No longer interested in my husband :(

**eyks** · 05-16-2010 06:44 PM

Let me start by saying I love my husband and he is a great man.

Before we were married my husband and I had an amazing sex life, then he was deployed. While there he became addicted to porn and brought that addiction home with him. It almost broke our engagement and our relationship. It has been 2 years and even though it was a rough road he has done a fantastic job at controlling his addiction. But now I find that I've lost all interest in him sexually. At first I had the guilty thought that maybe I was just bored with the same person. But I realized that it is his addiction. I no longer trust him in that area of our life and I hate to say it, but I lost respect for him because of it. And I know that's why I don't want anything to do with him when it comes to sex. I'm ashamed to say we are together maybe only once a month. I feel awful about this because he has the addiction under control now and I should be over it. He knows how I feel but I don't know how to overcome my feelings in order to restore that passion I once had for him.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

**stressed** · 05-17-2010 11:29 PM

Perhaps you should both go to a counselor and talk about this. This is a very good solution for most couples.

I think that what you feel is normal, after 2 years of struggling with such an addiction and the pain resulting from it you end up not want your husband sexually. You don't trust him anymore, you felt unwanted, unattractive, that he didn't prefer you to porn. It's easy to say "you should be over it because he has it under control", but it is not easy to do.

First, you have to rebuild your trust. If he has admitted to porn being an addiction he wants and can control then this is a good step. He admitted to having a problem and understand how hurtful it can be. He has also made progress because he knows how important this is to change. Once you can trust him again, once you know that he wants you more than porn, that he doesn't need porn anymore, then the attractiveness can come back. It is possible.

During the time my fiance watched more porn than had sex with me there were times I felt disgusted towards him, no matter how much I missed sex itself. It took a lot of work from both to sort this out, nearly a year and a half. But once he proved to me that I was way above porn for him it all changed to better, from sex to our every-day life.

Give it a try! You've both done half the work already.

**teikyo30** · 05-18-2010 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by eyks

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I see two possible solutions here, okay, three: 1) Get into porn with him. 2) Try swinging with other couples with him. 3) Get divorced.

**LilahX** · 05-19-2010 02:57 AM

You need to work out (either on your own or thru counselling) why your feelings have changed. Did you somehow feel betrayed by him turning to porn in your absence? Are you now thinking he prefers these other women to you? That he doesn't find you sexually attractive?

My guess would be that you're insecure about his attraction to you and no one can do anything about that except you by believing in yourself. Men like looking at 'sexy' women, always have, always will. It is totally understandable (I think) that when he's away from you and doesn't have access to sexy pics of you, that he'll look to whatever he can find.

In the vast majority of cases it has NO bearing on how they feel about the woman in their life. It's about a visual stimulation, not an emotional one. If you can believe that, really believe it, then you may be able to get back to loving your man the way you used to.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2010 03:46 AM

Originally Posted by teikyo30

I see two possible solutions here, okay, three: 1) Get into porn with him. 2) Try swinging with other couples with him. 3) Get divorced.

You know... He was deployed.. So porn was a " in his mind" solution... to help him through...

But, you don't say if you sent him sexy photos of you, to help him through?

Loving emails probably... But a man is a man and he will always be.

Your viewing it as if he was never thinking of you... NOT the case.

Too many women see "porn" as cheating... But, your not there, there is a computer, he is away, and scared, worried, would he lose you, stress, and this is a way to help in that.

More so though.... Not many people have visualisation... "People" not men, not women, people, they say 25% do and 75% don't and I agree, being a Real Estate Agent.

In that, they can not close their eyes, see you and try and succeed.

They do need visual.

You need to see that it is as simple as that, not you at all...

Please don't throw something away without understanding, because you feel that your not important. YOU ARE, or he wouldn't have stopped.

You are his world or he wouldn't have done this FOR YOU.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2010 03:47 AM

My guess would be that you're insecure about his attraction to you and no one can do anything about that except you by believing in yourself.

Agreed....

**Jayla2251** · 05-21-2010 11:38 AM

I can relate. Not with the addiction but with not being interested. My boyfriend of 5 years went thru a porn thing, but I eventually got over it. The last two years our sex life went from 3x or so a week, to weeks without any. I have tried to make it better but I find myself just not interested. It's not great. So I just make it happen every once in awhile for his sake? I'm not sure. Toys spiced things up for awhile. I think maybe you could try therapy too see whats going on bc I know with woman sex is a total opposite of what men. Like they get stimulated and bam. But woman need more. Maybe you need to figure out what you want more of to get interested?

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