Sex Drive Difference

**thack** · 05-16-2010 04:12 PM

Hello its been a while since I have posted on this forum, and my first "Sex" thread.... I am with an amazing woman I met about a year and a half ago. We've had quite a great year and a half thus far, and I recently got stationed in Germany. It sucks, but its my job, and we both agreed that we felt we had something worth pursuing through my time here. I have all ready flown home to see her twice, I have been here 3 months. But since I left, there has been an interesting development, Sex is all of a sudden sort of a topic she doesn't want to talk about.

We had a very sex filled year or more before I came to Germany, pictures, emails, and even exploring each other's fantasies. I have a high sex drive, I can admit that, but her's seemed to be on par with mine for quite a while. Now that I am in Germany, she says "I just cant get into it alone" a lot, which I can understand from time to time, but she knows I want some sort of sexual contact between us, we have a long time apart ahead of us and sex is a big part of me. I know I have been doing what she likes, I am emotionally connected with her, more than affectionate (I love showing it and getting it back) WE have great communication skills as a couple, and we just work really well together, this is ~the~ only real big issue we have, and I want us to work out.. SOOO here I am.

Before I moved, I would get snapshots of her before a shower, or after. Sometimes posing in her bed, or even sneaking a shot from work. Now if I ask, its too much.. She's emailed me a few times over the past year talking about fantasies she has, telling me what we're doing in detail, and I reciprocate by emailing her the sexy dreams I have. As well, after I came home for the first time, I had 4 days on the ground with her, assumed we'd be all over each other, not the case. I didn't get more than a good night kiss when I got in at 1130pm and then she went back to sleep. Its confusing and misleading, because it makes me feel un-desired or un-wanted on some level. I have done my best not to make it a heated topic, but have tried to talk to her through messaging (best we can do at the moment) her from my apartment in Germany, and she just doesn't seem to grasp what I am trying to say.

I was married for 7 years before this woman, I met her about 8 months after I was divorced, I had run my post-divorce muck that guys run, and was feeling really good about myself and the situation I was in after being single a while. We dated casually for 6 months, and last June almost July we decided to go and be exclusive as an official couple. Its been a really good relationship, very healthy and full-filling but this is just raising an eyebrow to me.

Thoughts?

I do not believe she has cheated, she does not even have a hint of that persona about her, as well, her entire family (large family 3 sisters and 1 brother to her) all say the same thing, that she is a very faithful woman and all about 1 guy. So I have faith in that aspect of her quite a bit.

When I asked her "why did we change from just a couple months ago to the way we are now" I get this answer "we'll we're in a relationship now, things wont always be the same" ... I think that is a generic excuse of an answer, especially for a woman who has said many times "I want a good healthy sex life to go with a great relationship" well here it is lol, I am all for trying anything she wants to try, wherever, whenever, whatever. And I am supremely attracted to her, gorgeous woman. So to me, Sex is easy, I want her and fantasize about her a lot, when I do masturbate while away from her, 99% of the time it is to pictures she's sent me, or I've taken.

Just a little confused, hopefully this post isn't too sporadic.

-T

**jns** · 05-16-2010 05:25 PM

Ask her if things will change again upon marriage and if they will go back to the old rules. She may be testing you to see if you want her for herself or if you want her for the sex. Alternately, she may not be interested in sex and just used it to entice a guy into becoming a SO. All the sexy pictures may be making her feel cheap along with your past communications. Maybe you weren't communicating love correctly. Go over your past communications and see if what you said was too strong, was over the top or could have been misinterpreted.

**WildChild** · 05-16-2010 06:20 PM

Wish I had an answer. This seem to be the issue of the year here, there are so many people, male and female dealing with this.

**thack** · 05-17-2010 10:19 AM

Yeah, those are good points JNS and all have crossed my mind, she said she enjoyed the pictures because she knew I was "using them" while I was away and that turned her on. We've taken pictures together and even some video, which she's totally fine with. (its actually fun lol, never done that before in a relationship) She claims to me that I treat her better than most of her boyfriends from the past in a lot of areas and in all areas compared to a few guys... now, is this a girl saying this to try and build up my esteem, I dont know, but it is kind of nice to know it might be true, her sisters have said the same thing to me on occasion when my GF is not around. So, there is definitely an emotional connection, I have even been dealing with the "I could see myself with this woman for YEARS, but I've only been divorced since 2008 (mid) is it too fast?" thoughts too.

I did not rush with this woman, I kept her at arms length for a while before I even let her call me her boyfriend, and me calling her my girlfriend.. (I am kind of a stickler for titles, sort of phases, I look at them and evaluate them a little... comes with my job >< )

This sex thing just became an issue when we were on a 4 day lovey-dovey trip to Vegas in January, I was under the impression from all the build up, if we were actually in our hotel room, our clothes would be off, we'd probably be in the hot tub & playing. Not exactly the opposite happened, but it wasnt as rambunctious as it was built up.

I am going to respond to an email she sent me last night after reading one I had emailed her, I have been touching on this subject since we had a sort of "argument" about this while I was home for 1 week recently, last time I will see her till 2011, so you know what was on my mind lol... "stoke up the fire" haha.. caused a bit of an issue. To me Sex is a major connection, I will only be with 1 woman at a time, I have never cheated on any girl I have ever been with (to include the Ex of 7 years) and I carry that pride on today in my current relationship. So for me, sex is definitely lovemaking, the direct act of. BUT on the flip side, I have found a really creative romantic side OUT of bed with this woman, I have surprised her with roses that had a note eluding to her need to be dressed up and ready by a certain time, picking her up and taking her to a restaurant where I had reserved a dimly lit corner table with a curtain for a long intimate meal, then a hotel reservation near by so we can escape our normal surroundings, and both be able to go have a few drinks at our favorite bar.

