, you biting your tongue about it and becoming angry... isn't going to move you guys forward.

Don't feel like if only you gave it up more, if only you did everything the porn girls did, if you looked exactly like one of them -- that he'd want to look at porn less... he wouldn't. Its the variety, the easy no fuss access, the power in being able to see anything they want to see at the click of a button that motivates many men to utilize porn... not something lacking in their relationship.

**Rainbow Rider** · 05-05-2010 06:09 PM

I don't think it's a matter of hey, "at least your getting sex"! The just doesn't sound fair! What, better to have distrusting sex than no sex at all? I beg to differ on that one.

I can totally understand how she'd feel about NOT WANTING to have sex with him. Her mind is on overdriving about his boarderline (or deliberate?) creepy behavior (I am thinking she is more conservative than he is, or perhaps it is just the way she was raised - ethics, morals, standards?).

- Deceiptive and creepy behavior builds resentment and distrust.
- Resentment and distrust leads to a lack of intimacy.
- Lack of intimacy leads to unresolved unhappiness.
- Unresolved unhappiness leads to the end of a relationship!

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 06:11 PM

Some men masterbate instead of having a sexual relationship with the woman in their life. Then she's getting nothing. They aren't that far gone yet.

**pittsburgh44** · 05-05-2010 06:19 PM

Life is too short to not have fun, help him have fun, call him on his flaws, get what you want and give it back :-)

**FoxMulder** · 05-05-2010 06:26 PM

I don't understand why women get so annoyed that men look at porn. Men want sex alot more than women, a man will be lucky if his wife/girlfriend actually wants to have sex with him so doesn't he have the right to "relieve" himself because he is not getting it enough from you?

**Texinator** · 05-05-2010 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by FoxMulder

I don't understand why women get so annoyed that men look at porn. Men want sex alot more than women, a man will be lucky if his wife/girlfriend actually wants to have sex with him so doesn't he have the right to "relieve" himself because he is not getting it enough from you?

You'd be surprised at how many women would love to have sex as often or even more often than the average many, or how many men would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with a real woman.

**StillLearnin** · 05-05-2010 06:30 PM

It's great that you put out the effort to try to change his focus and energies to you rather than porn on the computer. You tried and tried but no response.

I'm looking at it from the other angle though. You didn't describe what you did when you had more frequent sex with him. But from the other statements you made it sounds like that you might not have much variety, like oral, different positions, etc. Maybe one aspect of this is variety, and he's bored with the same old missionary position every time.

Making love is important. Intimacy is important. Variety and passion also are important.

What was that I said in another thread?

Love adds to the sexual experience.
Intimacy adds to the sexual experience.
But sex can be had without love or intimacy, for recreational purposes also. It also needs to be fun. For the pure physical pleasure. Sometimes, love and intimacy dampen the passion. It's still good, but the passion of hot sex just doesn't happen sometimes.

I know you have a lot of anger and frustration. Rightfully so. As suggested, talk to him, and try to get his side of the story. Maybe he's missing something.

But, it does sound like he has an addiction problem that needs to be addressed. That's a separate issue.

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