Thread: He doesn's want sex with me but today I found him jerking off to porn. Please advise.

Thanks stressed I know that he does feel like I am the main earner and he feels low due to being out of work. He says it was a one off but I am pretty sure that the link between him being in the house alone all day and him not wanting me is undeniable. Just hurts when he knows Ive had so many issues about my self image in the past (anorexia) and am now in good recovery. I know its wrong but my brain automatically tells me that if I was pin thin again he would be different.
I trusted him with everything and its taken a long time to get there and now I am not sure that I can belive his answers to me or anything else for that matter.

I agree with stressed. He is probably feeling down and worthless. Maybe there is something useful (that feels important) for him to do with his time.

I don't have any problem with porn as such - but it sounds like he is using porn instead of having sex with you, and that is a big problem.

He may have turned to porn the way some people turn to drink - as a distraction to forget his problems. I think the best fix is to find a way for him to feel good about himself.

Your situation... is painfully common. It was more than likely not a one- off... but the primary reason he hasn't had a sexual need for you lately. His isn't drive isn't down due to depression... his interest in INTIMACY is whats down due to his depression.

You've every right to feel hurt. You stood by him when you thought he wasn't physically capable of sex during this low phase in his life... meanwhile he's been capable all along, merely... not wanting to put forth the effort.

Its a good thing you found this out as who knows how long you would have went along being the supportive gf while he was being the selfish bf. Cat is out of the bag.

If he doesn't want to own up to how selfish his behavior has been... and agree to try to work on refraining from the porn and work on developing that intimate connection with you again then you might need to rethink how happy you are in the relationship.

Yeah, he's depressed, and you are taking care of him and poor him that has to sit home all day while you work hard and provide him with every need he has... but he needs to leave the pity party long enough to make sure you are getting what you need out of the relationship too. To feel loved, and special and desirable.

How heartbreaking it must have been to watch that display. I can't imagine the lump that must have been in your throat, your heart sinking in to your stomach... been there, done that... but without having to actually see the act taking place.

Porn is fine in moderation for single men, men not getting enough sex in their relationship, or men with drives high enough to facilitate a daily porn habit and a sexual signifcant other.

But for guys that are not providing their s.o with intimacy, using porn is a huge slap in the face. Try not being upset about the porn and keep focus on what is actually upsetting-- the selfishness.

Excessive porn can lead to a common problem of not being able to function as normally with a living breathing partner. So many young guys have erectile problems and an unhealthy disinterest in sex because they have trained theirselves to only respond to specific artifical stimulus.

Its fixable, by laying off the dang porn and focusing on their partner for their sexual needs... but they have to want to be in a normal healthy sexual relationship with a human being in order for them to make any progress.

Thanks so much hopeless. It has been quite difficult. We aim to sit and try to talk about it again in about 15 mins so who knows the outcome.
He does lovely things from time to time like buying flowers etc but that doesnt make up for feeling like I live with a friend and not a bf.
I feel lonely. I dont need another friend I have lots already.

I agree that it's probably because he doesn't feel useful. Men don't deal well with being unemployed and they certainly don't deal well with a woman taking care of them.

Find something for him to do around the house while you're working. Do you have anything that needs fixing up? And make sure it's not piddly run errands type stuff. Something like, paint the bathroom or put new hinges and handles on all the cupboards in the kitchen. As cheesy as it sounds, try to find some sort of manly project that will take a few days for him to complete.

Once your mind and your body aren't busy....it's all down hill. I can see why a person wouldn't want to have sex when they feel like they aren't doing anything with their life. It's a vicious cycle. Snap him out of it with some good manual labor!

Originally Posted by DramaQueen007

Thanks so much hopeless. It has been quite difficult. We aim to sit and try to talk about it again in about 15 mins so who knows the outcome.
He does lovely things from time to time like buying flowers etc but that doesnt make up for feeling like I live with a friend and not a bf.
I feel lonely. I dont need another friend I have lots already.

Do address that, and do address how much you enjoy the sex you guys have when you have it. Some guys honestly, when depressed and down, feel like they are doing you a favor not making you have to have sex with a self-perceived loser. Sometimes if they are feeling inadequate, taking 2 minutes with porn to get rid of the physical need is a way to not be "backed up" but also not have to work at giving you pleasure...

Thats the selfish part, you are worth the effort to bring pleasure to.

But go in to the convo with an open heart, non accusing, simply stating your feelings... how the lack of sex as made you feel about yourself, how you physcially miss the intimacy... and how betrayed you feel that he could have been giving that energy to you and then be open to what his reasons were for doing that and what he plans on doing to try to help you to feel special and desired again.

Hey may not cop to doing it all this time, don't go in expecting that... when it comes to porn and masturbation guys seemed to be hardwired to lie about it in situations like this -- what you can't prove, they won't admit to, etc..

Don't make it about trying to make him out to the bad guy, but instead... what can he, what can you guys do as a team to make each other feel better and loved.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Do address that, and do address how much you enjoy the sex you guys have when you have it. Some guys honestly, when depressed and down, feel like they are doing you a favor not making you have to have sex with a self-perceived loser. Sometimes if they are feeling inadequate, taking 2 minutes with porn to get rid of the physical need is a way to not be "backed up" but also not have to work at giving you pleasure...

You hit the nail on the head.

My wife and I both work long hours. If i get home early or have the day off i will clean the house do the wash and make dinner. Its a two way street. She does the same. We always find time to be with each other. If there is porn to be watched we do it together. I think there is another problem here. I think you need to sit him down and have a talk with him. I would think with the time he has he would be waiting for you to get home to spend needed time with you. Have a talk with him and see where it goes from there. Good luck.