Thread: The most embarrassing thing

I think you would be better off focusing on your girlfriend's happiness and what is best for her, rather than worrying that if you leave her, *you'll* be lonely and sad with one-night stands.

To me, that's self-indulgent and if she knew you were having these thoughts, she would probably make the decision for you (and you know that).

How is that fair to her?

When people try to be someone they are not, it only hurts the ones they love.

Let her go and move on with your life. With today's internet dating, you could put it all right out there and see if you get any bites. And you would probably feel better for being open and honest right from the start.

Originally Posted by Rediscovered

I think you would be better off focusing on your girlfriend's happiness and what is best for her, rather than worrying that if you leave her, *you'll* be lonely and sad with one-night stands.

To me, that's self-indulgent and if she knew you were having these thoughts, she would probably make the decision for you (and you know that).

How is that fair to her?

When people try to be someone they are not, it only hurts the ones they love.

Let her go and move on with your life. With today's internet dating, you could put it all right out there and see if you get any bites. And you would probably feel better for being open and honest right from the start.

Hmm , I don't know. A relationship is a lot of compromises to me. If I was honest like you suggest I would be alone more or less, without a family. Although I live in a city, imagine someone who lives in a village or a small town. You suggest it would be less selfish to make her happy by leaving her - I don't think so, she would be depressed for a year like she was last time when her ex left her. Plus I am not cheating, I just have these fantasies. Who doesn't? Happy relationships where everything works, sexually, intellectually, spiritually, are extremely rare. Most people have to compromise and even those are not happy and break up. As I clearly do not accept the identity of a bisexual and don't fall in love with men and don't find them attractive sexually and only want to play with someone's penis, I think I should just stick to the discipline and keep in in my dreams. It is like selling your Ford because in fact you want to drive a ferrari. But to drive a ferrari doesn't work out for most people. I wanted to know other women's opinion but now I think there is no choice. I have fought this desire all my life, and at times failed and cheated but those were during very unsuccessful relationships. This relationship is much more mature and sound so it deserves some efforts from me.

Originally Posted by Wruinin

It is like selling your Ford because in fact you want to drive a ferrari.

Your girlfriend is the FORD in this metaphor? And some random penis the ferrarri? I think that statement alone might need you to do some more self-evaluation as to whether or not your relationship is right for you.

I understand where rediscovered is coming from with what they are saying. If my boyfriend were having to fight back the urge to have a sexual experience with a male, in order to keep me so he wouldn't be lonely... I would be very very unhappy with that.

You say breaking up with her would hurt her more but would it? Or would she just be losing something that was never going to be all hers anyway? Leaving the door open for someone that see's HER as his fantasy to be sweep her off her feet. Wouldn't that be more fair to her?

I'm not saying break up with her cause you have fantasies, I am saying you should consider freeing her to find happiness elsewhere if you are realllllly having to struggle to stifle not performing these fantasies in real life, or if they are becoming all consuming of your thoughts.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Your girlfriend is the FORD in this metaphor? And some random penis the ferrarri? I think that statement alone might need you to do some more self-evaluation as to whether or not your relationship is right for you.

I understand where rediscovered is coming from with what they are saying. If my boyfriend were having to fight back the urge to have a sexual experience with a male, in order to keep me so he wouldn't be lonely... I would be very very unhappy with that.

You say breaking up with her would hurt her more but would it? Or would she just be losing something that was never going to be all hers anyway? Leaving the door open for someone that see's HER as his fantasy to be sweep her off her feet. Wouldn't that be more fair to her?

I'm not saying break up with her cause you have fantasies, I am saying you should consider freeing her to find happiness elsewhere if you are realllllly having to struggle to stifle not performing these fantasies in real life, or if they are becoming all consuming of your thoughts.

Ford means just something not ideal, ferrari something ideal. I don't know where you guys find those ideal people who look, speak, feel, act, react, cook, think, teach, learn, listen, watch ideally. I don't know such people. Nobody is perfect and I cannot imagine finding a perfect girlfriend. I have never ever seen a perfect woman or man or anybody anywhere in the world.
To love somebody means to love them as they are, imperfect, not exactly how we would like to have them.

