Cyber vs. Role play

**GlassDaemon** · 05-06-2010 07:07 PM

First I don't mean role playing in the bedroom, I mean like role playing online some crazy fantasy character.

I asked this on a pure role playing site as I'm an uber, uber dork like that and yes I'm on one and most of them said "cyber is cheating, role playing sex is not." Now, I agree with that, but I find that people who don't really know the difference say it's the same, and there is a very fine line, mind you.

Recently I've been involved in this very long, very indepth story of two elves, which is obviously a romance, I have "role played sex" in this story, here's the catch... I'm playing a male. (amusingly I was also a 100% virgin when this story began XD)

Role playing, what I do anyway, is more like writing a story with multiple people, often times there are many parties that read these stories and they are discussed/talked about in other threads. It's very impersonal, most stories the sex is very undescriptive (though I personally get quite creative).

I think I'm trying to justify this as not cheating. As a side note, I have not done this since I got into my current relationship for fear of him getting angry with me, and I would feel guilty if I did it and kept it from him. It's not particularly significant and I could just quit it all together no big deal, but it is something I enjoy doing, not necessarily for a sexual reason, but because I enjoy writing and doing it with other people helps keep me from dying out on a story. However, I'm not going to deny that it can be quite arousing at times.

This isn't an instant message either, this is a forum board like this, where often times one role player will post a page or two and the other player will not post for a day or more as they write up their posts.

I have role played in many different environments, including chatrooms, games, instant messengers, and forums, I don't like games, chatrooms and instant messengers, they cannot give the kind of story book feel you can find in a good forum. (took me a long time to find the place I now role play on.)

Is cybering cheating? is what I would like to get back to doing cheating? When is the line crossed? Or is it no tolerance? How much different is it from looking at porn? In my perspective it's not very different: it's an impersonal sexual medium. It's not much different than writing a sex scene on my own or reading a steamy romance novel. Am I just delusional and selfish? lol

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-06-2010 07:22 PM

You and your partner have to set up bounderies, before you bring it up specifically... or decide to go on and do it or decide not to etc...

Just have that talk where you decide whats okay and whats no okay to you as individuals and what you can compromise on etc... Where you draw the line, where he does, what makes you feel uncomfortable as it varies for everyone.

Before meeting my boyfriend I use to play around in webcam chatrooms. I'd mostly talk, flirt... but a lot of times show off for men on webcam -- it wasn't so much sexual for me, but it was filling a superficial need for attention, ego boost etc.

When my boyfriend was utilizing porn and I was hurt about it, and he would tell me its not real life - its not cheating. So I asked him would he have a problem with me doing the webcam stuff as its kind of the same thing he is doing... he wanted to look at other girls / why not it be fair to have other men look at me in the same way he looks at other women?!

But to him that was a distinct difference. Being the voyeur versus being the one being peeped on. To him he felt like me doing that would be crossing a boundery he wouldn't be comfortable with. Its interactive and I could see his point.

Though theoretically if i just posted PICTURES of myself and guys looked at them, then THAT would be the same thing he does in reverse , no interaction etc...

But he made a boundry and I absolutely would not cross it. To be honest, I hadn't really the desire to do that anymore since meeting him, him having a problem with it just cemented to me that its innappropriate.

For me, respect is as important as fidelity. So my bounderies include him not ogling women in front of me -- not asking him to be blind, asking him to remember I am standing next to him and to respect my feelings and not to make some girl who doesn't even speak to him the object of more of his attention than he's giving the girl that loves him so much.

In turn, when guys hit on me in front of him, I would never embarass him and flirt with those advances- I always make it clear to any guy that approaches me that my man is THE man.

But all individuals and couples will vary on what they deem appropriate or unnappropriate so its good to just have that talk and see how he feels about it and set up bounderies in which you can respect each others feelings and the relationship as a whole.

**kygirl** · 05-06-2010 07:38 PM

HD seems to have said what I would say and more. I would talk to him and find out if he would consider it cheating. If there is even a question, I think it'd be a good idea to lay it out there before you do it.

**Joey** · 05-07-2010 01:19 AM

ooo...this is a tough one.

Personally - and thinking if my boyfriend was 'cybering' with another girl online - i would consider it cheating in a sense. I know that he is not actually in the full act of sex, but talking about it too some other girl i think is totally wrong. It would make me wonder where would this 'cyber talk' with this other girl lead too?

hmmm...the thought of it actually sends shivers down my spine. Totally wrong in my opinion.

**rcoreyus** · 05-07-2010 02:57 AM

How would you feel if you found him doing the same (Sorry - text doesn't carry expression well - that isn't an accusation, but rather a real question).

Often people say that you need to understand boundaries, and that is true. There is a question of what to do if someone's boundaries are unreasonable.

**GlassDaemon** · 05-07-2010 03:26 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

How would you feel if you found him doing the same (Sorry - text doesn't carry expression well - that isn't an accusation, but rather a real question).

Often people say that you need to understand boundaries, and that is true. There is a question of what to do if someone's boundaries are unreasonable.

Well, if it was a serious story not a cyber sex fluke with a stranger(or maybe he knows her) I wouldn't care, I'd like to read the story, just like I offer to let him read my old role plays.

