Am I being ridiculous?

**doodle89** · 05-09-2010 07:43 PM

Alright so this may just come out as a bunch of venting but I really need to just get this out of my system because it's been putting a lot of unneeded stress and annoyance upon myself..

SO i've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now.. we've had our ups and downs like every relationship and i love him more than anything.. we don't live together (I'm still in school living at home and trying to save some money) but we live in the same town--we see each other almost every day and spend a good portion of the nights together at his house.. sex is great, not every night but we are intimate enough i'd say.. BUT i don't know if it's just me because right now i don't have a full time job due to being a full time student but he's always tired.. he works 60 hours a week on an ambulance and it just seems like whenever I'm in the mood, he's not.. but here's the thing.. i know there's been numerous posts of men looking at porn on this site and that's one of the main reasons why i joined. i've had a real hard time dealing with this in my relationship--i know 100% he's loyal to me and has never done anything to hurt me, besides deny the fact that he watches porn. at first i was devastated and irate about it.. but then after realizing that almost every guy watches it.. for reasons who knows why i calmed down. but then i get so worked up about it again. It just makes me feel like I'm not good enough and he'd rather look at some other girl and get off to it. But then I tell myself that can't be true if our sex life isn't bad.. the thing that bugs me and I will admit I snooped on his computer is that he denies looking at it. I found porn on his computer one night that I didn't spend at his house and the next night I stayed over and "he was too tired". Well duh, he got off to it. I've tried to have a conversation with him about it numerous times but he gets so defensive (probably because he knows deep down inside he's lying) and just denies it. I've given up trying to talk to him about it because it gets nowhere besides a huge fight that really isn't worth it. I'm trying to get over the fact that he's always going to watch it but it's just so hard. And it's even worse on my part because I'm being so contradictive because I'm at fault for watching it too. Anyone else in the same boat or have any suggestions how to get my mind off this constant worry about him and porn?!

**Yvee** · 05-09-2010 07:56 PM

Honestly, I don't even see what you have to worry about. Although I do get pretty upset when my boyfriend refuses to have sex with me, I think its only because we don't see each other that much right now and I just feel like we should use any moment we have to do it.
But regardless, you have to understand that he isn't refusing you because he watches porn. The two things have nothing to do with one another.

Also he may be getting defensive because of the tone that you approach him with. Try a different way. Make sure he doesn't feel like youa re attacking him

**Mes T** · 05-09-2010 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by Yvee

you have to understand that he isn't refusing you because he watches porn. The two things have nothing to do with one another.

I think based on a lot of threads about this subject that we've seen on here, some people would disagree with that.

It's entirely possible that he's using up all of his sexual energy on porn and has nothing left for the "real thing."

I think you have every right to be feeling the way that you are.

Have you had issues communicating about other things as well or is it just this one topic?

**doodle89** · 05-09-2010 08:09 PM

not really.. I mean we have no problem talking about anything, we're open and tell each other pretty much everything.

My biggest issue is the face that he denies it--and I know he's denying it so we don't end up in a fight.. which sometimes I can see where he's coming from. I honestly would have no problem with him looking at it if we could get over this, but I don't see it happening.

I just honestly want to know if this is something normal. Like do all guys truely look at it? I mean it's not like he doesn't get together with me because of it.. he does it before bed, so it isn't effecting his life or mine on the level I should be worried..

Sorry if this makes no sense I think I'm just a jealous person, when I try to tell myself that it's PORN and it could be worse..

**Mes T** · 05-09-2010 08:19 PM

Heh. I'm a jealous person too and working on my own.. reactions.. to things, so I totally get ya.

Yes it seems that most guys look at porn, and more and more women are doing the same nowadays. The general consensus seems that porn is only a problem if it interferes (in a negative way) with a couple's sex life, which seems to be the case with you.

You mentioned in your second post that he still gets together with you... But the issue is sex, correct? You're together but you're not having sex, most likely because porn's using up his sexual energy? I think that shouldn't be ignored, and maybe in addition to this thread you could read through some of the other ones here that have pages worth of replies.

I think maybe he's lying about it because he fears if he'll confess, porn will get taken away from him.

Have you considered watching it together?

**redbull** · 05-10-2010 01:48 AM

So the porn is causing the lying. But is it the porn or the lying that upsets you? Have you told him what you told us? That you don't care if he watched porn you just don't want him to lie about it?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-10-2010 01:58 AM

I don't think she said that she wouldn't care if he watched porn as long as he didn't lie about it. Her concern seems to be more based in being rejected for sex because he's 'tired' on the same days he indulges in porn...

You'll find most women that have the issue with porn seem to also have the issue with feeling at times sexually neglected.

We don't get many postings from women that say, I get so much sex and am so fulfilled and sometimes my guy watches porn and I am so angry about it.

It seems the connection that bothers women the MOST about porn is when porn is also coupled with a decreased drive for sex with them, as in its being used as a replacement.

And oddly enough, thats when most people will agree its a problem for the relationship.

Not many girls are thrilled to death with their man wanting to use other women for visual stimulation to ejaculate to, but most accept that many guys will do it whether or not it hurts their gfs/ wifes feelings.

But the insult to injury is when they can't get sex out of their s.o. because he's too spent from sexxing himself.

**redbull** · 05-10-2010 02:17 AM

Well, what I got from this:

Originally Posted by doodle89

My biggest issue is the face that he denies it--and I know he's denying it so we don't end up in a fight.. which sometimes I can see where he's coming from. I honestly would have no problem with him looking at it if we could get over this, but I don't see it happening.

Is that it's the lie that's the issue.

for reference, I'm male, straight and currently in a relationship:

You're right. He's lying to prevent a fight. It wouldn't be an issue if he truly believed that you wouldn't get mad. I can guarantee that. It's wrong that he's lies. But since he is it looks like you're pretty much going to do have to do all the work to fix this. You're just really really going to have to convince him that you won't go mad. Aside from repeatedly telling him you won't get mad you could ask him to watch porn together, you can buy him porn dvds. But the main point you want to stress is that you won't get mad. But if you just say that he's going to think "well, last time we had this conversation it lead to a fight. She will get mad. This is a trap." So you also have to stress that the reason you got mad the first time was because he lied. That's the most important part. If he doesn't believe that you won't even be able to talk about it without fighting. Try that. Hopefully it works. Because aside from that the only other thing I can suggest is to keep trying to stress those two points. He has to be able to believe them.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-10-2010 02:26 AM

Originally Posted by redbull

That you don't care if he watched porn you just don't want him to lie about it?

Oh I saw the part where she said the BIGGEST issue was the lying... but didn't read anywhere that she didn't care about him watching porn.. in fact quite the opposite.

**redbull** · 05-10-2010 02:27 AM

Basically, to sum up: Every time you talk about this you get into a fight. He thinks that the fight is about the porn, so he lies about it. The fight is really about the lie. This leads to vicious circle of lying and fighting preventing you from talking about it.

Thread: Am I being ridiculous?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Am I being ridiculous?

Similar Threads

I feel ridiculous.

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions