Thread: A little advice needed.

I don't think a woman's age has anything to do with how much she likes to have sex!! Just sayin'...

Originally Posted by Rediscovered

I don't think a woman's age has anything to do with how much she likes to have sex!! Just sayin'...

Agreed.
Age was referring to birth only, not having sex.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

This is sadly not that unusual - read many threads here.

It sounds like you are trying to be romantic. I don't know what she wants (has she said?).

If she doesn't think there is a problem, I don't think it will get better. I think you need to decide if you are willing to live the rest of your life like this, or leave. If I could think of a 3rd suggestion I'd have used it myself.

I dont know. Romance or the idea of romance seems to change its definition each time I ask. One time my wife will say romance isn't about "taking her anywhere" or she never really wanted to go on the cruises. Then she will do a 360 and want to go out and be "romantic."

Our last trip to Ocean City was just a little get away. I thought it would be a nice little thing to do for the weekend. I booked a nice hotel with an indoor pool, beach view and an in room jacuzzi (tacky heart shaped..silly I know.) inside the room itself. I thought it was cute. Now I didn't force her to go but she just didn't seem happy. The day on checkout I spent my time outside on the beach while she brooded insides the room. She would not compromise at all.

When we started our relationship I guess I was blind to what was going on or hopelessly in love. To me she was innocent and inexperienced. I took my time with her and things went slow. She was a virgin when we met.

She didn't like sex. She never wanted to have sex (penetration) because she often said I was being too rough. I believed her and followed her plan. We focused on oral and foreplay during most of our relationship and I just agreed with it. I don't know why but I just did. I wanted it but I thought I was being selfish because I was asking for vaginal sex. (to put it bluntly). The lack of it, i think, put me over the edge without knowing it. I was easily stressed at work and I became addicted to porn and masturbation for a time.

Then I guess I got hit over the head with a brick one day and I sat there thinking...What am I doing? Is this a sexually healthy situation? Is it my fault? and how can this be fixed? I guess I should have never felt deceived...I guess I should say that I feel stupid....

Children? I have always been on the fence about that. She would play me along as well. Though when I thought it was time to have a serious discussion about it....she was rock steady..."No children." Was she like this before we got married? She was on the fence as well and I respected that.

I know I can treat a woman well. I know I have treated her well but she just doesn't see it. Its a horrible lack of communication.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Before you decided to get married was she as anti-sexual as she is now? Yes there is such thing as sexual incompatability... sometimes drives are different but if both parties want a happy relationship... the one with the higher drive can cut back on demand and the one with the lower drive can indulge the other even their mood isn't always 100% there... its a compromise.

But where there is no compromise, there is huge imcompatibilty... if one partner is forced to sacrafice everything while the other... nothing - resentment will overtake the entire relationship.

If she hated sex and did it every time you wanted to make you happy eventually she would be resentful of you... and the opposite of that, what you are experiencing now is... if you want sex and she refuses to partake in that with you ever... resentment will build on your end.

You say you feel tricked, deceieved... i would be more apt to be understanding of that if she was a sexual frisky person then changed after marriage... but if she was always this way -- and you decided to marry her anyway , its kinda something you signed up for... and she was just selfish enough to allow you to ... knowing you'd be the one that would not get what you want out of the relationship.

Your incompatabilities go so far beyond sex from what you describe. You guys don't have similiar goals as far as family goes, you want kids, she doesn't. You want a healthy sex life ... she'd be happy celebate. You feel like you romance her, she feels unromanced.

She's controlling EVERYTHING... she doesnt want kids -- ur not having kids, she doesn't want sex... you're not having sex. You've just got to grin and bear it and accept that its her way or the highway... I have to wonder if you didn't have any signs of this prior to marriage?

At least she is getting some help now so there is hope. She needs counseling, and you... could benefit from it as well because like I said there is more than sex going on here, or the lack there of... thats contributing to both of your unhappiness.

I didn't understand the first part of your post...you mention action decreasing, but then go on to say you guys have never had penetrative intercourse in your entire relationship? I want to know if I am misunderstanding that?

Sex isn't just sex, its intimacy , its an expression of love and giving pleasure to the person you deem most worthy of it.. and accepting the pleasure they offer you. The closeness, the connection.

Without that, its a friendship. Did you guys talk about your family goals prior to marriage? Were you guys on the same page and one of you changed or have you always known you differed in what you want out of life together?

Was she sexually abused as a child?

The "romance runaround" is a problem - where nothing you do is considered "romantic", but she won't tell you what she thinks is. I think it is a way of exerting control over a relationship by trying to make you feel inadequate.

Originally Posted by takaris7

I dont know. Romance or the idea of romance seems to change its definition each time I ask. One time my wife will say romance isn't about "taking her anywhere" or she never really wanted to go on the cruises. Then she will do a 360 and want to go out and be "romantic."

Our last trip to Ocean City was just a little get away. I thought it would be a nice little thing to do for the weekend. I booked a nice hotel with an indoor pool, beach view and an in room jacuzzi (tacky heart shaped..silly I know.) inside the room itself. I thought it was cute. Now I didn't force her to go but she just didn't seem happy. The day on checkout I spent my time outside on the beach while she brooded insides the room. She would not compromise at all.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

The "romance runaround" is a problem - where nothing you do is considered "romantic", but she won't tell you what she thinks is. I think it is a way of exerting control over a relationship by trying to make you feel inadequate.

So true. Thats a terrible position to be in when she wont tell you what she wants, only what she doesn't.... you have to what, just keep guessing til you get it right? Unfair, controlling and not moving the relationship forward to a good place.

It all starts with communication and she isn't communicating her wants and needs but rather giving you a vague subject heading "romance" and expecting you to just magically figure it out -- won't happen as romance is seen so differently by everyone.

For some women its flowers and candy and sensual massage, for others it might be cleaning up the dog poop and warming up the car for her in the cold mornings.

Should start another thread "what is romantic to you"

Romantic some evenings is just having dinner on the stove when I come home; other evenings it's a full massage before bed. (that is to say, it changes depending on my mood and how much other stuff I'm dealing with).

I have the feeling that if she's been clinically depressed the entire time she may not have even thought about what she was putting you through. I've dealt with depression and honestly it's not fun, but the worst part was that while I was busy struggling with my own feelings of inadequacy and wondering whether I should even bother getting out of bed I was also paying no attention at all to the other people in my life. This can be a serious problem and I'd bet it was the source of a lot of her reticence toward sex, and toward getting it checked out.

I'd advise breaking it off, honestly... you're getting nothing out of this relationship and if she's having so many problems and is unwilling or unable to fix them, why should you give your life away struggling with her?