Breaking point

**TroubledMan** · 05-13-2010 09:29 AM

I have been with my wife for almost 8 years now, since we were 17 and 18 at college. The sex was fantastic and frequent back then. When we were 20, I got her pregnant, and after several weeks of long discussions, and tearful exchanges, we decided to not keep it. We did not have the means or the maturity to be parents at that point in time, and we did not want to raise a child in that environment.
About a year after that is when the intimacy started going downhill. Before then she had performed fellatio on a fairly regular basis, and I was very satisfied with our sexual relationship. She would let me orally satisfy her, but I learned later that she never liked how that felt. I also found out that she has never "taken care of herself" in her entire life. The oral came to a screaching halt, seemingly out of nowhere, and I have not been orally satisfied in over 5 years now.
There is still some sex, but it occurs once every 6-8 weeks, which I think anyone will agree is not a healthy amount for any relationship. The sex is boring, and I feel as if I'm forcing her into it, which in turn ruins the experience for me as well. On rare occasions she will be completely into it, and it is amazing for both of us. My one biggest peeve is that she will never initiate, or kiss me. It is always my job to do the hugging and kissing, and it just makes me feel unwanted.
I bring up the topic every so often, and it just turns into an argument with me trying to explain my needs and desires, and her dismissing them, and accusing me of only wanting the relationship for sex. Obviously this isn't the case if I have stayed with her for 5 years sexually unsatisfied. Every other aspect of the relationship works, and I love her deeply. I don't know how to convey to her the importance of intimacy. I want to pleasure her and experience the closeness you get from those connections.
She has tried a number of things, anti-depressants, different types of birth controls. She has had a little weight gain which hurts her self-esteem I know, but she knows that I still find her amazingly beautiful and sexy.
She grows tired of my needs, and I'm growing tired of being unsatisfied year round.
I'm not sure this is the right place to bring my plea, being that most women here probably enjoy sex and are just here to talk about it. But if anyone has any insights, I'm all ears.

**Malek** · 05-13-2010 09:37 AM

Although if she hasn't been taking them this entire time it probably isn't the problem, but one thing to keep in mind is that some anti-depressants and similar medications can completely destroy someone's sex drive.

**TroubledMan** · 05-13-2010 09:48 AM

She takes them on and off, like 6 months at a time. It just feels to me as if this doesn't matter to her. It's not like sex is a chore...both people get satisfaction.

**LanaBear** · 05-13-2010 11:05 AM

Never underestimate the power of the mind in all this.

Trust me, she knows she is the problem. However, it is easier to blame the husband for wanting sex all the time then to deal with the problem herself. Unfortunately, your hands are tied. Until she decides to stop being selfish and wants to deal with the problem, no matter what a wonderful husband you are, nothing you can do will change it. She's got to dig deep within herself, she's got to recognize that she has the issue, she's got to want to change, then she's actually got to put forth the effort to change. Of course whenever you bring it up it turns into a fight, that's the easiest coping mechanism to turn it to your problem rather than hers. Plus, if she actually admits the problem is mostly hers, well, then she's the one that has to do the work to fix it.

**TroubledMan** · 05-13-2010 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

Never underestimate the power of the mind in all this.

Trust me, she knows she is the problem. However, it is easier to blame the husband for wanting sex all the time then to deal with the problem herself. Unfortunately, your hands are tied. Until she decides to stop being selfish and wants to deal with the problem, no matter what a wonderful husband you are, nothing you can do will change it. She's got to dig deep within herself, she's got to recognize that she has the issue, she's got to want to change, then she's actually got to put forth the effort to change. Of course whenever you bring it up it turns into a fight, that's the easiest coping mechanism to turn it to your problem rather than hers. Plus, if she actually admits the problem is mostly hers, well, then she's the one that has to do the work to fix it.

Should I give her an ultimadum, or would that make things worse? I can't keep living my life like this, it is affecting my work performance and my health. I certainly don't want to have kids with her at this point, because I feel like I would end up doing everything in that aspect as well.
In her defense, she works a stressful job where she has to stand for 8 hours a day with only a few short breaks. The customers are usually mean and rude. We also have financial troubles haunting us from the past. There is a lot of stress in our lives, and my argument to her is that regular sex can help relieve that stress and make her feel happier.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-13-2010 11:37 AM

You say she knows you think she's beautiful and your still attracted to her... but do you tell her and show her? Self-esteem dropping from weight gain, etc... can kill a sex drive. Do you flatter other women in front of her or anything that would lead her to believe that she is less than the optimal choice for your desires?