So I feel I am checking a lot of box's in the "more than just sex" topic, I just need some actual answers and not just "oh it'll be ok" ... I dont like that answer at all (especially me being a Type A personality) Sex is a big deal for me in a relationship, I was in a marriage where sex was a bad word (after she started cheating) so its kind of driven for me. I dont want to be overbearing with it for sure, so I am trying to approach it lightly. Very touchy subject for lots of couples, and sadly, again I find myself to be in one of those couples.

~shrug~

**WildChild** · 05-17-2010 01:31 PM

This is a toughie, some people do go up and down with desire but some go down and stay there. Without a crystal ball there's no saying what she may do. You may start some conversations and try to gleen some history. What's her longest term relationship? How was her sex drive throughout? Is she willing to trade some erotic writing? Maybe something by web cam? Something to help keep the connection. I don't know. maybe I'm bit different but if really cared for a man and hadn't seen him for a while I wear him out not shut him out.

**thack** · 05-17-2010 04:03 PM

I have been suggesting that, and it doesnt get met with wrash remarks, but I am confused about it. I am not exactly sure what to think. We had an argument tonight, I kind of -not exploded- but said a few words to almost provoke some sort of discussion, because otherwise she wants to avoid it. I dont know if it did well or not, time will show. She is all about us talking about our future together, she'll do that for hours, but as of late, sex is nothing she wants to talk about, we havent had any bad experiences, nothing grotesque or a turn off for either of us. Good sex life before, tame as it may have been. (not much expression, little bit of exploration, shes' just a quiet gal in the bed lol) So I am perplexed and I cant figure it out, so its definitely in my head as far as what its become. its weird, I love this woman through and through for every bit of her, but a truly healthy sex life is nothing I will sacrifice again. I dont know what to think. ><

Dont even know what to say any more, I have poured my heart out as far as this subject goes.

**WildChild** · 05-17-2010 05:11 PM

This is a sticking point for many couples and we've had some discussion here on WH before about all the weird and mixed messages women get about sex and sexuality. We are given a lot of negatives to deal with and many women have some serious issues- often without really being aware of them. A woman who doesn't want sex is frigid, one who does is a HO. There is a sense of there being no middle ground. Women's magazines abound (think Cosmo) with info on how to turn a man on, but stuff on how to turn on yourself or tell a man what gets you going is scant. Most of that kind of media message to women is kind of the here's-how-to-get-the-ring thing rather than how to build a strong sexual relationship and lasting desire.

Women are highly sexualized at younger and younger ages, with dress and having 'the moves' but that doesn't translate into actually being orgasmic or really into sex. Your lady may not even realize that she holds a sort of hidden program that tells her that once she has a man's love secure she should back off sex and be a "good" girl. Helping her recognize this and correct it can be a tough job - first she has to see that it is causing a problem.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-17-2010 08:21 PM

2011.

I know you kept her at arms length but she didn't give up either did she, she hung in there and well won

There is this crazy feeling with some women that sex, means you are craving just their body parts, nothing more, even though you've done the romantic things, roses, dinner.

For her, it's also intimacy, bonding and maybe because she has to go without it now for so long, she is hanging onto "love" and is ignoring sex totally for that reason as she now has that " distance" to bare.

Women say they can do it but it's hard.

Ask her, did you think if we made love, that you would crawl under a blanket everynight savoring that moment whilst I am away? Is it the love component that scared you?

She may see, that you love her, but your talking sex,sex,sex, and questioning whether or not hers has died, or if there is another reason, which probably is making her want to say, "no I want to know that if you never had it for a month, that it wouldn't matter because it's me you love for me".

Perhaps.. that's her thoughts.

CW

**thack** · 05-18-2010 03:06 PM

Yeah, she was a persistant girl, that is for sure. She said she was able to see how good of a man I was and she wanted it. ~In that light, makes me wonder~ did she try with overdrive? OR something maintainable in a relationship. food for thought, for sure.

She sent me an email last night while I was sleeping after I told her to put what she was thinking into one, so I could see the whole picture and not just through text messages. It was sexual, but intimate, not a graphic story of us doing things to each other. I enjoyed it, I dont need "oh you put your X in my XX and then XXX" to feel "wanted" what she sent me was very nice, I enjoyed it quite a bit, I walked around at work all day remembering the words she said. I hope to dream about it tonight.

I have sent her a couple emails over the past week, but in retrospect after hitting send, I asked her to wait to read them till AFTER her trip to Las Vegas with her sister (starts tonight) so she can go happy, stress free, and not having any angst against me for trying to fix an issue that I feel in our relationship. They are not demanding, they are not finger pointing, its just an honest explanation of thoughts I have, and questions for her. I asked her to be open minded when she reads them, I have some of the questions brought up in this post in the emails. I do not want it to cause issues or a fight. I do not like arguing with this woman, I only want to see her smile and those beautiful blue eyes looking lovingly back at me. But I also will not "settle" again, which I do not feel I have to with this woman, she is amazing in so many areas that I appreciate greatly. I just have concerns with a couple, so I talk about it. Causes withdrawal from her at times

She said tonight she didn't know what I was worried about, because I am extremely romantic and she feels extremely connected emotionally to me in many ways, its just confusing to me because one would think that if all the boxes are checked, (dont mean to make it sound like that) wouldn't the 1 or 2 I am missing, get attention too?

I am hoping that this email will maybe start a sporadic thing, I dont need it daily, I love what she wrote and I will re-read it for a long time, I still read the ones from last year.

I still confuse myself at times looking at things, probably over thinking, but maybe I am just looking for effort for effort sorta. Matched levels on a lot of things, probably unrealistic, time will tell.

*shrug*

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