Question from a man: Problems with frequency of sex in a relationship

**Gwaihir** · 05-14-2010 12:04 AM

I've been with my girlfriend nearly 7 months and we are having recent problems in the bedroom. Sex in the beginning was great, sometimes multiple times a night, the first night it was 3 times. In the beginning she caught me off guard with sexual messages and her overall desire for me.
Now, in the past couple months, she seems to have done a complete personality change.
We haven't had sex in what will be 3 weeks soon, before 3 weeks ago it was 3 weeks before that, seeming to spiral epically down. This is three weeks of nothing at all, absolutely no sexual activity, or even the mention of it. It usually coincides with her getting off her birth control, but last cycle she didn't even bother to notice she didn't have her next set of pills, which resulted in me waiting 3 weeks for anything. I really don't know what has happened, we are in love and we call each other the loves of our lives, but how much worse can this get? I try to be open about things and communicate my worries in a mature tone all the time.
Even when the opportunity for sex arises, she will often say something hurts, or she's so dead tired she goes straight to sleep early, leaving me laying there horny, feeling like such a sleaze when I ask questions about our sex life. Its really frustrating and has made me incredibly self conscious, wondering if she isn't attracted to me, and I am just someone she feels comfortable with and the spark is gone.
I could have sex multiple times daily and want to, yet she is so out of tune its hard to contemplate. The frequency of sex really bothers me when I read that some couples have sex multiple times daily.
She always has an excuse in the most opportune of times to not have sex, and lately I've had terrible thoughts that she's just forcing herself to have sex to try and please me every 3 weeks. I'm just really worried because I love her so much, and feel like a sleaze when i try to communicate my wanting her more frequently.
Any advice on this? I'm really worried this will get in the way of our relationship, if this is just the beginning and it will get worse. I mean, I know married couples that do it more often. And when she's off the pill she won't even let me use a condom, which starts the cycle over again of me waiting weeks and weeks.
Is this normal?

**WildChild** · 05-14-2010 06:20 AM

It's common but I wouldn't say it's normal. How much non sexual intimacy is there between you? Many couple start to fall into a pattern of perfunctionary sex and that can become a turn off.

The two of you need to sit down and talk in a neutral setting.

**whit4488** · 05-14-2010 09:18 AM

i dont think this is very common. i know birth control can alter a sex drive. but what is the world coming to, am i the only woman on this earth who wants sex as much as a man does!!! women, get it on, nothing is better than sharing that intimate connection with the one you love, it melts the stress away. too tired is a lame excuse, just lay there and take it

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-14-2010 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by whit4488

am i the only woman on this earth who wants sex as much as a man does!!! women, get it on,

Depends on which man you are talking about, really... There are men that do the exact same stuff the op's fiance does and I think claiming to have a male like sex drive implies all men have a great one, they all don't. It also implies most women don't have a drive, and most do.

Its all individual. Something is causing her to distance herself from sex and she's using the pills as an excuse. It can be ANY NUMBER of things... from stress to depression to punishing you, attempting to control you, to being asexual and just tired of doing something for you that she has no interest in etc...

You won't know without hearing it from her. Is she affectionate in other ways? Are you? If her pills are off and she isn't agreeing to intercourse because of safety reasons does she attempt to please you in other ways? Do you attempt to please her in other ways?

**TroubledMan** · 05-14-2010 09:39 AM

I think what happens to so many men, including myself, is that a woman will use the tools shes been trained to use by society, media, peer influences, etc...to get the man and keep him. I believe most women think men are one track mind sex fiends, which, at least for me, is not the case. Once she shows the man what she can do, and how great and frequent the sex can be, she knows she has him and doesn't need to give it up to him as much..or stops altogether. In all these cases I've read about..the women won't explain why there is a sudden slow down, and the man is left hanging and frustrated.
What's up women?? Help a guy out! Setting precedents and expectations, and then throwing them out on a whim is cruel.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-14-2010 09:52 AM

Well troubled man, I've never done what you speak of so I wouldn't be speaking from experience there.. I have a high sex drive, am totally in love and into my boyfriend... we've been together a few years and our sex gets better and better and I have no desire to slow it down what so ever.

But of the women I've known that are not interested in sex with their partner, there is usually a lot more going on there. A lot do it out of punishment and anger, like not getting what they need outside the bedroom, and they aren't feeling appreciated and loved and if they feel like emotionally pulling away from their guy won't get his attention, pulling away from sex will.