I'm not saying you do that...but it can definitly make a woman feel like hmmm why bother, he's probably just think of that girl he was flirting with at the store. Insecurity is a self-problem, obviously... and something she needs to work out on her own, but there are things you can do to help build her confidence.

Noticing a new hairstyle, an new outfit, even an old outfit... honey I love to you in that, so sexy! Just little comments here and there directed at how attracted you are to her can help her to feel sexy...

I know for me, when I am feeling sexy, I want SEX... when I feel down on my looks I want to hide under the bed.

The on and off on the depression meds can be causing a problem. Depression meds can hinder sex drive, but stopping them for that reason is counterproductuve as depression itself is a major cause for a loss of drive. Its a case of 6 in one hand, half a dozen in the other when it comes to that stuff... but she really needs to work with her doctor on the one thats best for her and sticking to a regimen.

**TroubledMan** · 05-13-2010 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

You say she knows you think she's beautiful and your still attracted to her... but do you tell her and show her? Self-esteem dropping from weight gain, etc... can kill a sex drive. Do you flatter other women in front of her or anything that would lead her to believe that she is less than the optimal choice for your desires?

I'm not saying you do that...but it can definitly make a woman feel like hmmm why bother, he's probably just think of that girl he was flirting with at the store. Insecurity is a self-problem, obviously... and something she needs to work out on her own, but there are things you can do to help build her confidence.

Noticing a new hairstyle, an new outfit, even an old outfit... honey I love to you in that, so sexy! Just little comments here and there directed at how attracted you are to her can help her to feel sexy...

I know for me, when I am feeling sexy, I want SEX... when I feel down on my looks I want to hide under the bed.

The on and off on the depression meds can be causing a problem. Depression meds can hinder sex drive, but stopping them for that reason is counterproductuve as depression itself is a major cause for a loss of drive. Its a case of 6 in one hand, half a dozen in the other when it comes to that stuff... but she really needs to work with her doctor on the one thats best for her and sticking to a regimen.

I can tell her until I'm blue in the face how beautiful she is, and how sexy I find her...but she doesn't believe me. She doesn't respond well to compliments, and thinks I'm just trying to get in her pants when I do compliment her. I don't look at other women in front of her or comment on them. She however, will see an attractive woman and start talking about her for no reason though. So she obviously has some image issues that she needs to work out for herself, but I just don't see any effort. I'm very close to calling it quits, because she can only change if she wants to...and I just dont see it.

**Fallen1** · 05-13-2010 11:50 AM

Have you sat her down and had a serious discussion putting it all out on the table as to what your needs are? She may not realize how important this is to you.

(You may have already said so and I just missed it)

**TroubledMan** · 05-13-2010 12:08 PM

Originally Posted by Fallen1

Have you sat her down and had a serious discussion putting it all out on the table as to what your needs are? She may not realize how important this is to you.

(You may have already said so and I just missed it)

Yes, we have had many discussions about this issue over the last 5 years, and things may change for a few weeks, but they just fall back into this destructive pattern. I think she hears me, but she doesn't listen. I also think she has no frame of reference as to how I feel. She gets her way 100% of the time...because I can't just force myself on her. I don't even find masturbation to be satisfying anymore, but as any man knows...you have to release the build up once a week at the very least.

**pretzel** · 05-13-2010 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by TroubledMan

Yes, we have had many discussions about this issue over the last 5 years, and things may change for a few weeks, but they just fall back into this destructive pattern. I think she hears me, but she doesn't listen. I also think she has no frame of reference as to how I feel. She gets her way 100% of the time...because I can't just force myself on her. I don't even find masturbation to be satisfying anymore, but as any man knows...you have to release the build up once a week at the very least.

Weighing in as many here who know me know that I'm in a very similar situation.

First and foremost, I'd suggest ruling out physical issues. Take seriously the side effects of any perscription drug especially anti-depressants (SSRI's are big on lowering libido), birth control or age related hormonal irregularities.

Don't discount the effect of self image. My wife is still very beautiful in my eyes and I'm so very attracted to her and will always be. But the truth is over the last few years she hasn't been able to lose weight that she put on no matter how hard she tries. That's so frustrating to her and it matters not how we continue to see her.

You're right, you can talk til your blue in the face it won't matter. But understand that as with virtually all things they won't last forever. I firmly believe this. The best we can do is help, not direct.

Personally, I'd never consider an ultimatum along the lines "screw me or else". You just might get back "ok, screw you, goodbye". But that's just my opinion. There are posters here where an ultimatum has benefited. Only you can decide that.

Finally, read the blog posted by LanaBear. It's very well written and insightful. I know it was to me.