Men & Sex.......why are they so rarely taken seriously?

**Thomas Hepburn** · 05-12-2010 01:15 AM

I can empthase with this completely. My ex-wife never took the initiative. Once, when we were having sex she said "oh hurry up and get on with it". Later, when we were discussing the issue when our marriage was in crisis she said "well you never tried again" I thought, how many times do you have to try before your partner just might be willing? Is that a man's role, try try again until you succeed? Do people know how draining this can be psychologically? Do some women realise what it's like to always be the one to be rejected. Having said that, the women on here seem to be ones who often go through this themselves.Like I said before though, the women here seem to be like me, but not necessarily like most women. I think it's far more common for the man to be the frustrated partner. My partner is lovely, but my sexual needs are a low priority for her.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-12-2010 03:22 AM

Sex.

Making love.

There are different levels of intimacy, horny sex, sensual sex.

If we look at ourselves as "animals"... the women are emotional creates, once they have sex, your theirs. The men are not emotional and will not "fall" until they get to know the woman.

Chemistry, is instant. It's horny, it's a desire, want.

If a female then feels attached " your mine", the chemistry continues, until at some point it just feels like "sex".

At that point, she shuts down, off. She makes the comments as you state, "root".. that is how she feels, a sexual object, it's sex.

You can clean the house, earn the money, look after the kids, take the garbage out, your just a good husband, provider but as for sex? Nupe. The Chemistry left and nothing replaced it.

Intimacy is a totally different thing.. That takes work, alot of it... by both partners, and it has to be kept alive. That involves the "female" to "feel loved" during love making, and outside of love making and that the reason you want "sex" is because you are in love, love her, the way she looks get turned on, but want to be intimate, bond, feel her, feel you, and eye contact, touches and all of that comes into it.

Can't see any woman rejecting "love" and therefore, love making... and therefore, accept in addition being woken up in the morning.

I can see us, and it happened to me as well, not getting the "intimacy" the touch on the shoulder for no reason, the "love you" words, just intimacy, ignoring a guy that just pulls it out and wants some... and that's it.

CW

**StillLearnin** · 05-12-2010 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Can't see any woman rejecting "love" and therefore, love making... and therefore, accept in addition being woken up in the morning.

Oh, but women do. I bet most men on this site with a low-drive or asexual wife have given their wife all the love that she needs and is completely satisfied with her marriage to him. But he's not satisfied with his marriage to her.

With an SO like this, eventually you have to say "enough is enough" and force the issue to be addressed so you can get on with your life. Living with an SO that doesn't give a d**n about your needs is a very painful relationship to endure.

**WildChild** · 05-12-2010 06:30 AM

So what we are saying here is that this is more complcated than it may seem on the surface. And that societal nonsense which made sex a "male" desire, usually insatiable, has created a negation of the loss of sexual intimacy which causes men's relationship concerns related to sex to be brushed off. The other side of that is that a woman's need for sex are also often treated as suspect. A woman who values and wants sex is seen as unusual, outside the norm. I believe that a healthy sexual life is vital to a healthy relationship and healthy life.

**pretzel** · 05-12-2010 07:29 AM

I can't disagree at all with CW and WC in their last comments.

CW is so very right in that there are so many differences on so many levels between "sex" and "making love". I think I've come to a greater understanding of those differences during my stay here. Although through the years I myself knew the difference, parlaying those and expressing those to my wife and doing my best to get her to understanding how I feel are the differences has been at times impossible.

WC's comments on the complexities brought out through societal impressions of a sexual relationship and the gender roles I think (and unfortunately) is correct. It shouldn't be. But I do tend to agree that when women who do have a sexual desire and aren't afraid to let those be known are deemed in very unfavorable terms. Not only by men, but by many women also. That does set back many a relationship. Her comment "I believe that a healthy sexual life is vital to a healthy relationship and healthy life. " should be listened to by both men and women and should be realized at an age where they can fully understand the inherent wisdom in those words.

**Magnetism** · 05-12-2010 01:32 PM

I can't emphasize enough that saying "I wish I had a woman like that" is just words. Look at people's actions instead. When SOME men finally get a very sexual woman, the man loses interest , takes it for granted, behaves critically, etc. It's like some people want sex more from the person they can't get it from.