Some don't feel satisfied with the sex they are getting and tire of roleplaying a mattress hole 3 days a week. If their man isn't working on turning her on, figuring out what pleases her and being attentive to her needs she will eventually get sick of it. Imagine you make an awesome dinner everynight and when you go to wash up she eats it all and says woops, sorry i was hungry. Its okay, you say... but if that happens time and time again you'd get tired of making a good dinner for the two of you that only SHE gets to eat.

Some have no geniune interest in sex, are asexual, maybe due to upbringing, maybe due to a traumatic event... but they have a mental block with sex and do just enough to hold on to their man but no more than that and eventually become resentful of doing what they don't want and stop all together.

Theres just SO many reasons, and you'll never know without communicating with your specific significant other.

**TroubledMan** · 05-14-2010 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Well troubled man, I've never done what you speak of so I wouldn't be speaking from experience there.. I have a high sex drive, am totally in love and into my boyfriend... we've been together a few years and our sex gets better and better and I have no desire to slow it down what so ever.

But of the women I've known that are not interested in sex with their partner, there is usually a lot more going on there. A lot do it out of punishment and anger, like not getting what they need outside the bedroom, and they aren't feeling appreciated and loved and if they feel like emotionally pulling away from their guy won't get his attention, pulling away from sex will.

Some don't feel satisfied with the sex they are getting and tire of roleplaying a mattress hole 3 days a week. If their man isn't working on turning her on, figuring out what pleases her and being attentive to her needs she will eventually get sick of it. Imagine you make an awesome dinner everynight and when you go to wash up she eats it all and says woops, sorry i was hungry. Its okay, you say... but if that happens time and time again you'd get tired of making a good dinner for the two of you that only SHE gets to eat.

Some have no geniune interest in sex, are asexual, maybe due to upbringing, maybe due to a traumatic event... but they have a mental block with sex and do just enough to hold on to their man but no more than that and eventually become resentful of doing what they don't want and stop all together.

Theres just SO many reasons, and you'll never know without communicating with your specific significant other.

What does he do for you outside of the bedroom to keep you so interested?
Also..I think you are forgetting it's a give and take...When a man feels like hes being ignored sexually for no apparent reason, and the woman isn't expressing why its come to that, he will feel less inclined to make an effort. It goes both ways.

**WildChild** · 05-14-2010 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by TroubledMan

Once she shows the man what she can do, and how great and frequent the sex can be, she knows she has him and doesn't need to give it up to him as much..or stops altogether. In all these cases I've read about..the women won't explain why there is a sudden slow down, and the man is left hanging and frustrated.
What's up women?? Help a guy out! Setting precedents and expectations, and then throwing them out on a whim is cruel.

Substitute he for she and you have EXACTLY what the man in my life did.

**TroubledMan** · 05-14-2010 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Substitute he for she and you have EXACTLY what the man in my life did.

Let's be real here though...It would be much much easier for you to find what you're looking for. A woman can take her pick...she doesn't even need to try, to get sexual attention. A man usually has to jump through tons of hoops just to earn a hug.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-14-2010 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by TroubledMan

What does he do for you outside of the bedroom to keep you so interested?
Also..I think you are forgetting it's a give and take...When a man feels like hes being ignored sexually for no apparent reason, and the woman isn't expressing why its come to that, he will feel less inclined to make an effort. It goes both ways.

He makes me feel so beautiful, so sexy and so wanted. The minute he walks in the door from work he hunts me down in the house and hugs me and kisses me. When we're out in public he's affectionate and gives me all his attention, the waitress can be hot and eyeing him, and hes nothing but respectful to me.

He takes time every day to notice what I'm wearing, how I did my hair and because of how much he compliments and flatters me it makes it worth my effort to try to wow him on a daily basis because it makes me feel amazing to see the smile on his face when he see's me.

He appreciates all the sexual things I do for him (and I do many) and always lets me know how good I make him feel, always makes me feel like I'm the hottest he has ever had.

He pays attention to my needs, he pleasures me before sex, during sex and if I'm still grinding around after he comes, he'll pleasure me AFTER sex as well. He makes sure when I am in need of satisfaction that he gives it to me and because of that I do the same for him.