I found out his secret the hard way...and although I am no prude, I'm upset

**Randy** · 05-10-2010 11:40 AM

I am so glad that I found this site. I have been reading the postings about what to do when you discover that your SO still needs to masturbate, even though you have had just had GOOD sex with him, and do so at least two to three times a day!
I met this man a year ago and it was fantastic. It still is. He is a wonderful lover, a good cook and all the other great and wonderful things that I could only dream about in a man. He had been alone for 4 years, without sex and I was widowed, without any sex with a partner. He admitted to me that he had to jerk off every morning and then maybe once or twice at night. I didn't think that was a big deal, since I know what it is to be lonely and horny. He also told me that he was a virgin until he was 27 (he's now 50) and that he and his wife of 15 years only had sex once or twice a year! He loves his and loves to rub it. I don't really have a problem with that except...
Why do I feel so blue about discovering his wadded up come tissue at the computer? I had to work and he had a day off. We had wild sex at night and then again in the morning, since he didn't have to go to work, it wasn't rushed. I always cum from him, he is really good. I just can't seem to get why he still needed to jerk off, after the good loving in the morning. I know he did this only two hours after we made love. Maybe I am wrong, but now I feel as if every time I leave the house, he will revert to the porn on his computer and do this.
I really want to be in love with him all the way. We did talk about it and he said that he didn't want me to feel sad so he won't do it. He also said that it is just how he grew up, looking at porn and getting off. Yeah, all of us do it, but he has me now, doesn't he? I feel like I can't satisfy him, although I do everything and anything for and with him and enjoy it. I will look at porn too and love it with him, but he just always has to so I can't watch him masturbate.
I guess it's a man thing. Some woman and men say just join in, but that isn't the problem. I just want to not feel so hurt by his doing this. Will I ever get used to it?
That is the question.
Will I get used to knowing that my man must also look at porn.

I always know when he jerks off because he causes sores on his penis, he says because it is so dry when he does it alone- making me say, then why do you do it?

Thanks everyone out there.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-10-2010 12:31 PM

Wow... he has a pretty high drive for a 50 year old male... 2 to 3 times a day? Plus masturbation?

Perhaps him going so long without sex, even during marriage , and then now having a very sexual woman in his life has re-awakened something in him and its not necessarily a bad thing if its not interferring or consuming his life in a way that nothing else matters.

As long as you are getting your needs met from him sexually, him doing the extra should not be something you take personally. Its not that you don't satisfy him, its that he has an insatiable appetite. But it sounds like he keeps that in check between you and masturbation and you sound happy and in love in all aspects.

If he was ever at the point that he was neglecting your needs and masturbating frequently, if he was ever at the point where he was losing interest in everything else but sex/masturbation... then he might be developing a problem.

But as it stands it sounds like you guys have a happy healthy sex life and his porn/masturbation habits are not interferring with it.

**Randy** · 05-10-2010 01:39 PM

I think that he does have a very strong sex drive. I guess I will have to thank my lucky stars and just live with it. And, yes, sometimes he can't do it at night, maybe because he is tired from wanking when I am out. That I can't deal with.
We will work it out because he swears that real is better. I guess it's just going to take some getting used to.
Thanks

**Rainbow Rider** · 05-10-2010 04:00 PM

IMPRESSIVE!!! Sounds like he has amazing sex drive - lucky you!!!! Count your lucky stars that he:

1) has a huge sex drive at his age
2) has taken proper care of his health, as not to f up his body and hormones from neglect, or over-indulgent habits = poor performance
3) has no need for a little pill to be able to have sex
4) is not routine as to when he can/wants to do it each day (obviously not a boring sex partner!)

From what you have mentioned, his masturbation habits sound fairly normal for a healthy male. It is normal and healthy for both men and women to masturbate. If he had a paper porno mag as opposed to internet porn, he'd probably take that into the bathroom to whack off and you'd never know the better. It does not sound like he has a warped problem with porn, and hey, at least he is satifying you!

What about you; do you masturbate?

**stressed** · 05-10-2010 04:02 PM

I find it very positive that he says he won't do it if it makes you feel sad and he seems very open and understanding. I do believe what he says, that he's just used to it and he obviously has a very high sex drive (which is great for you). I like and appreciate his honesty a lot.

