The question-What is normal sex? What is Romance?

**takaris7** · 05-19-2010 01:31 PM

I have been having this argument with the wife for a long time and I was wondering if I was the one that was at issue with the whole sex thing. What is normal sex? Do you think that making love needs to be a serious (romance novel) affair every time you get in bed to do the nasty?

Do you ever giggle during sex? Do you ever think your making love is fun? I do but (with other issues - see my last post) my wife seems to think everything is nasty. I don't think there is anything wrong with a little sweating or giggling or having fun in the bed. Is that bad or unromantic?

I showed her a sexual positions book and she just passed it off saying things like "i cant put my legs up like that" or "I am not a peice of meat." I just can't fight that. Was I wrong showing her that book?

**StillLearnin** · 05-19-2010 02:09 PM

"normal sex?"

I think the answer to "normal," or "average" sex would be something like: 2-3 times a week in missionary or varying positions.

But that's just the "average" definition. What is normal depends on the couple, depends on you and your interests. If you have a definition of "normal" and your sexual relationship doesn't meet that, then you are not having "normal" sexual relations, according to your definition. That's something for you and your SO to work on.

I had the same questions a while back, and concluded that I wanted my normal to be at least the "national average," whatever that is (2-3 times a week) and that I want to have different experiences other than the normal missionary. So I started working with my wife to make some changes to meet my newly discovered definition of "normal."

About being romantic. I wouldn't put into the same sentence "romance" with "doing the nasty." They just don't go together. If you can state those together, you probably aren't being very romantic for your wife. Just a hunch. There's a difference between "romantic" sex and "doing the nasty" sex. Romantic is an intimate experience. Doing the nasty would be a recreational activity, which there is nothing wrong with. Just that both of you need to be on the same page.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-19-2010 02:20 PM

I like the mix of both, sometimes even during the same session. I like it raw and dirty and nothing but 2 people (that love each other very much) using each others body for pleasure. And I like it slow and passionate, with kisses and face stroking the whole 9.

Every woman's mileage is going to vary. And whats normal to me may be abnormal to the next chick and vice versa.

If she is very prudent... showing her the book with positions may have taken her by suprise and she reacted negatively to that. Its about baby steps when you want to expand your horizons with someone that is more reserved than you.

You can't push her off the side of the pool... shes gonna run from it screaming. You have to hold her hand and walk slowly down the steps into the water together... sometimes backing out when the waters a bit too cold... but all the while slowly getting more and more use to it until wallah... you're in there.

First you have to convince her that there is not an icky thing on her body... that you treasure it from head to toe. Make her feel beautiful, tell her she is hot so much she hops out of bed each morning feeling like she is sex on a stick.

A confident women... is much more willing to explore her sexuality than one who isn't. So work on that part first thing, always.

Make her feel like the sex is good even without all the extra positions and bells and whistles. If you make it seem like her offerings are less than palatable... she's going to be more hesitant to try something new... if she feels her efforts thus far are unnappreciated.

Always make her feel like whats happening now is awesome and anything extra is exactly that... just an extra.

**rcoreyus** · 05-19-2010 02:26 PM

Tarkaris7 - I understand your situation exactly. Wife also sees sex as "serious", not sometimes just fun.

Normal is all over the map. Some people put up with missionary sex once a month. Others to different positions in different rooms of the house, play with bondage, and various kinky games. It is very tough to get a good feel for how common each is. This group attracts either people with serious sexual issues in their relationships, or people who are very interested in sex and want to expand their horizons.

Personally I think that sex should be a wide mix of things to keep it interesting. Long romantic lovemaking, quickies, one partner just doing something to please the other, roleplaying, costumes, a laughing game, exciting kinkiness.

I don't know what percentage of people are missing this sort of fun / excitement, but a lot are.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-19-2010 02:43 PM

"As he laid her gently on the bed, eyes meeting hers, he caressed her forehead, bent over and softly kissed it. She gazed into his eyes and at that point, he wispered, I love you. Her whole body melted and she knew she was his, he was hers as the gentle rythym started"

Or:-

"He placed his hand at the rear of her body, towards her buttocks, slightly touching her croutch, as she wiped the glass whilst others were talking ahead of her, but not in their sight, they giggled."

I believe that she reads too many romance books.

Yes, it's nice to have that eye contact, to see love in someone's eyes, but, in that, to see lust as well.

I'm adventurous, intimate, love being sexy, always wear matching, sexy underwear, (Which short lengthed tops i guess can be a form of costume), but not into roleplaying, costumes persay, etc, but I am into "no inhibitions", laughter, sexy, sensual, horny and romantic as well.

I think you can be all, or separate based on the mood your in...

I think romantic all the time, would make me feel, "where's the adventure/fun?"... As long as I feel loved, then I'm happy to be lusted after and have a little fun..

CW

**LilahX** · 05-20-2010 12:33 AM

Sadly I think you're fighting a losing battle. It sounds like her attitude to sex is deeply ingrained, that she is very 'vanilla'. Attitudes developed from your upbringing and beliefs are extremely difficut to change - and you have to want to change them. No one else can convince you that you should.