I haven't really discussed it with him much, he's made it pretty clear that if he considers something I do cheating there will be no discussing it, it'll just be over, so I've put myself in a tiny little box(how it feels sometime). I used to squeeze/slap my girl friends rears, I don't do that anymore, because I am bisexual and it could be seen as flirting and I don't want to offend. Role playing I've limited myself, if it's a romance, to a purely platonic story, or just stick to non romances. I used to flirt with my friends all the time, online and in person, don't do that anymore, don't want to offend. I guess I never realized how many things I don't do anymore, but I don't have a problem not doing them, most of them feel like "singles activities."

It seems kind of awkward, how do I bring that up it feels like I'd be asking 'So how far can I go?' like I want to push his limits, which is completely untrue. I'm so worried about offending him I guess, or making him angry. , lol I never realize how bad at this I am, thought I was a lot better communicator, I'm glad I started this thread, I think I needed it.

**Mes T** · 05-07-2010 04:14 AM

I don't think a reasonable guy would at all get angry or offended if you asked him about how he felt about certain things before you started doing them. Timing is everything.

Like you wouldn't have your hand on your friend's bum and turn around to him and be like "Is this okay honey?"

That certainly wouldn't go over well. But something like, "So when I was single I used to do such-and-such with my friends. In your opinion is that okay to keep doing when someone is in a relationship?"

I think the same type of timed communication can be applied to your role playing question.

By the way I totally get where you're coming from. I'm straight but when I was single I'd make out with a certain female friend of mine when we got drunk.

Only for a couple of seconds, and only to have a laugh about it or shock the people around us. I certainly wouldn't do that now that I'm in a relationship. Even though I have no attraction to women, certain acts themselves are usually agreed upon to be unacceptable when the person is no longer single.

As for your role playing thing. I think it depends on what it means to you and the people you do it with. If it's just like some writers teaming up and writing a story together, then I don't see how that's different from writers in real life publishing novels together.

Does it matter to you if your writing partners are male or female? Do you imagine yourself in the role of your fictional character or are you removed from it?

If you make up a list of questions like these and answer them yourself, it might help you to decide whether or not this is appropriate for your situation. You could also make a list of what you imagine might be your boyfriend's questions and answer them as well.

When you sit down and talk about this with him, you can bring in the actual paper with all of the Qs and As written down and read them to him.

This post is getting long but before my edit time limit runs out I want to add that I enjoy writing as well, particularly fan fiction. I write by myself but lots of people have beta readers or participate in story challenges (well duh you already know this). In terms of keeping your interest in a certain story, those might be some alternatives for you if in the end you find that role playing isn't appropriate.

**alterview** · 05-07-2010 06:50 AM

gd-

like most people have commented, i think it should be discussed with your partner before you get back into it.

mes_t asked a few good questions and had a good point. it seems more like you are writing fanstasy/erotica with another person. do you have any other contact with this other person? ie pms or emails. how much do you even know about this other person? i could imagine two straight guys doing the same type of collaboration. kind of odd but... so what?

personally i dont think i would mind one bit as long as it is all from the perspective of the characters and doesnt detract from your relationship. i would think that it does nothing more for you than enhance your sexual mood which i would think is a good thing. its not like you are writing a thinly veiled story with someone else about yourself aimed at 'getting you off'.

people need to have interests and hobbies outside of work/family/relationships. this one sounds pretty good to me.

cheers and best of luck!

**rcoreyus** · 05-07-2010 07:20 AM

People have all sorts of opinions, but for me online roleplaying would be just fine. I'd only feel bad if I were intentionally being left out. I'm generally very open about everything from porn to flirting (on or offline) as long as it doesn't interfere with your main relationship. I even think poly can work for some people.

It is important to be able to discuss these things with your SO though. You need to know what their boundaries are - and you may not be able to guess.

Sorry to slightly shift topics, but role-playing a male elf when you are a Bi female is interesting. It would be amusing to know the real gender of the other player

**GlassDaemon** · 05-07-2010 03:20 PM

Sometimes no I don't know the other players gender, the one I'm playing a male elf in, the other player is a female, playing a female, I know her only by username, amusingly I know her fiancees name though XD. I talk to her on instant messages but usually to discuss the role play and where its going, but I do like to think of her as a friend.

I've role played, males, females and hermaphrodites, there's an interesting one to think about. XD (It was a dragon, shi had a female personality for the most part but just happened to have a penis)

I've made a point of talking about the elves because it's a lot more indepth than most of my role plays and has been going on for the better part of last year into this year.

No, I don't really see myself as the characters though I'm sure all of my characters reflect some part of me. But like I said, I don't consider it cheating what I'm doing in these role plays, I'm just nervous cause my boyfriend has had a number of ex's cheat on him and he's made it very clear that if I do, there will be no second chances. I like him a lot, and I don't want to mess up because of a misunderstanding. He talks about it all the time, while he doesn't stop me from hanging out with my friends I'll tell him "I'm going to hang out with so-so" and his response is "It's not date like is it?" upon which I tell him to stop worrying, that I'm not going anywhere. He's very paranoid, the poor guy wears his heart on his sleeve.

I wrote a fan fiction once mostly for my own sexual desire, it was a one shot, full of all my kinks and fantasies. I got so many hits on it and people begging me to continue so I did... and never finished it as a story(the story actually went way beyond my kinks into some alternatives that I wouldn't do, but was still fun to write about). Just as like a disclaimer I'd never done anything like that in any of my role plays. XD

I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff I wanted to say, or missed someones question. XD I tried though. Thanks for all of the input though, I really appreciate it, it's helped me put somethings into coherent thought/words.