I cannot possibly find a perfect sex life, either, I would like to have about 99 women of all age except children, about 77 men of all age except children and I would do all kinds of sex with them anytime I wished. That would be fun, and it would be on an island in the Pacific and I would be fed the most delicious treats cooked by French chefs.

Life is a challenge, not a dream.

Wruinin, I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because *you* may have a hard time finding the perfect partner (a bi-sexual woman who wants to be in a sexually open relationship with a man who wants to engage with other men)...that doesn't mean your girlfriend could not be someone else's Ferrari and not their Ford.

Does that make sense?

You have asked the women here their opinion and as a woman, I am answering you.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was always wishing for something else.

As hard as it is for you to imagine, people can and do find partners who fulfill them in all ways, including sexually. Your girlfriend might like to be given that chance, as well.

Originally Posted by Wruinin

Nobody is perfect and I cannot imagine finding a perfect girlfriend. I have never ever seen a perfect woman or man or anybody anywhere in the world.
To love somebody means to love them as they are, imperfect, not exactly how we would like to have them.

And to me... loving someone makes them perfect to YOU and for you. Its not about finding someone "perfect" and falling in love. Its about falling in love and finding that someone "perfect".

You guys seem to deny that a man naturally wants to have sex with many different women and has to have some discipline to be faithful. Most couples I know have some issues with infidelity and breaking up and making up for different reasons. I know a two or three happy couples who seem to have everything cool, but they have other problems, for example the society doesn't accept them, as I say, life is hard here where I live. And my friends in the US have the most horrible relationship problems you can imagine - they are either completely lonely or frustrated as they love someone who doesn't love them or are pregnant with someone who they hate etc etc.

And I feel incredibly lucky compared to them - although my previous girlfriends were far from my ideal, they were fantastic in some aspects and this present one is fantastic in some aspects so I definitely don't expect her to be perfect in all aspects, she doesn't have to fit like jeans, she is human and I am human. You are probably living in some different world where people choose whatever they like. I don't.

This forum doesn't work for me, sorry, but thanks for your replies.

You're very welcome.

Sorry you feel it doesn't work for you, its an opinion based forum, you give yours others will give theirs. Not everyones going to agree with your way of thinking, not here not anywhere.

Some people will choose to hear others input and say, yeah... i don't agree with that and move on but will listen to what others say with a grain of salt.

Others don't want to hear it if it doesn't mimic their views.

Originally Posted by Wruinin

You guys seem to deny that a man naturally wants to have sex with many different women and has to have some discipline to be faithful.

Everything in life takes a degree of discipline. If men naturally want to have sex with many different women... if we are still all caveman like then women will always be seeking the bigger better deal, the best provider and be stolen from you the second you walk away to buy a soda, by the guy with a better car or a bigger house or the one that looks like he carries the best genetics breed her up with.

If you expect her to accept you for what you are/have and have the discipline to reject other suitors with higher qualifications, she should be able to expect that you have discipline to refrain from filling your *want* of variety.

my original post was asking women about their opinion or how they would feel their supposedly straight partner had some gay fantasies

how i understand the response from women here it seems you don't care if it is a man or woman, just stick to fidelity, so my original post was answered already, that's true

as for finding the right partner, when we fall in love / and i rarely do, but in the past i used to fall in love more often, we think we don't have to compromise, but when we see the partner soberly with all their weak spots and failures then we can see it is necessary to compromise

as for humans being cavemen or primitive or not, i think we also have to work with those underlying desires and fantasies and have things under control as we are living in a civilised world

my gay fantasies are as strong as my heterosexual fantasies so I guess it's more about fantasies as such than having a gay issue / the difference is that it is much easier for men to find a man willing to play than a woman willing to play so that's what i have to face / the availability of gay men willing to meet me any day, any time