i need some help!!

**markymark** · 05-07-2010 01:32 AM

JjHi i really need help. my problems started about a month ago. first off let me give you some info. I am 29 and my wife is 27. We have been married for 10 years and we are having some problems . Basically my wife lost intrest in me a few weeks ago. We have talked about things and she feels that i have been neglecting her for years(which inow realize is mostly true). I stopped doing the little things that I now see are very important. My question is this. Ihave seen what I've been doing wrong and I have changed things dramatically but how can I get her to see that . Ifeel she doesn't see the good things I do and she says she can't forget how i treated her in the past. How can I get her to forgive me? Thanx

**LanaBear** · 05-07-2010 01:41 AM

Communication and patience, a lot of it. You are trying to undo 10 years of stuff in a few weeks. It's going to take a bit longer than that for her to see that you mean everything and that you have changed.

You have to keep the lines of communication open and repeatedly tell her that you are changing, then proceed with continuously proving it. Make it all about her for a good long while. Cherish her without expecting sex. Massages, hugs, kisses, everything with not expecting anything in return. Depending on the depth of the problem, this could also expand into not so intimate areas of your lives.

Like I said, you have to set out to prove to her that you have changed. A few weeks is not going to accomplish this.

Good luck.

**LanaBear** · 05-07-2010 01:44 AM

I guess also the question would be... Does she want to forgive you? Does she still love you? Does she want to stay in this relationship and work it out? Depending on the situation, you may also think about couples counseling.

**xxdanniixx** · 05-07-2010 01:47 AM

i understand your problem when you do things to the one you love or hurt. it takes time to trust that person again so if you did horrible things in the past it will take time for her to know you are going to stay that way... all i can say is time will tell if you love her an want to make it work show her you have changed for the better tell her you now know what you could have lost. an if that was to happened you would be beside your self. hope i have been some help? xxdanniixx

**markymark** · 05-07-2010 04:59 AM

Thank you for the replies. My wife says she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says that she doesn't know if she can forgive me right now but maybe in time. If anyone can give some more specific advise as to what I can do to make it up to her I would really apreciate it. Thanks

**PandaPaws** · 05-07-2010 05:28 AM

What did you do that was so unforgiveable? "not doing little things" I get. I LOVE little things, and wish my bf would do stuff like that more often - he does it when I ask for it, lasts about a week, and then he's done. And then he gets upset if I ask again. I guess I'm trying to prevent being so unhappy, for example to the point where you and your wife are. Anyway, back to you, what else did you do that was so horrible??

As far as little things go - Leave her notes - in her lunch, in her underwear drawer, in her car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. Sometimes sweet love notes, sometimes sexual notes if she would be into that.
Tell her you love her. All the time. At least a few times per day. In person, through email, text, phone, whatever. Contact her "just to say I love you". Or send a "thinking of you message" - or you could get naughty with that "thinking of your tight butt" (the A word was edited)
Make her dinner. Set up some candles.
Make her dessert (with or without the dinner).
Give her a massage
Run a bubble bath with candles lit
Clean the house!
Wash her car
Play with her hair
Cuddle/spoon on the couch with her. Tell her how much you love holding her in your arms.
Tell her she is beautiful - do this often
Tell her she is sexy and that you love her body
Do things that SHE likes to do with her. Whether that's going to the museum or on a bike ride or whatever she likes to do
Buy her lingerie. Leave it with a note that says "I'll be home at 6:30, can't wait to see how sexy you look in this!" or something like that.

Make sure she knows how much you have learned from this experience and that you love her so much, you could never revert back to your old ways because you do NOT want to be that person. You see how much it hurt her, and it hurts you. You are VERY happy with her, and feel lucky to be married to her. You will not be an idiot and mess this up twice.

If there are trust issues, then you just need to be patient. I know from experience, trust does not come back easy.

Good luck

**markymark** · 05-07-2010 05:46 AM

Thanks for the tips I'll be using most(if not all)of them. It's not what I did its what I stopped doing. i use to be very romantic with my wife but after about 5years of doing little things for her I started believing her when she would say " you don't have to do that" and little by little I stopped doing them. When I stopped being romantic I also stopped helping her with the kids(two daughters 8 and 5) and around the house, and lately I had been on the computer a lot. That and I hate her mother and she wants me to like her.

**LanaBear** · 05-07-2010 05:59 AM

Get back involved in her life again. Do the things that you did before. Like I said, even out of the intimate area in your lives.

Take the girls for a day and give her some mommy time (that says a lot, trust me on this!).
Vacuum
Clean the house
Random notes around everywhere (the best is when my hubby sends me random text messages and I do the same to him)
Tell her you love her and tell her often
Cook dinner for her
Can the grandparents take the girls for a weekend so that it is just the two of you? You can spoil her rotten.
Compliment her
Fold some laundry
Do some laundry
Help the girls with homework
Hold her hand (to me, this is the best thing ever)

That's a tough pill to swallow for her to say she loves you but isn't in love with you. It sounds like you have a lot to make up for, but at least you realize it. Again, couples counseling may help too.

It sounds like the communication about the relationship stopped a while ago. She should have voiced her unhappiness about the way you were doing things and you should have seen it.

Keep telling her you love her and that you know you've been a turd. Do the little things that she loves, sometimes the little things speak way more than the big ones.

Good luck.

**WildChild** · 05-07-2010 07:30 AM

It's a matter of persistance and consistancy. Right now she is probably just wondering how long this change will last. People aren't like light switches we can't generally just be turned on and off quickly. Keep up the good work and be patient.

**markymark** · 05-12-2010 01:50 PM

Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Just to give you guys an update my wife and I are doing a lot better, she aknowledged that I have changed and feels she is starting to trust in me again. She is an amazing woman with a big heart, I had never felt so close to losing her and now that she has allowed back in her heart I will never let her down again. She is starting to feel better about herself as a woman, I didn't know that my actions were making her feel like if she was a bad wife, woman, that is what hurt me the most, to think that I caused her to feel that way. Thanks again for all your help and support, this is by far the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I am glad that I found this place.

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