Me Not Orgasming During Sex Causing Tension With Boyfriend

**LoriLynn** · 05-14-2010 07:47 PM

My boyfriend and I have been having great sex (though it's a long distance relationship, so only occurs once every couple of weeks), and while I'm really into it / enjoying it, he is starting to get frustrated that he can't make me have the big O... =/ He's not doing anything wrong and I'm starting to think it's me... I have orgasms if I do solo work, but it's just not happening during oral sex or intercourse. Last time we had sex, he said he feels "inadequate" and like he's "not good enough," and even though I reinforce with him that the sex is great and I love him... he says he can't stop feeling the way he's feeling.

I explained to him that I don't want to fake it because I feel like that is deceitful/lying and... because I want it to be a special moment when it does happen and a real, beautiful moment we share between us.

Does anyone have any tips of what i can do or a position that helps out with it? I've never had sex during oral sex or intercourse with any partner and... I just need advice. Do you think it's an issue just cuz we're not having sex very often and therefore that doesn't give us as many opportunities to really get to know each other's body? Or... do you think that has nothing to do with it or.....?? Help!!

**jns** · 05-14-2010 10:29 PM

You have orgasms from your own manual manipulation. Teach him how to stimulate you manually.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-15-2010 12:21 AM

Definitly try to recreate the stimulation you get during solo time... you can achieve this my showing him what to do ... or doing it to yourself while he is inside of you - you'll get to feel the stimulation you are use to during masturbation along with the intimacy of having his penis inside of you.

Have him finger you while you touch yourself on the outside...

If you masturbate using a vibrator... lay off of it for a while so that you can get use to the manual stimulation which is easier for sex to recreate than vibrating sensations.

Get good and turned on BEFORE sex... touch yourself in front of him.. bring yourself to the brink then ask for him to enter you -- this will allow you to feel him inside of you as you orgasm... and then start back off further and further from your breaking point when you ask him to enter so that you can get use to working up to it with him.

**Iseulda** · 05-18-2010 11:46 AM

Well said BasketCase - I know several women who would happily forego ever having an orgasm again to have fulfilling sex with their men.

But getting a man to understand that and not think you're fobbing him off is the tough part.

I agree with you, OP, on not faking. Have you orgasmed with other lovers? Have you had other lovers? I found it nearly impossible to orgasm with a man in my earlier years of having sex. I slowly learned my own body and how it worked and what made me orgasm.

When you do orgasm is it uniquely from stimulating your own clitoris? Do you ever orgasm from penetration? If not then try, when masturbating, to combine penetration and clitoral stimulation - this will teach your body to associate penetration with orgasm. Personally I found my orgasms (solo and accompanied) improved in intensity when I taught myself that trick.

**stressed** · 05-18-2010 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by Iseulda

When you do orgasm is it uniquely from stimulating your own clitoris? Do you ever orgasm from penetration? If not then try, when masturbating, to combine penetration and clitoral stimulation - this will teach your body to associate penetration with orgasm. Personally I found my orgasms (solo and accompanied) improved in intensity when I taught myself that trick.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Get good and turned on BEFORE sex... touch yourself in front of him.. bring yourself to the brink then ask for him to enter you -- this will allow you to feel him inside of you as you orgasm... and then start back off further and further from your breaking point when you ask him to enter so that you can get use to working up to it with him.

I like those advices, you should give them a try. I definitely have to remember those, as I'm also going through the same problem. Bf used to be very insecure about it in the beginning, as he thought it was his fault, but in time he realized that it's me and not him, since I haven't had it with other guys either.

If you've had an orgasm with other guys then it must be that you don't spend enough time together and you could be too tense about it the longer it doesn't happen. If you haven't had one before then try to follow the above advices. I'm not sure if the problem is mental or that we can only orgasm in a certain kind of way, but it's worth the try. Just help your bf understand that it's not his fault and always boost his confidence about how great sex is and give him as many hints as you can as to what feels better during intercourse.
I find it very caring of him to be concerned about your orgasms, as long as he understands that it is something that may take time and it's very common.

My bf wasn't sure about how common it was, until he saw a 4-page article about it at the dentist's waiting room...

**teikyo30** · 05-18-2010 08:37 PM

Originally Posted by LoriLynn

He's not doing anything wrong and I'm starting to think it's me... I have orgasms if I do solo work, but it's just not happening during oral sex or intercourse.

Personally, I can't cum from blowjobs. I just find them boring. I can barely pay attention during. I'd much rather be going down on the girl then have sex then get a blowjob. If you stop stressing it, it might happen and if it doesn't explain to him you still love the sex and he shouldn't worry about it. I think he might think it's a contest.

**May2may** · 05-23-2010 02:24 PM

I Agree w hopeless dork....Kegels can also help...google it if u dont kno wat it is. But gettin nice an "hot" before sexual relations has always made a difference on whether i do or how intense an orgasm can be. An of course let him manually try an get u off, show him wat u do to urself. Seems to me gettin u off is the problem he has...dont think he will too much care wat way he has to do it, jus the fact that he does. Show him whre ur g spot is....if u kno where it is?
As far as positions...this one is a doozy for me....will make me orgasm within minute an someitme multiple, an very intense.
But both of u stand up, u bend over an try to touch as low as u can....ur feet the floor...ur shins...then have somethng else there to help u both keep ur balance....dependin or ur height differnece he may have to bend his knees a lil....tell him to hold on to ur waist an thrust...at this angle he should b able to hit ur g spot w the head of his penis...slow an hard always works for me...some people need more rapid thrust...but this should make u both weak n ur knees...u on top may b the answer to....but have him sit str8 up...an instead of movin up an down...spread ur vaginal lips...so that ur clit can b stimulated to...an move back an forth....again is penis should b able to hit that spot...an w the clitoral stimulation at the same time it can make for a good orgasm....but w any position u try pay attention to angles...u kno wat way is penis leans wen he is erect....so work w it. And also make sure that no matter wat position u are doin that ur clit can b stimulated( so its "exposed" per say) at thesame time...whether it b by u or him...or jus the friction of both ur bodies

**tiensou** · 06-03-2010 05:49 PM

Sometimes, if not orgasming has caused a problem before, you can feel under alot of pressure to perform next time you have sex. This, in turn, makes you tense and makes it even harder to orgasm. So stop, take a break. Masturbate and learn what feels good, then show him.

Relaxing is probably the most important part, for him and you, and this can come from reassurance. Tell him the sex is great without orgasm, maybe show him threads similar to this to show it's a fairly common problem, and let him know it's not that he's "not good enough for you".
Don't go into a sexual experience just thinking you want an orgasm. Go in positive, thinking that you might not have an orgasm, but that's okay because practise makes perfect

I do think it's important not to fake it, because then he will think he has acheived something, and will use the same technique next time, of course, to no avail.
Don't panic, things like this can take time to come, but they will in the end. Good luck

**Dancer22** · 06-04-2010 08:29 AM

im sick of people saying to masterbate and learn what works for them,its bulls*** to me. iv tried again and again but dont even get close. its just a quick,weak, 2 second rush thats so boring i dont even try anymore. im a virgin because i cant get a small tampon in,yet alone a d1ck. vaginusmus or something they call it. so i dont even bother having a boyfriend cuz i cant satisfy myself,yet alone them so id be a sh*t girlfriend right now. also cuz i have such ugly skin problems. so anyone who has had even just 1 orgasm,your lucky.