But I also understand your feeling of him doing it every time you're out the door. This is not a nice feeling, whether he has a sex drive or not. It's not just because it's porn, it could have been smoking, or chatting, or calling friends, or anything non-sexual. When you find that your partner ALWAYS does a certain thing only during your absence it is something hurtful. Perhaps you can suggest that he doesn't have to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME you are away. Because that might give you the feeling of him wanting you out the door so he can watch porn and jerk off. That's a bit disrespectful, even if you wouldn't mind porn at all.

Also, it must NEVER be the reason for him not wanting sex. Ever. Not wanting sex at night because he masturbated three times while you were away is nasty. It's as if he doesn't care whether you will get sex or not as long as he's satisfied. He has to control it a little bit more than he already does. Even more so when it causes sores on his penis. Also, having your partner masturbate a couple of hours after sex is never a pleasant feeling. Why masturbate if you were there with him? If you were not there, then it's not that harmful, as he might have wanted another round and you were unavailable, but if you were available he shouldn't have done it.

Explain to him that you need to feel secure in every level. That you're not keeping him from touching himself but he doesn't have to do it every single time you leave the house. I've been there myself and know how it feels. Waiting for a couple of hours for you to get home will only make sex better, he doesn't have to worry about not getting sex at all like the way it was with his ex. He should know that you're almost always available (if you want to be) and that he doesn't need to worry about being turned down. That you love it several times a day (if you do).

I don't think it's all that bad for him to watch porn in this situation, but I can see it being even better than that. You can both have even more fun than you already do!

**WildChild** · 05-10-2010 04:13 PM

I'll have to chime in with the Lucky You's. He has a high drive, is a good lover and has said if the porn bothers you he won't do it any more. I've been wishing for more than a couple times a month, lasting more than 10 mins and maybe a kiss once in a while. You're so far ahead of me, I would simply delirious to have so much from a man.

**stressed** · 05-10-2010 04:35 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I'll have to chime in with the Lucky You's. He has a high drive, is a good lover and has said if the porn bothers you he won't do it any more. I've been wishing for more than a couple times a month, lasting more than 10 mins and maybe a kiss once in a while. You're so far ahead of me, I would simply delirious to have so much from a man.

But why are you staying in this relationship?

**Iseulda** · 05-10-2010 05:44 PM

Originally Posted by Rainbow Rider

What about you; do you masturbate?

I don't know about other women but if I masturbate between morning sex and evening sex with my man it has almost no effect on my ability to enjoy sex and orgasm during the later love making. Nor does it mean I didn't enjoy the earlier love making enough - actually the earlier love making can be the 'inspiration' and the masturbation can keep me ticking over til I can get second helpings.

The 'inspiration' part of that may well be true for a man, too - but I'm not so sure that masturbating to ejaculation 2 or 3 times a day won't sap a man's ability to orgasm from sex later that day. There are exceptions to every rule, and indeed the OP's man seems to have great plumbing for a guy in his 40s, never mind 50s!, but still - it is a reasonable concern for her if the masturbating is detracting from their love life. He may well be able to achieve an erection but then not orgasm - he may not mind that, but it might upset her ('he gets his orgasms from porn not me' would be an understandable reaction even if it isn't strictly true). And you can't really flip the question around and ask if she does it too because the outcome is not the same for (most) women.

Also - albeit a slightly pedantic point - it's extremely inconsiderate of him (on a basic neatness and hygiene level alone) to leave the tissues by the computer!! Ew! Bin it, buster!!

Anyway - the frequency of masturbation may be a compulsion left over from when he was living alone (and before) and it really didn't matter. You need to talk frankly with him about it and say something like "I don't mind you doing it, but not to the point where there's nothing left for me" - and maybe make a suggestion that, if possible of course, on the days you're working and he's not that you come home for a quickie at lunch time. Give him something better than his hand to look forward to. Or, if you can't get home, discuss the sex you're going to have later, discuss it in naughty detail, tell him if he's a good boy he'll get a special prize - give him an incentive to save it for you

**Beckers** · 05-10-2010 10:26 PM

The first thing that came to mind is that maybe it's too much of a habit to break.

He was alone for 4 years and would jerk off 1-3 times a day? He's not just going to quit that.

I see how this is concerning, but overall it seems like you have a great man, and you are lucky that he is so sexually active.