I admit..I've been like that too in the past. When you know you can get something anytime you want, the desire to seek it fades.

**WildChild** · 05-12-2010 02:16 PM

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

I can't emphasize enough that saying "I wish I had a woman like that" is just words. Look at people's actions instead. When SOME men finally get a very sexual woman, the man loses interest , takes it for granted, behaves critically, etc. It's like some people want sex more from the person they can't get it from.

Have experienced this more than once. There seems to be a control or ego issue with many men. They THINK they want a woman who really wants them, wants sex (how's the song go? I want you to want me) but when they get it, they shut her down and out. Don't want anyone else to have her, they just want to force her into their little box and kind of torture her with just a wee little nibble of sex or attention once in a while. When she finally can't take anymore and walks, she's the bad betch who messed them up. She's probably also a HO cause she wanted sex and intimacy more than they did and they can't risk her saying anything that would damage their rep as a stud so they have to her tear her down to others. I'm sick of it.

Men work at drawing a woman in, saying what they think she wants to hear. Even when you have a point blank talk about sex and compatability and all that beforehand, they aren't honest and can't maintain the facade of being a caring lover, for more than a short time. They slip into no touching, no intimacy, very little sex...oh, but just listen to them around a bunch of their buds, talking about women ---- good grief, it is so tempting to just verbally nail the lot of them. But you know that would probably destroy their ability to respond sexually at all.

Truth is, I think more and more, men may be stronger in terms of muscle but emotionally and sexually they are the weaker. A lot of this is what societal expectations have created, that men don't cry, don't express themselves, that garbage has left them with few healthy outlets to deal with their emotions and needs. Sex, rather than intimacy has become the only acceptable means of being close and a way (others being violence and dominance) of demonstrating masculinity. It's messed up men, women and relationships. I do think this is changing but it's going to take time to root out the old BS expectations and get honest about all this. Don't get me wrong women have plenty of work to do too. We've discussed some of that before. The attitudes and atmosphere we are raised in actually cause many women to even be unable to feel an orgasm, even when monitors recording brain and other responses clearly show that they had an orgasm. This stuff can be tough to overcome but it can be done. It needs women and men being honest and working together to get there.

Living a life without real sexual and emotional connection is like always being in the shadows, never stepping out into the sunshine. We've had too many generations of that.

**stressed** · 05-12-2010 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

When you know you can get something anytime you want, the desire to seek it fades.

I find this very true, unfortunately. Whether it is the man or the woman with the higher sex drive in the relationship. The partner with the lower sex drive can feel intimidated or like a piece of meat. The one with the higher sex drive can feel neglected and frustrated.

Men and women are also approached differently when it comes to sex drive:

- A man might find it hard to admit his interest in sex is not what it used to be, so he can ignore the problem, state it is something normal that happens to all men, and not understand why his partner is so demanding, when it's men who are supposed to be more into sex than women.

- A man with a high sex drive can find better consolation among friends if he states that he does not get enough sex at home. Everybody will tell him "find another woman", or "you're a man, you cannot help but want sex". Others even think that "it's a woman's duty to have sex with her man, whether she wants to or not".

But for women:

- A woman with low sex drive might agree to have sex with her man anyway, because she feels it's her duty. That if her man won't have sex with her he will cheat on her. She feels as if she needs to "keep" her man with sex, even if she doesn't want it. Others use sex as a weapon to control their man and only allow it to happen when they want it to. Also, these women may think "it's normal for men to want more sex than women, this is why I've lost my sex drive".

- A woman with higher sex drive than her partner cannot easily talk about it with anyone. It's not easily acceptable that women may actually want more sex than their partner. They will be called names, or too wild, or too experienced and will give the wrong impression, even to their own partner. The partners of those women usually don't understand that women can actually want sex more than they do themselves. They don't realize that lack of sex has the same effect for both men and women. Also, many of those women stay in such relationships because they feel like they shouldn't make this a big issue, that love and companionship is worth more and so on.

So, in our society, it's neither easy for a man to admit his low sex drive, nor for a woman her high sex drive.

Thread: Men & Sex.......why are they so rarely taken seriously?

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