Personally I think that within a loving r/ship you can have making love, and(EDIT) depending on what mood everyone is in - and both are fabulous !!

All women love slow, sensual sex with romance and intimacy and whispers and loving touches. Some, like me, also love it when it's animalistic and sweaty and noisy. Full of passion.

I also think laughing together is one of the sexiest things, in and out of bed. You can never take sex too seriously and a bit of a giggle, or downright laugh out loud all adds to the experience.

Seems you've tried talking and its got you nowhere. I'm afraid you'll just have to face it that some leopards just refuse to have their spots altered.

**WildChild** · 05-20-2010 05:10 AM

We've discussed so much of this here. Normal is relative but a lot of people base their normal on what they think others are doing. You can do a search on laughter and sex and find a ton of stuff. Sex can be tender, passionate, fun, playful, serious, gentle, rough, long, slow, a quickie - the possibilities are so varied and keep it interesting and fresh. Locking yourself into one pattern is so limiting and reduces your connection and interest.

**takaris7** · 05-20-2010 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

"normal sex?"

I think the answer to "normal," or "average" sex would be something like: 2-3 times a week in missionary or varying positions.

But that's just the "average" definition. What is normal depends on the couple, depends on you and your interests. If you have a definition of "normal" and your sexual relationship doesn't meet that, then you are not having "normal" sexual relations, according to your definition. That's something for you and your SO to work on.

I had the same questions a while back, and concluded that I wanted my normal to be at least the "national average," whatever that is (2-3 times a week) and that I want to have different experiences other than the normal missionary. So I started working with my wife to make some changes to meet my newly discovered definition of "normal."

About being romantic. I wouldn't put into the same sentence "romance" with "doing the nasty." They just don't go together. If you can state those together, you probably aren't being very romantic for your wife. Just a hunch. There's a difference between "romantic" sex and "doing the nasty" sex. Romantic is an intimate experience. Doing the nasty would be a recreational activity, which there is nothing wrong with. Just that both of you need to be on the same page.

Sex-lovemaking....different but I do like them both. Can't you do them both? Is it reasonable to have recreational sex as well as romantic love making with your wife?

I have been more then romantic at times. I wouldn't say all the time but I have done my share of romantic things. I would say the way I express love is in the "action" or buying things for her, taking her places (trips, vacations, New York plays and cruises or just weekends in Ocean City), even breakfast in bed (I am a breakfast cooker...not really a dinner cooker.) I am very patient and calm. Sometimes I feel resentment because she never is romantic to me. (that is another story)

I never tell my wife..."lets "...I just like it to happen. I like initiating it and sometimes (very rarely...perhaps years ago since she has done this...) let her take the lead.

**takaris7** · 05-20-2010 08:32 AM

Originally Posted by LilahX

Sadly I think you're fighting a losing battle. It sounds like her attitude to sex is deeply ingrained, that she is very 'vanilla'. Attitudes developed from your upbringing and beliefs are extremely difficut to change - and you have to want to change them. No one else can convince you that you should.

Personally I think that within a loving r/ship you can have making love, and (edit) depending on what mood everyone is in - and both are fabulous !!

All women love slow, sensual sex with romance and intimacy and whispers and loving touches. Some, like me, also love it when it's animalistic and sweaty and noisy. Full of passion.

I also think laughing together is one of the sexiest things, in and out of bed. You can never take sex too seriously and a bit of a giggle, or downright laugh out loud all adds to the experience.

Seems you've tried talking and its got you nowhere. I'm afraid you'll just have to face it that some leopards just refuse to have their spots altered.

As a man is it wrong to feel sort of pressured to perform when faced with a wife who will not have sex (or make love) with you unless specific conditions are met?

Is it wrong for me to expect sex from a marriage? Or a wife who does not have sex (rarely) with you out of "pity"? She has such negative attidutes about sex that its even effected me.

I have been thinking since our last encounter with attempted sex (about a year ago) that my resentment has turned me off to lovemaking with her. I want to fight it but I am just not interested. (such conflicting emotions)

All I have been thinking about is what I have been doing wrong and is this all I have in the future? I look at her wondering if she can really change or will she just change enough to fool me into complacency and we start all over again? I think its scary....I already know because of age that libido will slow. I know that she had fibroids and that inhibits sexual activity..so what am I to do? Live like a hermit? Is this normal?

**heryseshta** · 05-20-2010 05:11 PM

There have been many times that my boyfriend and I ended up laughing hysterically during sex. When I am on top my hair tickles his face if I forgot to put it up, there was another time that we were messing around and he accidentally shot off and hit my face, and also a glass behind me. I just think of sex as sex, it can be fun...But it can be an act to show love.
Have you tried talking to her about how it makes you feel and that your needs aren't being met? I was actually raised in a household that made sex sound dirty and wrong...I felt horrible even thinking about it until I was 18, when I kinda just decided I was an idiot. It's hard to change your mind about it when you have believed it is horrible for so long. Maybe explaining to her that I enjoy giving her pleasure. Or maybe going to couples counseling would be good. Sex is obviously important to you, she needs to understand it.